Esther Lee's Love Chronicles

One Cocktail And A Lover Please!

2009-11-02T10:49:00.000-05:00

I swore that I would never take any man I met at a club as serious partner material. I didn’t always think that way but learnt pretty quickly that a man who can dance does not equal a man I can date. Clubs are really one of the worst places to meet guys who you want a future with because many times they (the guys) are just looking for a woman to shag for the night. I have gotten many “Hey beautiful, you want to come home with me tonight.” In a dark nightclub, your judgement is also clouded with one too many cosmopolitans or mojitos and the low lighting makes everyone look like Romeo.

Now getting older and with many more clubs in London to scope out, I have decided to give nightclubs another chance at serving up some interesting hotties. Maybe if I am completely open and give all of the men who come up to me a second look, then maybe, just maybe, my dry spell would end.

It’s was a Wednesday night; I put on my sexiest black dress with boots and headed over to an A-list club on Air Street in London’s Soho area. Walked in and took time to scan the vicinity. Lots of possibilities there. Ten minutes on the dance floor and guy number one came over to me. He was a terrible dancer and kept on missing the beat but I remained open to all possibilities. After a few minutes of smiling at each other and moving to the house music, he introduced himself. Peter was 29, in the banking industry, had a pet dog named Archie and loved the Caribbean. Tick, tick, tick. He looked very attractive under the disco lights and the flirty dancing continued. Three hours into the night and things were still going well. Maybe this meeting at the club thing could work out after all. “So you coming home with me tonight, right,” Peter said. Where did that come from? I was on the hunt for a meaningful relationship, not a one night stand so I politely declined his offer. He gave me his number before he left the club, “just in case you change your mind.”

Next up, a very crowded club near Oxford Street. I headed to the bottom level dance floor and squeezed through the crowd to get a drink at the bar. On my way there, a guy bumped into me. “Sorry about that,” he said, smiling with a lingering stare. With a vodka cranberry in hand, I was making my way over to my friends, when, the same guy bumped into me. “Sorry again,” he said laughing. Half an hour later, while dancing to a hot tune from Justin Timberlake and 50 Cent, he slid right next to me and started dancing. “Sorry about that earlier. I just wanted to say hi to you,” he said with a hint of a French accent. Pierre was studying in London, from France and was a fantastic dancer. There was only one thing; he was 21. Having just turned 27, I am trying to avoid dating guys younger than me. Tried it before and it just does not work out. Alas, Pierre was great company on the dance floor for the night, but his cheesy and immature chat up lines just did not do it for me.

Now I remember why I crossed out nightclubs as a place to meet guys. As I write this a new British television dating show is on. The premise is that friends and family search for the perfect partner for you and ensure that they get you a perfect match. I think this will be my next move. Let me now send out a mass email to everyone I know. Subject: Do You Know The Perfect Man For Me?

Love Notes, Sex Slaves And Celebrities

2008-08-02T10:55:00.003-05:00

I have constantly listened to all of the advice givers about where to find love. Many say that the right man is in front of you if you look hard enough, and all of the grandmas advise to “go to church and you will surely find a good boy there that will treat you right!” Other places where the man of your dreams is said to hiding are in the supermarket, at sports events, the library, next door, etc, etc. I have been there done that and no man that I was actually interested in could be found at any of the above places.

My recent move from St Lucia, in the Caribbean, to London has opened up dozens of goody bags of new ways of man hunting. Personal ads in the newspapers are abundantly available so I began my quest there. ‘Professional, tall, slim male looking for woman to give TLC and no strings attached fun.” Next! “Recycled bachelor, stock broker, 6’4”, handsome and looking for some fun from hot lady.” Maybe this was not the way to go.

Another popular method of meeting guys is dating events at clubs. A new one sparking a lot of interest is Friday FourPlay at a cool club in Soho called Punk. Kelly Osbourne and Kate Moss have made this their regular hangout, so snagging a man and spotting a celebrity could all be done at the same time. What more could a girl want? Every Friday evening for about four hours, Punk is turned into a dating venue for men searching for women, women for men, men on the hunt for men and women for women. The waiters, called sex slaves, place post it notepads on each table. If you see a boy or girl that tickles your fancy, you simply write them a love note saying so and hopefully they respond. These ‘notes of interests’ are delivered by the sex slaves so much embarrassment is saved.

Friday night and here I was at Punk, quickly surveying the room for any prospects. Yes, they were definitely in abundance, the tall and handsome guy in a suit near the bar, the artsy type sitting on a couch with friends and the smooth operator in the corner giving me a nod. Ordered a cocktail and settled onto a couch to begin my ‘correspondence’. Before deciding on my male target, a note came my way from the nodder in the corner. “You’re hot!” it simply said. “You’re hot yourself.” I wrote back. Soon, the sex slave waitress was back with a my drink of choice ordered for me by my pen pal and another note. “What’s your number?” “Come talk to me and I’ll give it to you,” I flirted back. “Come home with me now and we can talk in bed,” he responded. Next please.

While looking around for another prospect, a cutey parked his behind right next to mine. “Any luck?” I asked. “Nah, not really, started exchanging notes to a couple of girls but they didn’t want to actually talk to me in person,” he responded. “Look around again and maybe you will have better luck this time,” I advised. “I think I already have better luck,” said while eyeing me up and down and left to right.

The rest of my night was spent chatting with; let’s call him David, and moving my Caribbean waist on the dance floor. Singer James Blunt or a very good look alike walked by and gave a sexy smile. By the end of the night, numbers were exchanged. Friday FourPlay definitely gets my vote.

Next up, I must join the group Single in London on Facebook. This seems to be new breeding ground for hot dates. As I write, David, who I met at the dating night at Punk, sends me a text to ask what I am doing this weekend. Thumbs way up for this man meeting method. It is time for the Caribbean to jump on the bandwagon and seriously give this a try. Meeting men in the supermarket or at the local bar has just become passé.

The 'M' Word

2007-07-17T08:53:00.000-05:00

I am now used to getting responses to my column but last week’s article seem to take on a life of its own. Persons were stopping me in the streets just to let me know that they had read my article on sex toys. They didn’t want to discuss it at all but would just repeat the words ‘sex toys’ and ‘vibrators’ and snicker and giggle a lot. I am talking about grown men and women here, not kids. In 2007, is talking about sex still that taboo?

Only one reader was bold enough to continue the discussion, I would say that he was too bold. I was having dinner at one of my favorite restaurants Charthouse with my girlfriends, biting into a juicy medium rare lamb when a male acquaintance sitting near by starting talking about the article. He wanted to know if he could bring a sex toy and have a foursome with me and my girls. I’ll pass thank you!

Anyway, I have really been pondering the illegal status of vibrators, dildos and such toys and really wanted to investigate further why they were banned, and the implications of this. Like most of the laws on the books, this one has its roots in the rules of the Catholic faith. Yes, couples use sex toys to spice things up, but the main purpose is for self gratification or the taboo ‘M’ word that everybody pretends does not exist, Masturbation.

According to the Vatican website, in the ‘Catechism of the Catholic Church’, ‘By masturbation is to be understood the deliberate stimulation of the genital organs in order to derive sexual pleasure. Both the Magisterium of the Church, in the course of a constant tradition, and the moral sense of the faithful have been in no doubt and have firmly maintained that masturbation is an intrinsically and gravely disordered action. The deliberate use of the sexual faculty, for whatever reason, outside of marriage is essentially contrary to its purpose.’

In simple terms, the Catholic Church considers masturbation a grave sin. According to Catholic teaching, sexual activity is intended for conception, thus masturbation is an immoral sexual practice because it does not permit conception and that masturbation is a sin that must be confessed in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. This is the same reason that the church also opposes birth control.

My take is that laws are supposed to make lives better. Let us face the fact that people in this country are having sex, or you and I would not be here today. I believe in self control but we all have sexual urges, it is only natural. So would it not be best and smarter to use toys such as vibrators to get pleasure instead of having actual sex that if done unsafely could lead to unwanted pregnancies, diseases and emotional harm?

Other issues also arise. Sex toys are getting into the country, illegal as they are, and some people have developed an underground or black market business dealing them. I wonder how these ‘obscene articles and matter’ (Customs Act) get into the country. Is some customs official being bribed to turn a blind eye to the trade or are they being paid in kind? Maybe the traders have taken my advice and have started passing them of as neck and back massagers! More on this to come…

Toys R Us

2007-07-10T08:38:00.000-05:00

Being a writer at STAR Publishing has many advantages including the open discussion of many taboo subjects that would make many uncomfortable and running for the door. On one hot Wednesday afternoon, the topic turned to relationships, then sex and then onto sex toys. I was pondering the fact that there were no sex shops here. While spending time in South Beach, Miami, there were sex or pleasure shops every few blocks. They sold not only lingerine, pornography videos but also sex toys such as vibrators, dildos, handcuffs, costumes and well, you get my point.

So, one of my colleagues informed me that importing vibrators or any sex toys were absolutely against the law. I of course was shocked. I mean, this is 2007, where we should be open minded. What responsible adults do in their bedrooms is all up to them, so what if they wanted to spice things up a bit? Should a couple be prosecuted for wanting to add some fun to and revamp their sex lives?

I was not fully convinced that this was actually against the law so my colleague called the Customs department to get the full report. Alas, he was informed of the section in the Customs Act that pertained to such items and yes they were prohibited from the island. The folks at Customs were sweet enough to fax a copy over to us. Let me spell it out to you.

In the Customs(Control and Management) Act, Third Schedule, Prohibitions and Restrictions, Part One, a list of prohibited imports was given. Included on the list was ‘All publications, articles or other matter associated with black magic, secret magic obeah, witchcraft or other magical arts and occultism’, ‘Preparations of opium or other narcotic drugs for smoking’ and ‘Condoms manufactured by MONKOK LATIX of South Korea’.

Then there it was, prohibited imports also include ‘Indecent or obscene prints, paintings, photographs, books, cards, lithographic or other engravings, phonographic records, videos or any other indecent articles or matter.’ Ok now, let’s break this down. So according to the law, I would be prohibited or not allowed to bring into the country any nude paintings by the old Masters of the Renaissance or nude photographs by the genius Helmet Newton. Now on to the vibrators such as the ‘rabbit’ which gained popularity in an episode of HBO’s Sex and the City. Vibrators and any other sex toys are, I guess, considered ‘indecent articles or matter’.

Let’s just all stop giggling now and grow the hell up and get in step with the world around us. Sex toys are something that adults use to keep things interesting and should certainly not be considered illegal or prohibited. Why don’t we use all of that energy to stop the ridiculous amount of illegal drugs trafficked in and out of or country.
I guess the next time I want to bring in the ‘rabbit’, I will have to tell the customs official that it is a neck massager! Anyhoo kids, until next time…

Dutch Treat

2007-06-27T13:27:00.000-05:00

The things we women have to deal with when dating was a hot topic recently when one of my girlfriends called me at midnight recently. I was already on my third dream about George Clooney when my cell phone rang. I got up immediately because I knew only a crisis had happened to make her call at this hour on a weekday! Let’s call this friend Susan.

I answered the phone and before I could say hello, Susan started. ‘Esther, he made me pay for half of the bill!!’ Let me explain this situation. This guy had asked Susan out on a first date and told her that he wanted to treat her to dinner. So they went to a lovely Rodney Bay Village establishment and had a fantastic meal. They chatted, laughed, flirted and stared longingly into each other’s eyes. And then the bill came.

‘Esther, he got the bill and was just staring at the thing for the longest while! So I made a joke about it and asked him whether he need help with that. Do you know what he said?’ she screamed into the phone. ‘Yes! He said yes!’ she continued. So Susan ended up paying half the bill even though she had only an appetizer for dinner and the guy had ordered the whole menu! Now before guys start throwing knives at me and say that there is nothing wrong with a woman paying, let me state my case.

It is of course ok for a woman to pay for dinner but when it comes to a first date, the accepted rule is that whoever asks, pays for the date. So if the guy asks the girl out, he pays, if she invites him out she pays. Simple! When the relationship is further along, then the couple can share the responsibility of paying for the dates. If you cannot afford to take a girl to let’s say Ku De Ta, then take her to KFC! There is no going dutch on a first date.

Anyhoo, we were very curious as to where this ‘going dutch’ or splitting the bill phrase came from so we googled it. On the online encyclopedia Wikipedia, this is the explanation we found ‘The phrase "going Dutch" probably originates from Dutch etiquette. In the Netherlands, it is not unusual to pay separately when dating. English rivalry with The Netherlands especially during the period of the Anglo-Dutch Wars gave rise to several phrases including Dutch that promote certain negative stereotypes. Examples include Dutch courage, Dutch uncle and Dutch wife. The particular stereotype associated with this usage is the idea of Dutch people as ungenerous and selfish.’
Research has found that most marriages end because of financial issues. Money causes so many problems and many questions arise in relationships. I was recently having a very lively discussion with some colleagues about men giving their girlfriends money. One, who was a guy was completely opposed to it and the girl thought that there was nothing wrong with it, she expected the guy that she was dating to hand over the cash. My take on this is that I really do not want a guy handing me cash. If you want to get me a lovely gift, then that’s fine. The relationship would feel too much like parent-child and not man-woman if I took cash from a guy. Anyhoo until next time

Are Men Becoming Women

2007-06-18T08:59:00.000-05:00

There seems to be a strange phenomenon occurring within the male population or at least the men that I am in contact with. They suddenly seem to be evolving into women. Not, ofcourse, in the physical sense but in their manner and way of acting. This phenomenon is now affecting my love life as well. Are the men becoming more like women or are we becoming more like men?

First of all, men seem to be more emotional than ever. Maybe it’s an increase in the hormones put in the fried chicken or something. I dunno but it is just becoming way too much. I know that women always say that they want a man who is sensitive, who can talk about their feelings, blah, blah, blah but sometimes we really do not want too much of that. I love a man being sensitive and romantic and all but when it gets to the point of getting a love letter everyday, then it just needs to stop. I have had enough of the sensitive men! Please, let’s return to the rough, tough, manly man who hates chick flicks.

Second, I though only women got PMS. Nope, I was very wrong. Some of my male friends seem to be displaying symptoms of PMS every month around a certain time. They are very on edge, get irritated by anything and will bite your head off if you crack a joke. What is going on? Women having PMS is more than enough, we really do not need men acting up like that as well. I pointed this out to a male friend of mine recently and he gave me a ‘I will strangle you’ look. I should have been more sensitive though because it just happened to be his time of the month!

This annoying phenomenon is now affecting my love life. The roles have somehow been reversed and the men are now acting like the female in the relationship. Now if you think that I am just imagining things, I need to point out that other women have reported very similar occurrences. The men are the ones being all lovey dovey and calling us ten times a day. I really should not be complaining about this because I have experienced the other end of the spectrum when the guy might call every three days and it aint pretty. There just needs to be a balance.

Even the way some men communicate have changed. A male friend of mine looked upset one day and I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing and gave me a look that said everything was wrong. Isn’t that the typical female answer?

Maybe the men seem to be becoming more like women because we women have evolved to be more like men. We are taking charge of our love lives like never before and are making decisions that are good for us. Maybe it is for the best that we are starting to behave like each other. This may just bring about better understanding between the sexes. We may even start living on the same planet! Anyhoo, until next time…

The Ex Factor

2007-06-18T08:57:00.000-05:00

When it comes to a relationship, there is one certain fact; it more than likely will come to an end. Ofcourse there are the very unusual couples who spend fifty plus years together but for the majority it is bye-bye. What happens when breakups occur? Do we remain friends with that person or go out separate ways? Do we rekindle the relationship lower down the road and do we keep jumping into each others beds. When it comes to our exes, whatever do we do with them?

What happens after a relationship is over all depends on what happened in the relationship and how the breakup occurred. If it is amicable and both parties agree that it is time to go their separate ways, then maybe some sort of connection can be salvaged. On the other hand, if the end was bitter and painful, the best thing might be to avoid each other until things have calmed down considerably.

I saw a guy recently who I had dated in the past. He no longer lives on the island and came back to visit. After we had ended our relationship, we were both bitter and I refused to talk to him for a long while after. This time around, things were completely different. We had grown up, matured and learnt a few lessons about love and heart break. We were friends again and no longer had these early bitter feelings. It is said that time and distance are great healers so I guess it worked for us.

When breakups occur, there are several options or routes that the couple can take. Your ex can become your friend, if you two still want to maintain some sort of civil relationship but as I pointed out before, it all depends on how things ended. If you cheated or set fire to his car, I suggest you wait one year or maybe ten before trying to have a friendship again.

Another option is the practice of recycling. This is the method of reentering the dating world with someone who you have dated in the past. So our exes then become our not so exes anymore. We get together again and rekindle the old flame. I would say be very careful with this one. The reason the relationship ended may still be present. If the person is a cheating liar, a few months or years may have not changed then for the better. On the other hand if you two are now in a better place to be with each other than you were before, then why not. Go for it!

Some ex couples keep on jumping in and out of each others beds. Hey, I’m not saying that this is wrong but just know what you are getting out of it. A situation like this is a recipe for additional heartbreak.

Ofcourse you can always say ‘adios hombre’ and never speak to each other again. That would be unfortunate but it that it what works for you then leave that person in your past and move on.

Reality vs Fantasy

2007-06-04T10:21:00.000-05:00

If you write about love and sex every week, many people start to believe that you are an expert of sorts, a love doctor, a relationship fixer or an advice giver. One of my girlfriends came to me recently to ask me about her love life. She wanted to find out, how someone knows when they are truly in love. How do you separate reality from fantasy, love from lust and infatuation? Do you ever really know if love is true?

This girlfriend of mine had met this guy out and she instantly felt connected to him. They started going out, talking on the phone three times a day and seem to be madly in love with each other. She wanted me to advise her on the relationship and tell her if this love that she felt was reality. I must admit that even though I write about love, I am no expert. Love and relationships are some of the most confusing things I know. I believe that you can never be one hundred percent certain about love. Some may disagree with me but just take a look at the rate of divorce all over the world, the constant relationship breakups.

Love to me means taking a leap of faith, going somewhere with someone even though you have no idea what is ahead. Love is all about following your heart and opening up your life to someone else. I asked a 27 year old male colleague of mine who has been married for almost two years, how he knew that his wife was the one. He said that he knew he loved her and had to marry her when he realized that he loved everything about her, her smell, her smile, her laugh, her face, her personality. He smiled whenever he heard her name and thought about her constantly. He put her needs over his own and wanted to be with her forever. Wow! That’s some heavy stuff.

Now back to my girlfriend. I told her that she had to find out on her own. She needed to listen to her gut and follow her heart. Life is all about taking chances and if your heart gets broken, then that’s life. We pick up the pieces and then move on.

In my love life, I am facing a bit of a predicament. I like someone alot but we have certain challenges. First the distance and then I have to find out whether what I feel is real. I am in the same predicament as my girlfriend and I should really be taking my own advice. Take a giant leap and see what happens. What’s life like if we do not open up our hearts and let love in? Absolutely boring! Makeups and breakups are sometimes painful but ultimately they make life much more interesting and enjoyable.

So how do you know if your love life or relationship is reality or absolute fantasy, true love or infatuation? I think that sometimes you just know, you feel it. Hey, sometimes you may get it wrong but what’s the worst that can happen. The relationship ends and you move on. Hopefully you learn something from the relationship that will ultimately help you out in the next. I asked another girlfriend of mine about love, how she knows when it is real. Her response? She does irrational things, behaves in ways that she does not usually and just is completely free with the person that she is in love with.

What's In a Title

2007-06-01T14:40:00.000-05:00

A girlfriend of mine and I were discussing relationships recently and we were wondering how a couple knows when it is time to give a certain title to a relationship. So let’s say you are dating this guy for three, four months. Is it ok to assume that he can be called your boyfriend and you his girlfriend? Do titles have to be discussed by a couple before they are used publicly? Or is it just a natural progression after you have been together for a certain time?

A few years ago I was working at this company where the manager’s girlfriend was also an employee. If anyone introduced the two of them as boyfriend and girlfriend, she would swiftly and loudly correct them. ‘He is my partner,’ she would say with a sneer on her face and extra emphasis on the r. What exactly is a partner? Is that a step up from boyfriend and how do you graduate to being a partner? Many gay couples use partner as a title because they are not allowed to get married in many countries. Maybe this was her way of saying that they were almost married.

Dating is already a confusing activity and it can be made even more difficult when terms of the relationship are not made clear. Experts agree that when starting a relationship, it should be discussed whether it is just a casual date, a fling or if you are looking for a serious relationship. I don’t know if I completely agree with that. Imagine being on a first date and asking a guy, ‘so what exactly do you want out of this relationship because if you are just looking for a fling, then I am not your girl. I want to settle down and I am looking for a life partner.’ Slow down there. Even if the guy was looking for something serious, I think that he would hit the road running after that!

My advice is to give it some time and see what develops before putting a definite title on the bond. I am not saying to go out with someone for two years and not know where you stand, but I would avoid the first date inquisition.

Some love experts say that in the beginning if both persons are dating other people at the same time, then the dating is just casual. As soon as the couple agrees to be exclusive and date only each other, then titles should be given to avoid any confusion. This would be the appropriate time to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe the partner thing comes after a few years. I dunno. A male colleague told me that most guys want to avoid commitment and would rather not put a label on any relationship. I beg to differ but hey, I’m not a guy so I really do not know how they think.

Some couples are very fussy when it comes to titles. Get it wrong and hell will follow. Like the woman I mentioned above, she would stay angry with you for days after if you made the mistake of calling her partner her boyfriend. I think we should all relax already and enjoy our relationships. Anyhoo until next time…

Shag Buddy

2007-05-29T08:26:00.001-05:00

I recently spied one of my guy friends out with a new girl. Curiousity got the better of me and I sent him a text asking if she was his new girlfriend. ‘Oh no’, he texted back quickly: ‘She is my shag buddy.’

For the more conservative among us, I will translate. Other terms to describe this delicate arrangement between two people include ‘friends with benefits’, ‘sex friend’ and ‘f@*k buddy’. Yes, two friends or acquaintances that regularly get together for sex, no strings attached. It is all just for the physical pleasure. Or is it?

While this ‘shag buddy’ thing is nothing new to the dating world, there has been a steady increase of women initiating these connections. It appears to me that now, more than ever, women are taking control of their sex lives and making their own rules. But the truth is that women are naturally complex. So can we really just have casual sex with no strings?

Many experts agree that for women, even though the sex is meant for physical pleasure, that their heart cannot be left at the bedroom door. Others say that women do not have the biological makeup to have unemotional flings and may be wounded emotionally by the experience. This ‘friends with benefits’ thing happens a lot when people are single and in between relationships but do not want a serious relationship.

How does this work? Are there rules to the casual shag? Can the two persons involved shag other people as well or are they exclusive? Do you go out on regular dates with your f#%k friend like a normal couple? My guy friend had taken his shag buddy out and told me that he was not ashamed of the girls he slept with. Experts say that casual flings could work and have their benefits but both people involved have to understand and agree that the union is just a casual one.

It has been said that women cannot just have casual sex and not get attached. According to some, when sex occurs a certain chemical is released in the woman’s brain that makes her feel more attached to the man. So even though she would like to keep the arrangement casual, she cannot help but develop deeper feelings for the man. Many people admit to being freer sexually with someone that they are just hooking up with as opposed to a long term partner.

Now can a ‘shag buddy’ develop into a boyfriend or girlfriend? Well it all depends on the two people involved in the relationship and what they want out of the union. If both agree that it is time to make the relationship official and start being serious, then it could work out beautifully. If on the other hand one person would like to keep it casual but the other person wants something more, then the relationship will not work because no one will be getting what they want. Anyhoo be good kids!

Wall Building

2007-05-21T10:16:00.000-05:00

We all remember the time when we were young and carefree and loved without abandon. The way we loved changed quickly when our heart was broken by the one we imagined was the perfect man or woman for us. We then had the difficult task of picking up the thousand broken pieces of our heart and trying to put them all back together. Getting your heart back exactly like it was before is near impossible. While we put the pieces together we also erect very sturdy walls around our heart to protect it and ourselves from the next missile. After being hurt, can we truly love again without all of our fences up?

As human beings it is only natural for us to try to learn from our mistakes and attempt to never repeat them. With love, we go the extra mile and swear to ourselves that we will never be hurt again. After that first blow, we build up walls that are supposed to protect us but usually only cause more harm than good. We soon forget that these walls are there and start wondering why we are not falling in love again.

A girlfriend of mine was so in love once. The guy was a bastard and constantly cheated on her. She found out, broke up with him and took a year plus to get over it. She vowed that she would never again let any guy get that close to her. She then returns to the dating world and seems to be only meeting idiots (according to her). She scrutinizes everything that the guys do and uses any possible excuse to break up with them. She really wanted to fall in love again but didn’t realize that her wall had become so high that she was not letting any other guy in. She now thought every man would cheat on her.

I have heard so many similar stories. A guy gets his heart broken so he becomes a player, tries not to fall in love again and goes around breaking hearts. Then the cycle continues. Is it possible to love as we used to without all of the armor and protection around our hearts? I do not think that something that is broken so badly can ever be the same again but we can learn to give other people a chance.

We must remember that no two people are alike and we cannot blame John for Jack’s behaviour. We cannot keep on believing that everyone is out to hurt us. Someone recently asked me how do they mend a broken heart. All I can say is that it takes time and if you allow yourself to be loved, then great things can happen in your life. Wow, I sound just like Dr Phil!

I really believe that even if your heart has been broken, you should love like you have never been hurt. Being in love is a great feeling and we should never deny ourselves that experience. I am not saying that you should ignore all warning signs if someone is not treating you the way that they should but just give people a chance. Judge everyone by his or her own behaviour and not that of your past loves. Good luck to you all!

Attraction

2007-05-08T11:54:00.000-05:00

I was watching Oprah recently and the topic was mucho interesting. It was all about attracting your soul mate and how you go about finding the right man or woman for you. One relationship expert concluded that we are responsible for whomever we attract. If we keep on attracting jerks it is because of what we are putting out there.

She explained that the energy that we give off is attracting guys to us that we feel worthy of having. Let me break it down some more. So say that you have dated three different guys in one year and these guys are all abusive and treat you like dirt. The explanation is that you are giving off energy or signs that say that this is how you value yourself. Until you start believing that you deserve more in your life, only then will you attract a better guy.

Is that really true? Are we responsible for the people that come into our lives? Can we control the type of person that is attracted to us? I say definitely yes! Life is truly all about energy. If you allow yourself to you can definitely feel what other people are about. I am sure you have heard someone say that so and so just has so much negative energy. It’s the same with guys. If you believe that you are worth little, have no self esteem, you will obviously attract someone who will take advantage of you and use you like his or her doormat. On the other hand if you are a confident individual and think very highly of yourself then someone worthy will be attracted to you.

Some experts believe that you are what you think and I totally agree with that. This is something that I have learnt in my short twenty six years of living. You think, therefore you are. To attract the good guys and girls, work on yourself first and make yourself someone that you love and want to be around. Just forget about finding love for now, make yourself the number one priority and then you will attract all that you want.

A girlfriend of mine was telling me about her love life recently. She seemed to be dating and attracting men who were in the country for only a few months or so. Every time she met a great guy, it turned out that he was only working here for a while and then would return to his country. After great thought she realized that she was a bit afraid of commitment and this was her was of not dealing with it. If the guy was here for a short time there was no way she would be pulled into a long term commitment and she never had the hard task of breaking things off. Right now she is working on herself and I am sure that she will soon find a great guy.

Another expert suggested that to attract someone when you are out, just believe that you are hot, confident and sexy and other people will believe it as well. So even if you are having a bad hair day, feel down or are just fed up with your love life, put on your sexiest outfit, hold your head high and strut what your momma gave you. Remember ‘You are what you think!

The First Move

2007-05-08T11:53:00.001-05:00

So I know that it is 2007 and all that and we women should be able to do everything that men do. When it comes to love and dating, should we act just like men and do everything that they do? Is it ok to ask a guy out or make the first move? Men have been dealing with rejection for centuries, is it our turn now? I wonder if men would prefer for us women to approach them? I am all for women power and all that but I really do not want the tables turned. I may ask a guy out once in a while, oh okay once in a blue moon but I would rather not do it all the time.

A friend of mine really liked this guy. He was a cool dude but he was extremely shy. This guy told a mutual friend that he was really interested in my friend but he could not make the first move. He would just talk to her a little but could not muster up the courage to ask her out. Armed with this important piece of information, she invited him to dinner and they have been together ever since. The story could have ended differently if she waited for him to make the first move. At least she was lucky and knew that he liked her. Some of us are not so lucky.

I am sure that we have all been in this situation. We like some guy and we think that he has some interest but we are not absolutely sure. So we keep on staring at him across the bar and he stares back. So what do you do in this situation? There are many benefits of living in a small island, one being the fact that everybody knows everybody. So you use your links and friends to gain intel.

There must be someone you know that knows him so let that person casually mention your name and find out what the guy thinks about you. Please make sure that the guy is not told that you are interested in him. The undercover agent you send in must say the following, ‘So man, you’re still single right? Well hey, what about (insert your name here)? She’s a great girl and I know that she is single too and she is here tonight. I could casually bring you over there to her.’ This is a no fail method of finding out what the guy thinks. Just make sure that the person you send in to do your dirty work can do it right.

This method has been tried and tested by yours truly so I know that it works! So after finding out that he is interested in you, then you can make the first move and invite him out for drinks or something. Now by all means, if you are one of the brave ones, just go for it and let him know that you are interested and see what happens. You may have to deal with a little rejection and it will be embarrassing at first but it is always worth the risk. This is what life is all about. Men have to deal with rejection all of the time, so maybe now we can take some of the burden off of them.

Another simple way is to just go up to a guy and say hello. Let’s avoid all of the bad pick up lines that men have been using for ages and just be straight. ‘Hello my name is (insert your name here), what’s yours?’ Simple and to the point.

Cheating Bastards

2007-04-16T14:32:00.000-05:00

I have always wondered, what makes a man cheat on his wife? What makes a man leave his wife and children at home, sneak around in the middle of the night and sleep with other women? A male colleague of mine once said that men can’t be monogamous, that it is not in their nature. Is is really true? Is it in their scientific make up to be cheating bastards? Another issue that arises is whether a relationship can be saved after infidelity. Hey, I’m not saying that women do not cheat––far from it––but we are investigating the male species today.

Some men argue that genetically they are supposed to cheat, that it is in their nature to stray because they are responsible for spreading the sperm to continue the human race, blah, blah, blah. Even though that is a valid point, we do live in a civilized society now and as human beings we all have something called choice. In addition, no man is going around trying to spread his sperm and have some kids when he is out cheating. He always has the choice to stay faithful. Another widely accepted reason for cheating is that the relationship has run its course; the man is no longer in love with the woman but wants out. Instead of being brave and telling her so, he cheats instead.

We all like different flavors of ice cream. My favorite is truffle but I like having something different once in a while. So some men in long-term relationships just get tired of the same thing day in and day out. They get fed up of being with and having sex with the same person. They want variety so they go find other flavors somewhere else. That is why you must keep your relationship interesting and exciting in and out of the bedroom!

Men also cheat to get revenge. The woman has an affair, so to pay her back, he has one too. We all like the thrill of the hunt, the chase and the conquest. Many men admit to the fact that the most exciting part of a relationship is the beginning when he has to work to get the girl. After the prey has been caught, things can get a little boring, so to get that thrill all the time, men go after other women. My advice, let your girlfriend put on a wig, pretend to be someone else and flirt with her at a bar. Pick her up, take her home . . . You get my drift. This keeps everyone excited and entertained.

Men also like their ego stroked and they love to be admired. When a relationship is in the comfortable stage, women may not laugh at his jokes like they use to. So he goes out just to see if he still got it. He cheats to see if he is still the man. He finds a new woman who tells him he is their God and he’s happy for a while.

Another simple reason for cheating is the opportunity. A hot woman at a bar or the office hottie flirts with you, invites you over and you are off and running. Wow, is there no hope of finding a faithful man. I am really starting to wonder. Even though I have listed many many reasons why men cheat, this does not excuse the behavior. We all have the power of choice and if you want out of your relationship then just get out. If you are bored with your woman or man then do something to spice up the relationship. Go get that wig . . . you get my drift.

(The photo above was taken during a shoot for the third season of my tv show Access Caribbean)

Leap of Love

2007-04-10T08:15:00.000-05:00

Life is all about taking chances, having options and choosing a path. This is what keeps it all exciting, the unpredictability of it all. Love is really the same thing, not knowing what may happen day to day keeps us on our toes. Some love choices are humungous and drastically change our way of live. How much of our way of living should we change in order to be in love? How big of a leap should we take to satisfy our hearts desires?
A friend of mine is in love with this guy. She met him here when he moved to the island to work on a one year project. The two fell madly in love and remained together until he left. They decided to do the long distance thing but after five months, they admit that this situation is torture. They need to be together. Now this guy is running a company in Europe and cannot move back to St Lucia. The girl on the other hand has a great job on the island but would be able to translate her skills and talent anywhere in the world.

A few days ago, this guy makes a proposal, asking my friend to please move to Europe to be with him. He also asks her to marry him and say that they will start planning their wedding as soon as she flies over to meet him. So what does she do? Now, she admits that she is deeply in love with him and would love to live in Europe but can she give up her job, family and friends to be with him? This girl loves her independence and really enjoys her life here. So the question remains, how much should we give up in order to be with the one we love? Do we just go with our heart and take a leap of love?

There is really no clear cut answer to this situation. Love is all about taking risks and this one would be a huge one. Giving up your life to follow someone half way around the world is not an easy decision to make. I would say that if you are in love and you think that the relationship has a future, then go for it. Especially if you are young, childless and do not have many obligations on the island, then take the leap, take the chance.

So what if it doesn’t work out a few years from now, or you are no longer happy with the guy. Then you move on with your life and make another decision that will make you happy. I have always been the sensible type, thinking too much with my head sometimes instead of my gut and my heart. I have been learning that regret is one of the worst things ever.

It really is better to go and try something or someone out instead of passing up the opportunity and then regretting that decision later on. I am not saying that you should be wild and crazy and jump at every proposal that you get. But if your heart, your gut and, yes, your head is telling you that this is the right path, then follow it and see what happens. That’s the best you can do and who knows, there just might be a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. Take a leap of love today!

Pearls Of Wisdom

2007-04-02T13:25:00.000-05:00

Recently, one of my mother’s best friends spent some time with my sister and I. She calls us her daughters and usually imparts very good and practical advice about life. The lesson of the day was on my absolute favourite topic; love and choosing the right man. Our dear friend informed us that she would be imparting some extremely important pearls of wisdom; named for the exquisite set that she was wearing at the time.

“My girls, I will share something with you that my mother always told me about men and love,” she began. “She tried to teach me the right way to do things but I did not listen. I do not want the two of you to make the same mistake that I did. When you are choosing a man and are ready to get married, never think with your heart. Use your head and other areas to decide what man you will be with.”

What exactly was she telling us? Should we ignore our heart when it comes to love? But wasn’t love and being with the right person all about what you felt in your heart? Our friend agreed that what you feel is of course very important but let your brain lead you into a good relationship, she advised, while stressing that you must do what is best for you and find a man that can truly complement you in all ways and one that will never drag you down. She advised to look for someone ambitious, like ourselves, who was doing something with their life. Never get caught up with all of those feeling and emotions,” she advised, “look at love as a more practical affair.”

Was she correct? When it comes to choosing a man, do we abandon what we feel and go for the practical? But isn’t love all about the impractical? Okay, now I’m kinda confused. Can we think with our hearts and be practical as well? Sometimes, as I have learned, that this is next to impossible. What I have always said is that a woman (or man) should have a list of what they are looking for in a partner. We should all have our requirements of what we want. I always believe that even though we need to be open to all the possibilities of love that we must always stick to our standards. There is nothing wrong about wanting certain things in someone that you want to share your life with.

I have said before that a guy has to have a good brain in that head of his to be in my company. Just telling me that you like my small size or I look like a good woman for you will not get my attention and make me stop and talk to you. A guy also needs to know how to loosen up, have fun and understand my sense of humour. Like me, he must be ambitious and not be satisfied with just the basic out of life. Well, I guess the pearls of wisdom do carry some truth. I of course want to be madly in love with him as well!

So my ladies and guys, I am passing on the advice to you but with some minor changes. Love with your heart but keep your head on. Have your list of what you want in a partner but do not be afraid to change it because what is important to you will change as well. These are my pearls of wisdom.

A Thin Line Between Love & Madness

2007-03-30T08:20:00.000-05:00

We all have to admit that when it comes to love we can go a little nuts sometimes, especially when we’re trying to get someone to fall in love with us or to stay with us. Scientists have proven that chemicals released in our brain during the first stages of love actually cause us to suffer from symptoms of craziness. But how do we know when we have gone too far in our quest to capture the one? Or how much is too much when we are trying to impress our date?

As usual, I can pull out examples from my treasure chest of experiences. Many years ago, a guy wanted to let me know how he felt about me. We were both in this stage production together and it was a rehearsal day. The guy enters the building with a huge, and I mean huge bunch of balloons tied together with ribbons streaming down his hands. “For you, Esther,” he says dramatically as he hands them over. I smiled as best I could and accepted the balloons. For some reason, I really do not remember what happened after that. Did I leave them behind? Did I take them home? Did I trash them? That remains a mystery. Maybe I mentally blocked out the whole incident. Some of you may be thinking how sweet that guy was but at that time I just thought it was creepy. The whole balloon thing was just a bit much. I wasn't even going out with the guy or anything but he wanted to declare his love.

In my favorite book of all times, Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Love in the Time of Cholera, one of the main characters falls and remains in love with a woman for about sixty years, even though she is with someone else. Everything he does in his life is for her and he never gives up hope that the two of them will end up living happily ever after. Now, is that a little crazy or what? How does it end? Go read the book!

How far can we go when trying to impress someone we are interested in? If you start thinking that your actions are a little crazy, then maybe they are. When you start stalking someone, calling them twelve times in a row (yes, a guy has done that to me!) or trying to harm the competition (as astronaut Lisa Nowark did a couple of months ago), then Houston, we have a problem.

The thing is that in our minds, what we are doing is completely normal. So how do we draw the line between showing our love and acting like a crazy person? If the person at the receiving end of your affections starts to stay as far away from you as possible, asks you to leave them the hell alone, pepper spray you or get a restraining order, then you have definitely crossed the line.

As the saying goes, every dog has his bone. So someone’s actions that may seem crazy to one person may be seen at as sweet by the next. A very good acquaintance of mine had a crush on a guy with a spider tattoo on his arm. She figured that he must really have an obsession with spiders so she invited him to her house one night for dinner. My dear friend had decorated her house with fake spiders and webs and even put on a T-shirt with a web on it. Result? The guy was out of there faster than you could say Spiderman. Now this girl is the sweetest person you will ever meet, and was simply trying to impress a guy she thought loved spiders. The guy just thought she was plum crazy!

This girl’s case is mild compared to some other situations I have heard about. So guys and gals, in an attempt to impress the ones we are attracted to, let’s not go overboard in the first two weeks. Save the craziness for later when we already have them in our spiderweb!

Tit for Tat

2007-03-22T13:48:00.000-05:00

The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, is supposed to be the definition for honesty but when it comes to love and sex, the whole truth never applies. During the process of scouting for partners, dating and relationships, is honesty really the best policy? And are games between the sexes really necessary for love to blossom? With guys playing games and girls following the all-important rules, are we ever just being ourselves in the dating world?

For decades, well probably centuries, men and women have been taught how they should and should not act when being courted. Today there are countless books and how-to guides to find a mate. If we have to read a book to learn how to fall in love and meet Mr or Mrs Right, are we being honest with each other or just playing some role well laid out in a love manual. In the late nineties, a book called The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider was all the rage with copies flying off shelves, as women wanted to get the facts for dealing with and catching guys.

Let me share some of these rules with you. The writers recommend “showing up to parties and social events even if you do not feel like it because you may not meet Mr Right naturally, so therefore you must take social action immediately even if you don’t want to.” Another rule, “If you are in a long distance relationship, he must visit you at least three times before you visit him and you must remember that these are like three dates, so you must not sleep with him or have him stay over at your place.

The women also recommend “closing the deal because Rules women do not date men for more than two years, if it has been more than a year and he has not proposed, then start seeing less of him and think about dating others.” Some other popular ones include “Don’t call him and rarely return his phone calls, Always end phone calls first, Don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday, Stop dating him if he doesn’t buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentines day, Don’t see him more than once or twice a week and No more than casual kissing on the first date.”

Now guys are coming up with their set of rules to counteract the Rule Book. Oye! So are we all just playing each other, giving tit for tat and never being honest? I was having drinks with a few friends last night and a guy in the group was convinced that no one was ever completely honest during the first stages of dating. I disagreed with him at first but then realized that he was actually right.

We all want to show our good sides when we first meet someone and present ourselves in the best way possible. At this time, we all lie by omission, hiding all of our negative traits and bad habits. As the relationship progress, little white lies are always used. For example guys, your girlfriend asks you, “Honey, do I look fat in this?” Your answer, even though she has put on twenty or thirty extra pounds must always be “No honey, of course not. You look perfect!”

I really do not approve all of this game playing nonsense but while doing research for this column, I have found out that some of them do actually work! I guess it is all about psychology and understanding human behaviour. And no, I will not share what methods or rules I used!

Dedicated To All The Single Gals

2007-03-05T16:25:00.000-05:00

I really just can’t wrap my head around this. What do married women, especially those with children, have against us single gals? There seems to be this unwritten, unspoken rule that pits the single against the not so single. I have realized that women who are attached or married treat you differently depending on your status. If you are free and single, there is a certain attitude and behaviour some of them display. It’s like dogs lifting their legs to mark their territory. Instead of doing their deed on tires or posts, these taken women hold on tight to their partners whenever single girls are around. On the other hand, if you are with a guy, they welcome you with open arms. I have been trying to understand this phenomenon and have come up with several theories for this behaviour.

A few weekends ago, I was at this event with my girlfriends. The crowd was mainly made up of married people with their kids. So we arrive and say hello, some people coming up to us to introduce themselves. One particular guy came over; we shook his hand and said hi. Out of nowhere, a woman comes running up to pull him away and gives us the evil eye. Yes, this woman was his wife. Now, why is she giving us attitude? He came up to introduce himself. Anyway, I’m rambling on but I believe that there are reasons for this.

The first theory I have come up with is that these women feel somewhat threatened. Here we are young, single, disengaged and usually having a great time. There they are married, running after little kids while keeping their other eye on the husband who may not be behaving as he should. Hello!!! Even though your partner has a wondering eye that does not mean that any single girl would be interested in him. As I have said before, if you have a problem with your man, talk to him instead of making a fool of yourself, and behaving in a hostile manner towards other women! Oh, I’m in trouble now.

My second theory is that these married women miss their single life and wish that they could recover some lost time when their life was truly theirs. Maybe they are looking at us single gals and thinking, ‘Oh if only, I could be like them for one day. To be free and single and just have fun with my friends.’ So, I could be misinterpreting their behaviour thinking that they have something against me when truly they just want to be single again. Well, it’s only my theory.

The stark difference in behaviour depending on your status has been confirmed by many single girls I know. Recently one of friends reported how one particular woman’s treatment of her had changed since she said adios to her boyfriend. While in the relationship, this woman always wanted to be her friend and spend time as couples. As soon as she was single, she became the enemy.

I wonder if this happens in the guys’ world as well. Anyway, I hope I haven’t made too many enemies now. Some married women may think that I have insulted them or something and may begin to dislike me. Oh wait, they do already!

Sweat Rice, Voodoo Spells & Love Potions

2007-02-28T08:25:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, a local newspaper had an extremely interesting classified advert. It advertised the services of a voodoo queen or obeah mama who promised to return lost love, reignite the passion and keep-your-man potions. I am sure that we have all grown up hearing the stories of the man who can never leave the woman he hates because she ‘tie’ him. We’ve all heard the hush whispers of couples eternally stuck together because the woman put an ‘obeah potion’ in her man’s morning coffee or the man buried a lock of the woman’s hair underneath the tree in the backyard. Can someone really be forced into loving another and do ‘love potions’ really exist?

To investigate this further, I contacted someone, who shall remain nameless, with a little insight into these practices. This person was convinced that ‘love potions’ and ‘voodoo spells’ work extremely well when it comes to love and gave me many examples to prove just that. The first story told was about this couple who fought constantly, truly hated each other but for some reason could not leave the relationship. After many years of this living hell, they consulted a counselor and this is when the truth was exposed.

First the woman admitted that she had used a spell to keep the man at home. What she did was rather peculiar. When the guy was asleep, she took a tape measure and wrapped it around his body. This tape measure was then put into a glass bottle and dropped into the river. The man then confessed that he too had used other means to keep the woman devoted to him. While she was asleep, he took a strand of her hair, threaded a needle with it and that needle was then placed in a banana tree. Since they had both ‘tied’ each other, then neither could leave the relationship. Only after lots of counseling and praying, the spells were broken and the two went their separate ways.

The stories about ‘magic love’ did not stop there. My source went on to tell me about one very popular and often practiced ritual. This one is known as ‘sweat rice’. What happens is that a woman who wants to keep a man, boils a pot of rice. When the rice is cooked, she takes the hot steaming pot of rice and places it on the floor. The woman, now naked, stoops over the steaming pot and allows certain ‘juices’ to flow into the pot. I’m sure you can use your imagination from here. So anyway, when her man comes home, the woman gives him this ‘sweat rice’ to eat and then he is hooked for life!

My very informative source told me many more, all of which are a little too disgusting to be repeated. Things to do with . . . Oh no I really can’t repeat! Do these voodoo spells and potions really work? Some I have spoken to about this are convinced that it works and are widely practiced in St Lucia. Others say that it is all baloney. I really do not know what to think. All I can say, is please do not try the above at home and guys, I would avoid eating rice unless absolutely necessary!

Death to Valentines II

2007-02-23T14:41:00.000-05:00

Last year, on the occasion of Valentine’s Day, I wrote about how much I detest the day for lovers. I mean, enough already with the red and white! Believe it or not, what I wrote one year ago still applies today.

It’s that time of year again when lovers, romantics and those obsessed with all things red, wake up with a smile on their faces in anticipation of the day. No, it’s not even their birthday or wedding day. It’s Valentine’s Day, February 14—the day everyone gets flowers and chocolates and special unmentionables from their sweethearts. Everyone except the single people! And that includes yours truly. Why must this day even exist? Can’t couples buy flowers or chocolates and have that special dinner any ole time of the year?

Since I can’t wave my magic wand and make it all go away, I guess I will have to suffer through this year’s celebrations. Now, dear reader, please don’t get me wrong. I love the fact that couples get a chance to show their appreciation for each other and that some businesses will be having a very good week, but that day is just a slap in the face of all the single people out there.

Even though some of us love being just one, Valentine’s Day is like a child waving his finger at you, taunting you and reminding you that you are all alone. It’s everywhere you turn: School children wearing their little paper cutout hearts pinned to their chests, every store window advertising some special and let’s not forget the people who dress in red and white! I’ll be in black.And then, there are the ads on the radio, television and newspapers for every kind of Valentine’s Day event. This year I have realized that the organizers of these parties and dinners are actually inviting the single people to join in on the fun.

Now, think about it. Why would I, a single girl, want to come to a Valentine’s dinner and dance? Do I want to torture my weak heart by watching couples look at each other lovingly, dance closely and making out in all available corners, as I sit all by my lonesome listening to love songs? No way! Then, to add insult to injury, you have to pay more to attend if you are coming alone! I saw two events advertised on television where the entrance fee to the party is $20 for singles and $30 for couples (or $15 per person). So after I’m already feeling down about being alone on Valentine’s Day, I have to pay more than an attached person to enjoy myself and lift my spirits. Thanks a lot!

I must apologize if I sounded extremely angry or cynical or rude. I really can’t help it. To all the couples, please enjoy each other every day of the year and not just on Valentine’s. The truth is we have to be thankful for the people who love us. Forgive me if I look a little grumpy, snap at you or are dressed all in black. Hmmm, maybe next year I’ll be getting flowers or wearing red. Until next time . . .

Crazy Love

2007-02-23T14:33:00.000-05:00

My mouth hit the floor when I watched the morning news on CNN earlier this week. A female NASA astronaut, Lisa Nowak, was arrested for the attempted kidnapping and attempted first-degree murder of a colleague who she believed to be a romantic rival for the affections of another astronaut Navy Commander William Oefelein. The story only gets more bizarre.

This astronaut, with a masters degree in aeronautical engineering and who flew to space last July, went wacko because she was in love with a man. Nowak drove 900 miles from Houston to Orlando wearing a disguise and a pamper so that she would not have to stop along the way to use the bathroom! To make a very long story short, she confronted the woman in a parking lot, police were called and she was arrested. I must add that she is recently separated from her husband and has three children.

So what makes a woman, in this case a very intelligent astronaut with a masters degree go crazy over some guy? When it comes to love why do we let go of our sensible selves and do obviously crazy things to win the affections of someone else? The great philosopher Plato once said that ‘Love is a serious mental disease.’ We have all heard the stories of women who do anything to keep their man or get one. I have even had a woman call and tell me that she would kill me if I didn’t stay away from her man. To this day, I do not even know who her man is! So what makes us go all nuts over love?

Researcher Helen Fisher of Rutgers University has said that during the stages of falling in love, there is a certain group of neuro-transmitters released in our brains. One of these called Serotonin, is the most important chemical involved in the love process. Serotonin may actually send us temporarily insane! Researchers found that events occurring in the brain when we are in love have similarities with mental illness. So can we really blame this astronaut for her weird and crazy actions? I think that she and her lawyers should just blame the whole incident on Serotonin. I can just imagine the scene in the courtroom. ‘Why did you try to kidnap your colleague Ms Nowak?’ asks the prosecutor. ‘The Serotonin made me do it,’ she answers. ‘Why did you try to kill your colleague?' ‘The Serotonin made me do it,’ she answers again.

Another chemical released while in love is Dopamine which is also activated by cocaine and nicotine use. So that means when we are in love with someone we start acting like crack heads. Anyway, there is even more evidence that shows that people really suffer from a few mental disorders while in love. A1990 research study done in Italy suggested that people who have recently fallen in love have some symptoms of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder or OCD.

A sufferer of OCD may become obsessive about certain things. One of the authors of the study suggested that these chemical reactions are necessary for relationships to last because we kinda have to be mad to fall in love. Oh well, I wish that astronaut, her family and all others involved all the luck in the world. After all it wasn’t really her fault. The Serotonin did it!

Studs Vs Sluts

2007-02-07T08:09:00.000-05:00

One great thing about working at Star Publishing is the unlimited opportunity for in-depth and truly interesting discussion. I recently got into such a discussion with two of the Star Newspaper's writers. The conversation centered on the differences between men and women and the male writer was convinced that women are the superior sex. I would have to agree with him there but the conversation got much more interesting than that.

We started talking about whether women are really able to sleep around or have sex without any emotional attachment like some men are able to do very well. I call this the battle of the Studs Vs the Sluts. We all know what happens is a guy enjoys himself and beds many women. His friends slap him on the back and treat him like their national hero. But when a woman decides to be sexually liberated and add a few notches to her bedpost she is instantly labeled a slut. Isn't this an equal opportunity society where there both sexes should be treated the same?

Another important question that arises in these types of situation is the question of whether men and women are built the same emotionally. Can a woman truly 'screw around' like a man and have sex just for the pleasure of it without developing any emotional attachment to the guy in question? During our discussion at work, the male writer was convinced that women were simply not like men in that respect and that the mothering instincts in women always pop up in all situations. He went on to say that many women try to just have sex but sooner of later emotions get in the way.

I do not fully agree with that statement because like everything else it depends on the person involved. I can talk from the perspective of a woman and say that sometimes sex is just sex and at other times emotional attachments do arise. What started out as just sleeping together turns into something more. From a male perspective, I can only say what my male friends have told me. They too agree that they can just sleep around and really not feel anything for the women. One admitted that even though he was happily married and that he would never leave his wife, a little something different on the side now and then was necessary. This, he said would never affect his marriage. He also went on to admit that if his wife did the same thing then he would have a problem with it because she would get too involved with the other man (as all women do!).

So the great debate rages on. Are men and women emotionally different when it comes to sex and everything else? Recent scientific studies suggest that there are starck differences between the emotional wiring in men and women. The research studies suggested that the brains of the sexes are built differently. So would these differences affect how we view and respond to sex? The discussions continue….

Be Single or Be Sorry

2007-02-01T12:28:00.000-05:00

I hope that all married and committed women are not tempted to shoot me after they are done reading this article. Here goes: One report by the World Health Organization indicated that married women, especially those with children have a higher risk of depression than single women. A recent morning news report on NBC investigated the reasons why being single is so great. And suggested that many married persons or those in a committed relationship are sorry that they are in a twosome. The divorce rate is also on the rise with marriages lasting even shorter than they used to. So I guess the rule is be single or be sorry!

Now to all the couples out there, I am not trying to scare you in any way. I just want to support all of the single people and remind them why it is soooo good to be unattached.On a very entertaining Web site Askmen.com, one of their writers listed the reasons why men should enjoy their single status. Many of these apply to single women as well. They include not having to tolerate nagging or moodiness, appreciating your independence and having complete control over your finances. I have to add to that list that you can really truly be yourself and not have to adjust your personality, lifestyle or choices to please anybody. You have the complete freedom to do whatever you want with your time, if it’s watching six episodes of Sex in the City one after the other for the third time this week, or partying until four in the morning with your friends.

Another study suggested that single people are more likely to achieve great things. Now think about it, if you are constantly occupied with wifely or household duties in addition to regular work, is there any time or energy left over to come up with brilliant ideas or even work at achieving something great? Oh boy, I am really in trouble now! I am making references to studies and research done on the subject so I am not just pulling these comments out of a hat.

There are so many other benefits of being single. You really have the freedom and time to develop your interests and truly find out what you really want out of life. Being married or in a long-term committed relationship when you are too young could have many negative effects. I could never imagine being married at twenty. Six years later, I am a completely different person and my perspective on a lot of things has changed. If I had gotten married to the type of guy that I liked when I was twenty, I would be a miserable wreck right now and I would be very sorry I made that commitment. But of course it may work for some people.

But wait, there are still more benefits to being single. These include having better friendships and having a better body. A recent study by the Cornell University concluded that women generally gain five to eight pounds in the first few years of marriage and unhappily married women gain an average of 54 pounds in the first ten years. Ouch! I can see the firing squad lining up in front of me now . . .

Do You Have GST?

2007-01-24T08:57:00.000-05:00

On recent Sunday, while flipping through the channels, I came across an extremely interesting reality show on Lifetime. The show was called Gay, Straight or Taken, and single women were tested to see if they had GST. Let me explain. One single girl had to spend some time with three guys. One guy is gay, the second is straight and single and the third is taken or unavailable. The girl has to figure out which guy is the straight single one and if she guesses correctly the two of them go on a romantic vacation together.

I was thoroughly engrossed in this show and tried guessing who was Gay, Straight or Taken. As a single gal, I have to do this very same thing when dealing with guys. In the dating world, how can you tell the difference? Are there signs or signals to indicate a guy's status if he does not volunteer the true information? With a limited number of straight, single guys out there, girls must arm themselves with a huge dose of GST in order to weed out the not so good options.

In the past the stereotype of gay guys was very clear. Most people assumed that if a guy was very much into clothes, grooming and acted in a feminine manner, that he was gay. Now, with the rise of the metrosexual (a straight guy who spends a great deal of time and money on his appearance and has a great sense of style), it is much harder to judge a guy's sexual orientation just by his attention to his appearance. After spending some time in Miami and having a few gay friends, I surely know that not all gay guys are neat freaks or have great style. So that throws this theory right out the window! And now with some brothers on the down-low (guys who have sex with other guys on a regular basis but who do not identify themselves as being gay or bi-sexual), it is even harder to separate the bananas from the oranges.

Now, I hope that no one is misconstruing my remarks. I have nothing against gay guys and I have had the privilege of having a few gay friends, but as a single gal I need to be able to quickly and efficiently identify who is single, straight and available.

Now on to the men who are taken, unavailable, have a girlfriend, a wife, baby's mama or are in a committed relationship. Some of these men, when 'chatting up' women, conveniently forget to mention that all important fact. Even when these guys are singing a different tune, is there anyway to tell if they are 'off the market'. The truth is that you really can't tell, especially with guys who have developed the art of lying about it. My advice to you, especially if you live in St. Lucia or any other small community, is to ask your cousin's mother's sister's friend's co-worker, cause somebody somewhere must know something about him!

So there really is no definite way of telling if a guy is gay, straight or taken if there are no obvious signs. So what's a gal to do then? Hopefully your cousin's mother's sister's friend's co-worker will have some information about the guy for you!

The Love Triangle

2007-01-17T08:25:00.000-05:00

There is an old saying that advises a woman to choose the man who is in love with her instead of the man who she is in love with. What's a girl to do if she is madly in love with guy number one but he is does not feel exactly the same about her. Then there is guy number two who is madly in love with the girl but she does not feel exactly the same about him. Does she choose option one, option two or say adios to both?

I know what my answer would be, but let's put that aside for now while we investigate all the options. If you had to choose between two guys/girls to spend the rest of your life with, would you choose someone that was absolutely devoted to you who you didn't think is your soul mate. Or would you go for another person who you are totally devoted to but who does not have similar strong feelings for you?? Decisions, decisions…

An acquaintance of mine once told me about a similar dilemma that she was in. She was in a relationship with this guy for one and a half years and she was really in love with him. The guy on the other hand treated her like crap, cheated on her constantly and clearly did not love her. Soon another guy comes along and shows plenty of interest in her and he soon declares that he is in love with her and wants to treat her like a queen. Even though she is not in love with this new guy, she promptly leaves her boyfriend and begins to date. She admitted that she was just as miserable in this relationship as she was in the old because she didn't have any strong feelings for her new boyfriend. The relationship lasted for three months until she broke up with him.

Well if I had to choose between the two, was forced to choose, told to choose or else…; I would do the smart thing and choose the guy who is devoted to and totally in love with me! Isn't that the better and smarter route to take? I think that life would be sort of easier knowing that the person you are with truly loves you. Then, I guess it would be a bad thing for the guy; having a girl who does not feel the same way about him. Another thing that may happen is that the girl may just wake up one day, get tired of being with someone who she is not in love with and may just walk out.

The second route is just as problematic. You start having a wonderful relationship with the guy that you are totally in love with and then one day out of the blue, he ups and leaves because he gets tired of being with someone who he is not in love with.

In both instances, only one person is happy in the relationship, and as a result many problems and issues will arise. For a relationship to work, really work, both people involved should want to be with the other. The best option is to say adios to both and find someone who loves you just as much as you love them!

Many times, in relationships, people settle for less than they want. Even though they feel unsure about being with their partner or they are remaining in the relationship for the wrong reasons, they do not end things. A guy once told me that he no longer loved his girlfriend but did not want to break up with her because he felt obligated to say in the relationship. They had been together for four years and he had simply fallen out of love with her. In the end, she broke up with him because she caught him cheating! If only he had been honest and ended the relationship earlier, some of the drama could have been avoided. Anyhoo, until next time…

Broken Hearted

2007-01-11T09:30:00.000-05:00

Can a broken heart be mended? Can we survive having our hearts stomped on by another and then recover to love again? Yes, I know this sounds a tad bit melodramatic but really can we love someone else fully after we have been hurt in the past? And is it easier for men or women to get over 'love gone bad'?

My heart was truly broken for the first time circa 1987, when I realized that Michael Jackson would never be mine forever. I had to cheer myself up by listening to 'Bad' over and over again. Yes folks, I, like all kids of the 80s, was in looove with Michael. Anyway, I got over him and moved on to Denzel Washington.

Now let's be serious. Let's say you fell madly and truly in love with someone for the first time in your life. I am talking about true love, not giddy lust or anything like that. You believe that this person is your soul mate and you are prepared to spend the rest of your life with them. One day out of the blue, your 'soul mate' says that he/she has had enough and they want out of the relationship or you catch him/her cheating. Can your heart ever be mended? Can you fully love again and be open with another person without thinking about what happened in the past?

I asked a couple of friends about this recently and they all agreed that a broken heart in the past would almost always affect relationships in the future. It has been said that 'players' (guys or girls) who now go around breaking hearts, were once broken hearted themselves. They got hurt by their true loves and are now taking revenge. Yes I know I am getting melodramatic again but there is some truth to it. If your girl or guy deceives you in some way, it will be harder to trust again in a new relationship. You will, like it or not, judge your new love by the actions of your old one.

So how do we mend a broken heart so that we can love again fully with putting up all of the barriers and walls around our hearts? We have to remember that this is life. You win some you lose some. From every relationship we learn a lot about our selves and about others. We learn what to do and what not to do in a relationship. We also have to realize that everyone is different, that each relationship is different and we can not blame or judge someone based on another person's actions.

My male friends were saying that women handle break ups much worse than men do. I beg to differ! I think that both men and women can suffer equally from a broken heart. Sometimes some men just have a better way of hiding it and keeping it all in. Men, don't be afraid to cry and let it all out!

As I get older (yes I know that I am only 26), I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. If someone breaks your heart, cheats on you or leaves you, then it is for the best. At least they are now out of your way and out of your life so that you can meet someone else who is better for you. Anyhoo enough of this depressing stuff. This is a brand new year and I can not wait to see what happens next in my love life. Stay tuned…

Love In The Office

2007-01-04T14:19:00.000-05:00

The inevitable sometimes happens. When you spend 24/7 working at your office, spending time with your collegues, more time with them than even your family, romance may blossom. Inevitably, two eyes will meet across the boardroom desk and a man and woman will fall madly in love (or lust) with each other. Inter office romances stir up so many issues. Should it be allowed in the work place or not? Who can date whom? Do you keep the romance hidden from the rest of the office? Is it ok for an employer to become more than friendly with an employee? And when does 'harmless flirting' cross the line and become sexual harassment?

Before I continue, I must answer the question that you are probably asking. No, I am not dating or want to become more than friendly with anyone in my workplace! Now let's get on with this very juicy topic. First, should inter office romances even be allowed? Some companies do have very strict polices against it but others do not really give any guidance on the issue. It is said that human beings are powerless over who they fall in love with but sometimes the situation may just become way too complicated especially when the meeting ground is the office. I think that office romances can actually work and many I know about have led to marriage and committed relationships. It is not advisable however for a manager and one of her/his employees to start a little something going. Even though true love may blossom between the two, a lot of drama can happen when other employees resent the relationship. Any promotion or advancement may be looked at suspiciously.

A friend of mine who lives Miami once dated a guy she worked with. She admitted that the relationship was successful only because they worked in different departments on different floors of the building. A few people in the office knew about the romance but it did not interfere with their jobs because they did not work directly with one another and they never went about making out in the hallways or playing 'footsy' during meetings.

In a smaller workplace where everyone has to work with everyone else, love in the office may be a bit more complicated. Can you imagine having a worldwind romance with some gorgeous guy, then having to concentrate on work while he makes sweet eyes at you if he is sitting two desks away? And what if the relationship goes sour? You have to see that face day in and day out.

Then on to the serious issue. When does 'flirting' in the office cross the line and become harassment? Managers and others in charge should, at all costs, avoid flirting with their employees. Many companies (not in this country of course) have had to shell out mucho dinero for some senseless and sexual remark made by their managers to a member of staff. So many friends (male and female) have told me how their bosses have harassed them in one way or another and many just grin and bear it. Hope the new labour code does something about that situation!

Anyhoo folks, do have a happy New Year and I wish us all success and joy in our love lives in 2007!

The Year in Review

2006-12-30T14:03:00.000-05:00

The countdown is on, 2006 is almost over. it sure went by in a flash. It’s a few more days until the new year and I find myself, a single gal, wondering who I am going to kiss at the stoke of midnight. There have been many options throughout this year but none lasted long enough.

By no means am I complaining about my single status. This just leaves all my options open for snogging a handsome stranger on the right of me or making out with the cute dude on my left when the call comes: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. . . Happy New Year! Oh gosh, I am forgetting that my parents read this column. Only joking moma and papa!

So anyway, I would be seriously lying if I said that this year was boring when it came to my love life. I went from having the most arid dating period ever to having way too many men to handle, then had to deal with two women who wanted me naked and sandwiched between them. (If you missed that very interesting column, then check out my web site for all of the juicy details!)

Over the last few months, I learned all about compromising and not compromising. I learned that a guy has to fit into my life, not ever the other way around. I recall a guy wanting me to change my image and lifestyle to suit his. He refused to continue dating me unless I conformed. Well, obviously that one definitely fizzled out! In relationships, compromise is sometimes a good thing and makes things go smoothly when both parties are happy. The problem arises when a guy or girl wants you to change the essence of who you are, change your personality and give up the things that make you happy so that you would be more suitable for them.

My word of advice: show that person the door! Career and family has also been on my mind this year. As I turned 26 in November, I began wondering whether I should care more about settling down and having a family in the near future. I came up with a definite answer—No way. Even though many of my old classmates are now married or attached with children, I realize that this is certainly not a priority for me now or anywhere in the near future. I will concentrate on me now and enjoy life as much as I can. I still haven't decided whether I am the marrying or childbearing type. A year from now, I may be singing a different tune but as of today, this is where I’m at.

I was recently having a couple of cosmopolitans with a very interesting group of people and all of the single ones were singing the same tune. There is nobody out there for them. Well, to all of the single ones out there, I say, enjoy it while it lasts. embrace your freedom to do whatever you want to do with your life! Now back to the stroke of midnight, will I be smooching the cutie on the right or the handsome guy on the left?

Election Love

2006-12-22T14:13:00.000-05:00

During this election season, I thought about all of the issues that were being debated, the rising crime situation, the tourism industry, corruption in government, the NCA affair, the Rochamel affair and all of the other affairs and scandals. I also made one very important and interesting observation. This current election is really like a love affair and can be compared to a woman's love life.

Yes, I know that it may sound extremely far-fetched but just hear me out and think about it carefully. So, let's say St. Lucia was the woman in this love affair, and Hon. Sir John Compton and Dr. Kenny Anthony were her love interests. So St. Lucia was in a relationship with Compton for a really really long time. She loved how he treated her and benefited greatly from his affection. They both got comfortable with each other and began acting like an old married couple.

After many years, she got tired of him and craved for something new. 'The grass looks greener on the other side," she thought and left the mature Sir John for someone new, young and apparently more exciting. This is when Dr. Anthony enters the picture and sweeps Miss St. Lucia off of her feet with sweet talk, player moves, wining and dining; the likes of which she had never seen before. St. Lucia promptly dumps John and begins her hot affair with Anthony. Very soon, huge cracks start to appear in the once 'perfect' relationship and Kenny starts to show his true colours. St. Lucia realizes what a horrible mistake she made and goes running back, into the arms of her true love, Sir John.

So you see, we all have a lesson to learn from this election season; I know that the whole affair is not that simple but there are a few things we can take from it and apply to our love lives. First of all, we have to learn that the grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence even though it may appear to be. If we are in a long-term relationship, we may get bored with the other person and may seek another love interest. There is nothing wrong with that, but sometimes what is best for us is right in front of us, standing by our side day in and day out. Someone new does not always equal something better.

Another thing is that when two people get together and fall in love at a young age (as St. Lucia did with Sir John), when they are still growing up and maturing, a little time apart may actually do them and the relationship some good. Sometimes, you need to spend a little time apart to grow, mature and find out what you really want out of life. After that when both of you are ready, the relationship can resume and hopefully you two can live happily ever after… Oh at least we all hope so. So you see, the comparison was not so far-fetched after all!

Anyone Up For A Girly Cocktail?

2006-12-22T14:04:00.000-05:00

We want you naked sandwiched between us,” the two young women said, giggling. What? Okay, maybe I heard them wrong, the music at the show was very loud so this could have caused a mix-up in communication. Perhaps they were asking if I wanted a sandwich or something.

“Can you repeat that? I didn't hear you too well,” I responded. “Come and party with us, come dance, We want you,” they answered.I better start from the beginning and explain how I found myself being propositioned by two girls. I recently went to another Caribbean island to report on a fashion show for SHE Caribbean magazine. A new hot clothing line was being launched and I was hanging out backstage with the models. A band was on stage performing, so everyone was just chillin, dancing and talking. A few of the female models were asking me about the magazine and about the very hot Jamie Foxx cover.

Two seemed to be extra interested in everything I had to say and kept smiling at me, whispering, and then giggling. A male friend was sitting next to me and soon the girls were whispering something in his ear. The girls then left to get drinks and my male friend passed on their message to me. “Esther, these two girls want to know if you will have some fun with them tonight,” he said with one eyebrow raised and a mischievous smile on his face.

“Oh no, I'm too tired to dance right now and I have to be at the airport at 6am tomorrow,” I answered.“No Esther, I do not think that they want to just dance with you,” he responded, raising the eyebrow again. “What? What? Oh, oh, please tell them thanks but no thanks. I really prefer males,” I answered.

Now, I really understood what was going on. I had thought nothing of their interest in me. I only believed that they were just really friendly. Anyway to make this story short, they continued throughout the night trying to convince me to join them and I kept on declining. The funny thing is that they both spoke about their boyfriends who they loved very much. My male friend explained that the girls were not lesbians but they still liked having fun on the side with each other and girls that they fancied.

This whole girl-on-girl thing seems to be a trend sweeping the dating culture all over the world. Yes, there are lesbians, bisexuals and girls who experiment but this new breed of women have boyfriends or husbands, claim not to be lesbians or bisexual but are “experimenting” on a very regular basis. Yes, right here in St Lucia this trend is growing in popularity.

So, how did this story end? The girls ended up at my hotel but not in my room. I ended up dancing the night away with my male friend and getting exactly one hour of sleep before I had to leave for the airport!

Race Relations

2006-11-29T07:37:00.000-05:00

During a recent lunch with two girlfriends the conversation got around to love, marriage and race. None of us could not wrap our brains around the fact that in many cultures love between two people of different races or religions are forbidden. As I looked around the table, I realized that we were all from a different race. I had long become oblivious of their skin colour and I never really thought about it before then. When it comes to matters of the heart, does race really matter? Should our skin colour be a barrier to love?

Of course not. I may sound naive but it seems to me ridiculous that in 2006 many people see race as a factor even when it comes to love. My personal philosophy is that people are people. Skin colour should matter only when you are trying to choose the right shade for your hair. Okay, let’s get serious here. For centuries men and women have been falling in love with people outside of their own race.

Cleopatra fell in love with Julius Cesar in 46 BC, Iman fell in love with David Bowie in the 1970s and now the supermodel Heidi Klum has fallen for the singer Seal. So, what exactly is the issue with race and love? Why can’t we all just love who we love and judge others not on their shades or tones but on their characters and personalities.

In many countries, including our sweet St Lucia, dating someone from another race attracts stares, frowns and sometimes nasty comments form strangers. I mean, come on people, why can’t we all just get along? As Sir Paul Mc Cartney and Stevie Wonder said in their song: “Ebony and Ivory, live together in perfect harmony, side by side …” For more on this I spoke to someone I regard as an expert on interracial dating: my own sister, whose ex-boyfriend is from Luxembourg and her current from Australia. She said that even though the colour of their skin is a non-issue to family and friends, and that many of their friends are dating or even married to people outside their race, some strangers seem to object to their union. Other black women dating white men have been called traitors to their race.

Now people, I am not telling you who to date but if your rule is to date only people of your own race, imagine how many great, interesting and good-looking men and women of other races that you will never get the chance to know. I have had the privilege of having white, black, Hispanic, Chinese, Arab friends, and I realize skin colour is just that: a colour, a descriptive word, nothing more. When you get to really know people, we are all basically alike. Some good and some bad.

Good Grief It's Raining Men

2006-11-29T07:32:00.000-05:00

My love life always seems to go in weird cycles. I dunno if it’s the moon, rain or alignment of the planet Jupiter, but at times life’s like the Sahara desert; no men in my line of vision for miles and miles and then suddenly there’s a monsoon and I’m flooded out. Seriously.

A few months ago, my dating calendar was soo empty that I was forced to write about how boring my love life was. My mother and a couple of my girlfriends placed all of the blame squarely on this column. “No man will ever ask you out again,” my mother said. “Why would he, if you are going to write about it in the papers for all of St Lucia and the world to read,” my girlfriend added.

“But I never mention any names,” I responded, in an attempt to defend my good name. Okay, so I admit that was a pretty lame defense. But then how to explain those monsoon seasons; when men seem to pop up from every crevice on this earth’s surface; all entering my life all at the same time. What a lucky lady, you say? Well, I am but I must tell you that too much of a good thing is never great. Take chocolate, for example, which I absolutely love. Eat one bar and it’s terribly fulfilling; eat ten and what you’ll end up with is a very bad stomach ache. So, what to do when many good offers are lined up on the table and you have no idea which to pick?

The first option is to accept them all and hope that your juggling skills are excellent. This reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte had two dinner dates in one night. She pretended to be sick on the first date so that she could make it in time for the second. Hummm . . . good idea. Could that ever work for me? Well, that show is based in New York city where there are many more restaurants, bars and nightclubs to go to and the chances of running into the guy from your first date when you are with your second are low. In St Lucia where the options are limited, your first date’s cousin’s brother’s wife’s friend may just see you out with the second guy and rat you out.

Now do not get me wrong, I think in the early stages of the dating game it is fine to date more than one person at a time until both of you decide to be exclusive but it is usually best to avoid having two dates on one night or things may become a wee bit problematic. The second option is to carefully sift through all the offers, pick the best of the lot and work with that one guy for as long or as little as you like. In this way you can give your full attention to that one person.
Alas! There is also the option of saying no thank you to all of them and go on enjoying your single and sometimes dateless experience. Uhhh, I don’t think so. I’ll go with option one or two and hope that it continues to rain.

To Love, Lust or Like?

2006-11-20T16:57:00.000-05:00

The world of dating and relationships is a quagmire of confusion. One major bog is the question: ‘Is this love or lust?’ How can you tell if you are truly, madly, deeply in love with someone or you are just filled with lust for his or her beautiful body? What is the difference anyway and how do you know when you are in love? And can you really fall in love at first sight? Questions, questions . . .
Some long time ago, I met this guy through a mutual friend. We seemed perfect for each other and soon I felt that I was truly in love with him. I, being an extremely analytical person, could not accept that I had fallen in love so quickly. Could I just abandon all logic, all good common sense and let my heart take over? We soon realized that we had some major personality and lifestyle differences and said adios to each other.
All of the loving feelings were replaced by indifference and I couldn't remember why I had been so in love. If it really was love wouldn't I be hurting, crying or missing him? I wasn't doing any of the above, so I concluded that had only been lust or a deep liking.
Two days ago, a friend met me and gushed, “Esther, I am in love!” I, of course, wanted to know every single detail. Did she have some secret fellow that she was hiding somewhere? “Who is this guy?” I asked. “Well I met him yesterday when I was downtown!” she answered. What! Yesterday! Was I hearing correctly? This normally levelheaded girl had fallen in love overnight?
“You are in love just after one day?” I asked in disbelief. “No, it didn't take one day. It was love at first sight. We locked eyes and I knew that he was the one for me. I can’t explain it, but I just feel ditzy, childish and are at a loss for words whenever I am with him,” she continued.
She went on to say that she had never felt this way before and she knew that it was more than just a crush or lust. I refrained from mouthing the cynical thoughts that swirled around in my head. I do wish her luck! The question still remains. How do you know if it is love? Are there specific symptoms, clues, and factors that signal this emotion? And what does being in love mean? I searched for the meaning of love in the Oxford dictionary online and it explained love as “to feel love for.” Huh?
I searched some more and the online dictionary also stated that love is “an intense feeling of deep affection” and “to like very much.” Okay, I still haven't found the answers to any of my questions about love, lust or deep liking. Maybe I should just stop thinking and rambling so much . .

Wedding Bliss

2006-11-02T08:22:00.000-05:00

Before I even start anything, let me just clarify one thing—no, I am not getting married. I know how the St Lucian grapevine works. Someone sees the title of this article and before even reading the piece a cousin in Brooklyn is telling all Looshans up there how they hear Esther Lee getting married. Then my mother will get a whole-ton a calls, everyone wanting to know who’s the lucky man. Then my mother will be calling me to find out how come folks in Brooklyn know I’m getting hitched and she doesn’t! Yes, it has happened before!
So anyway, I recently attended a wedding at a local hotel for a feature in Tropical Traveller. I had planned to interview the couple and observe the ceremony. The bride and groom seemed so in love. Both were teary eyed during the exchange of vows and couldn’t take their eyes off each other. Later I heard how the newly married man had fallen in love with his bride the day he met her. Awww! How sweet is that?
While watching the happy couple promise to love each other for life, I couldn’t help but feel a little pang of jealousy, wishing that one day I would experience the same thing. But then I really don't know when or if I could ever get married. Yes, just like most young women, I sometimes dream about walking down the aisle in my Vera Wang wedding dress to meet my groom at the altar. But this whole marriage thing is just not that important to me right now. While some of my schoolmates are now married, running a household and having babies, I remain very satisfied putting my energy into my career and other activities I enjoy.
My puppy Coco is trouble enough to care for and I can't imagine having a husband and kids. Heck, I still live with my Mama! I choose to be a bit selfish with my life and time right now.Even when I get older, I wonder if marriage will be that important or necessary. With the divorce rate so high, saying ‘I do’ is a real risk. Why can’t I just be like Oprah? She and Stedman have been together forever and choose not to take that all-important trip down the aisle. I could just have a boyfriend or boyfriends. Why not? I know that marriage purists are wondering what’s wrong with me but that’s how I feel right now; ten years down the line, I may feel differently.
Lately, I have been thinking about kids as well. I really do not know if I want any. I recently interviewed a very successful magazine publisher who’s been married for several years and they’ve decided not to have kids. Going against all pressure from family and friends, this woman admitted that her work was her baby and that she was just too busy and happy with her life to fit kids in. I totally admired her for being so honest because a lot of women feel pressured to follow the ideal family picture. I totally understood her.
I spoke to my wise mother recently about my to- have-children-or-not dilemma and she spoke of the joys of motherhood. But hey, this is life and you never know what may happen. Come find me in five years and I may just be barefoot and pregnant, cooking in some man's kitchen!

How Picky Is Too Picky?

2006-09-18T14:15:00.000-05:00

My dear, dear readers, this gal has had an epiphany. I have now realized that in dating, everything and I repeat everything is relative and subjective. Let me start from the beginning. Some time ago I was dating this absolutely wonderful guy, he was perfect for me or so I thought. Then one day out of the blue, he informed me that we could no longer date because he did not approve of me wearing short skirts or the one glass of red wine that I had with my steak for dinner. WHAT?? Yes it is true, some guy did not want to date the wonderful me because of that.

So of course I was furious. I thought that this guy had no right to judge me. So what if I showed off my legs a few times and what good is a medium rare steak without a good glass of red wine. I just could not understand where he was coming from. Was he that picky about the girls he dated? He obviously liked me so should that prevent him from dating me?

Ok, so after the anger and disbelief subsided, I really began to think about the situation. Was this guy wrong in being that picky? And how picky is too picky? I mean, we all have our list of things that we want in a dating partner. I always try to go outside the box and date guys who are not my type but it rarely works out. So maybe this guy had his list (which includes a girl who only wear skirts below the knee and certainly one that drinks zero alcohol, Shandy included!) So was he wrong for following his must have list? I took a look at myself and my list for what I want in a guy and realized that some people may think that I am being too picky.

For example, I would prefer to date someone who does not smoke. I just prefer that and would rather not be exposed to second hand smoke. I also prefer not to date guys who are way too much into the hip hop style of dress. (Oh boy, I will get in trouble for this one!). I absolutely detest these oversized basketball jerseys, the pants that reach just above the calf and the too big jeans that fall off the bum. I really prefer a guy who has a Euro style of dressing, with fitted clothes. When I tell some St. Lucian guys that, they think that I am crazy and admit that they would never actually buy clothes that fit them only those two sizes bigger. Oye!

So am I now being too picky? I am not saying that I would stop dating someone for the above mentioned things but I have to admit that I might not start dating them in the first place. So was the guy who didn’t approve of my short skirts or wine drinking wrong? Was he being way too picky? Some part of me still says yes and that he is ridiculous but another part says that this is just what the guy wants. If he has a list of what he looks for in a partner, who am I to tell him that he is wrong or too picky?

All power to him. I hope that he finds exactly what he is looking for. I on the other hand will look for some one who loves my short skirts, who I can enjoy a bottle of wine with and who does not wear oversized clothes! Until next week…

What Men Want

2006-09-08T15:04:00.000-05:00

I must say that after being in the dating world for a few years, I have come to realize that the male species is even more confusing than the females, regardless of what everybody else thinks. Recently some guy didn’t like the fact that I wore short skirts and some other guys that I have dated loved me to show off my God given gambs. One study suggests that guys like dumb women, another swears that the opposite is true and that men will fall for the smart woman. I always wonder what exactly men are looking for in a woman. What do men really want?

All single girls ask themselves this question when dating. What qualities do guys find attractive in girls? Many studies suggest that there are some basic factors that men look for. First, they say that all men want is to be loved. They want a woman that will totally love them for who they are. Aww. How sweet! Men also want a woman with a sense of humor and one that exudes confidence without being full of herself. Another important factor is that men want approval from their buddies. They want a woman who will get thumbs up from their guy friends when she leaves the table. Other studies suggest that a man just wants a mommy!

Now lets start with the biggest ongoing debate. Do men want beauty or brains? A recent study for a TV news magazine show interviewed 1000 men about this topic. They concluded that 48% of men choose beauty, 36% choose brains and 16% wanted a combination of both. 16%??? What’s wrong with these men? So is this study really true and does it represent the majority of men. So if you have a dumb beautiful woman, what happens when you get so used to her looks, do you stare at each other all day? On the other hand, an intelligent woman could keep you entertained for a lifetime. If I was a man, I would definitely choose a combination of both. There is nothing better than a smart beautiful woman.

A new research study in the Journal of Evolution and Human Behaviour concluded that men want subordinate women and another study suggests that men are four times as likely to be attracted to a woman who is less educated than them. I’m seeing a scaring trend here. Is an educated woman that intimidating? According to these studies, I guess so.

So the question remains, what do men want? I am still confused as ever. If I have to go by the studies, then all men want is a dumb woman. Then I am really out of luck with my extremely high IQ. Hahahaha. Before I end dear readers, I must tell you about another very interesting study. A UK study suggests that how full a man’s stomach is can dictate the type of woman he will like. That means that when a man is hungry, he prefers a much heavier woman. Until next week…

Does Single Equal Lonely?

2006-08-29T10:41:00.000-05:00

Last night I was watching a Chris Rock Special on HBO. The comedian was as usual in all his glory talking about the all-important issue. Relationships. Rock plainly stated that there are only two options or routes when it comes to relationships. You can either be married and miserable, or single and lonely. He went on to say that when you are married, you always want to kill the other person but when you are single you always want to kill yourself. Is that really true? Does single really equal lonely?

As a single gal with a few dates scattered here and there, that thought always crosses my mind. Especially when your friends are all in couples. You go to dinner, they are in a couple, you are alone; you go to a club, they are dancing away with their special someone and you are trying to get away from some annoying guy who does not understand the meaning of ‘no I do not want to dance with you, ever!’ Let’s not even talk about special occasions like Valentine’s Day or some formal occasion where a date is as important and required as that perfect little black dress.

I must admit that it can get lonely sometimes. I repeat, only sometimes. It is of course great to be in a relationship with a cool guy but it is also great to be single as well. Sometimes. Like everything else, being single has its good and bad sides. It can be a lot of fun to be single especially in your twenties where the world is your oyster and you are free to do whatsoever you want to do. There is no guy to answer to. No explaining to do as to where you were with whom or what time you will be home.

As a single person, you can choose to do anything you want with your time especially on the weekends. If you choose to go to the club until four in the morning, wake up at 2pm the next day, then spend all day in bed eating chocolate ice cream and watching the Food Network, then so be it. It’s all up to you. The important thing to remember is that you must have a life, one that you enjoy.

And let’s not forget the all-important benefit to being single. You can date whomever you please. No jealous boyfriend to deal with. In that way you get to meet a lot of great and some not so great guys. Trust me, I know. You get to weed out the qualities that you love in guys and those that you would prefer to avoid. Oh and let me not forget girls, that if you are single, you have no worrying to do about where your man is with whom doing what until what time. Okay.

Now I am not saying that being single is any better than being in a great relationship. They both have pros and cons. I must admit that the last dates I went on were pretty incredible but I am still very much single and not at all lonely! So there! Until next week…

Compromise

2006-08-22T15:05:00.000-05:00

A relationship is the union of two very different worlds, so there will always be differences in opinions, beliefs, views and lifestyles. Many love experts say that a healthy relationship is all about compromise but how much of ourselves should we be willing to give up in order to make a relationship work? Does commitment equal compromise?

When dating, most people usually look for a partner who has similar interests, values and lifestyles as they do but this does not guarantee that the couple will agree on everything. The guy may be perfect for you but you may have extremely different views on certain issues.

A friend of mine used to date this guy who she thought was absolutely perfect for her. Later on into the relationship he admitted that he did not approve of women wearing makeup and making a fuss over their appearance. Now let me just explain that this friend of mine was a fashion and beauty addict, so telling her that wearing makeup was wrong was a no no. She of course was taken aback by this revelation and asked the guy whether they could agree to disagree. He stood steadfast and stuck to his beliefs and she to hers, so in the end the two went their separate ways.

Should she have compromised and wear less or no makeup and change her wardrobe to suit the guy? I would say no because if it starts with the makeup and wardrobe who knows where it will end up? In five years he may strongly suggest that she stop working and remain barefoot and pregnant cooking his food in his kitchen. That is just my opinion and some may see it differently. If you are willing to give that up to make the relationship work then I say good luck to you.

So if everything else in a relationship is perfect but there is just one thing that that the couple disagrees on, should they compromise and work it out or should they call it quits? I think that it really depends on what that one thing is. If compromising means that you will not be true to yourself and that you are giving up part of your identity, then I say call it quits and find another guy or gal who will accept you for what you are, differences and all.

Some relationship gurus say that if we give up too much of ourselves in a relationship just to please the other person, then we may end up resenting that person down the line. I really do not think that it makes sense to be with someone who will not allow you to be yourself. We have to allow room in our relationships for each other’s beliefs and opinions and not try to control the person that you are with by pushing your point of view down their throats.

Just remember that communication is the key in a relationship and that sometimes compromising is good. Guys, if the woman wants you to help out by taking out the trash, then just do it! And women if the guy wants you to stop yelling at him for every little thing, then just stop yelling. But if someone wants you to totally change who you are to suit themselves, then say adios. Until next week…

Match.com

2006-08-14T12:33:00.000-05:00

So my dear dear readers, get ready to crack open the bottle of champagne, release the fireworks and celebrate. There may be hope for this single gal after all. In last week’s column titled “The Setup”, I told you folks about my sister and her boyfriend setting me up with this guy. We had our first get together over the weekend with my sis and her boy looking on for their entertainment. I was really hoping that the date would go well and I would not have to write about ‘The Setup Disaster’. Alas my people, a disaster it was not!!!

So I’ll start from the very beginning. So I went out with my sister and boyfriend and planned on meeting this guy at one of my favorite hangouts, Castaways, in Rodney Bay Village. So I arrived before him, waited for a few minutes and then he entered the building. After taking him all in before even saying a word to each other, I knew that we would be fast friends. This may sound extremely shallow but the boy has mucho mucho style and definitely knows how to put an outfit together. He has this Euro-surfer boy thing going which I absolutely adore.

So enough about the clothes, we ate and chatted and laughed and after the first thirty minutes, I realized that this guy was the male me!!! Can you believe it? If I was born a man, I think that I would be him. We are into the same things, and have many similar interests. Ding, Ding, Ding. In other words we clicked perfectly.

So my sister may have a future in match making with her first effort being so successful. I must thank her for setting me up but now she is really taking this a bit too far. The girl has already begun calling in the favours. She has asked me to redecorate her room, do this and do that. She did do me a huge favour and this was the best date I have had in a looong time so I may have to oblige.

Anyway back to the date. It was so great that we decided to meet up again the next night. The second was even better than the first. If you were wondering why we had not met before this, it is because he is not from St. Lucia. He recently moved here from a neighboring Caribbean island. Isn’t regional unity a great thing?

So my dear readers, this single girl just may have a lot more to write about in the upcoming weeks. We have only had three dates, so I am just taking it slow and will see where it leads. So far so good but in the dating world, things may change in a nano second.

Anyway, this weekend, he is joining me for lunch at my father’s house. My dad’s cool so it should go well. I just hope that I will not be writing a third installment of ‘Meet the Parents’ movies where Ben Stiller meets his fiancé’s father, played by Robert Dinero and everything you can possibly think of goes wrong. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Until next week…

The Setup

2006-08-07T10:07:00.000-05:00

As a single gal, there are many risks you take when trying to find a date. I have gone out with guys I know who are not my type and rarely does it work out. Then there is the risk of all risks. The one that may cause rifts in friendships and family ties. The one that might break hearts and make grown men weep. This is the setup.

What exactly is a setup you may ask? This is where someone you know thinks that they have the perfect guy or gal for you and arrange for you two to meet on a date or get to know each other thing. If the person who arranges the setup knows you well, then the results may be fantastic but if they do not, you may be stuck with some guy you really do not want. And that could be disastrous!

So my dear readers, my sister and her boyfriend are getting tired of seeing me dateless. I think that they are just tired of me being the third wheel when I go out with them but they would deny it. Anyway, the sweet sweet couple is now feeling so sorry for me that they are trying to set me up with a gentleman. They have identified the guy, made sure that I would approve, and then went ahead and spoke to him. They both know him and think that he would be perfect for me.

I have met this guy and he is cute, interesting and woks in the same industry as I do so we do have some things in common. My sister and her boyfriend know him much better than I so I am hoping that they have chosen wisely. They are so excited about this whole setup thing and will even accompany me for the first meeting. I am now starting to wonder whether they really want to set me up with a great guy or they are just looking for some excitement and entertainment to amuse themselves. Will we be their puppets that they manipulate? Dance puppet, dance! Oh boy!

So I am hoping that this setup will actually work out but what do I do if it doesn’t? What if I know from the first minute that this guy is just a no no? What if the initial meeting goes horribly wrong? This is different from a normal date. If you meet a guy on your own and it doesn’t work out you only have to explain to him. But when it comes to a setup you have to explain your reasons why to the person or in my case persons who organized the whole thing.

Then, if you do not want to see the guy again, do you tell him or tell the setup organizers first? And would they carry the message? OYE!!! This is sooo confusing. I am trusting that my sister, who has known me for the past 25 years (all my life), would know which guy is right for me. Well I am trusting, hoping and praying that she does! If she does not, then we have some issues to deal with.

I must of course remember that this setup could be great for me. It could work out perfectly and then my sis and her boyfriend can pat themselves on the back. Hopefully next week, my article title will not be ‘The Disaster’.

The Handyman

2006-08-07T10:05:00.000-05:00

What do women really want? For decades, we have fought for the right to vote, the right to equal pay and opportunity and the right to be treated just like a man. When it comes to love, the terms are a little different. Do we really want to be all equal in a relationship? Do we want to do everything that a man does like pick up the check and open the door? Do we want a guy that will let us? Or do we want a man’s man who will be there to save the day and be our knight in shining amour?

I was recently watching a segment on NBC’s ‘The Today Show’, which said that women today want a handyman; they want a man who will be their rescuer and fix things. So even though we have fought for the right to be equal when it comes to everything else, when it comes to love we still want the man to play the usual male role.

A few years ago, I really liked this guy. We hung out a lot and them I really got to know him. The traits that had attracted me in the beginning slowly began to irritate me. This guy was sensitive, loved to listen and really took care of himself. I’m talking about him paying very special attention to his wardrobe, hair and getting regular manicures. Soon I realized that I was becoming the ‘man’ in the relationship. This guy had more feminine traits that I did. I think he would avoid doing anything that would mess his nails up. My sister suggested that maybe he was still in the closet and didn’t realize that he was gay but I doubt it. It was during that time that I realized that I really do want a handyman. I love a guy who is sweet, likes to listen and cares about how he looks but he should also be able to change a tire, paint a wall or defend me in a fight. In other words I like a man’s man.

In recent years there has been a great shift in men’s behaviour and the term metrosexual has been used to describe guys who are really into fashion, beauty, skincare and taking care of themselves but who are not gay. These guys spend extra money and time on looking their absolute best. This changes the dynamics of a relationship as the guy is now showing some very obvious feminine traits and he is now the one having a spa day. I really do not see anything wrong with that. The problem arises when this guy is taking more time to get ready than I am or has more beauty and skin care products. In other words, the buck stops here. I don’t want to be worried that I will be the one who has to change the tire in my heels and dress.

This makes me wonder, if I had to pick between a man’s man who is very handy, very masculine but not very cultured or a metrosexual who doesn’t know a hammer from a screw, who would I choose? Wow that tough, the handyman may not be able to eat with a knife and fork but he can paint your house. And the metrosexual will happily go shopping with you but do not count on him when the sink’s clogged. So who do I choose? Hmmm. Well. Ok if there was a gun to my head and I was forced to choose, I would probably choose the metrosexual. I know many of you would disagree but I love to shop and as a beauty product junkie, I could discuss the latest ones with him. And I could always hire a plumber.

Too Boring To Mention

2006-08-07T10:04:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well, it has come to this. I cannot believe that I am now at this point. My dear readers, after months of writing about my love life in this column, this week I have absolutely nothing to say. After dishing out everything about everything, I have no soaps to tell, no stories to relate. Has my love life come to this? My dating life is now too boring to even mention? How long will it be like this? Will I remain single forever?

The men just seem no where to be found. It’s like they have all scattered. Yes, I must admit that in the past few weeks, I have had some excitement, even a prime minister told me that I was beautiful and I meet some really great men when I left the island. But that’s just it; I met them, then nothing else. I guess it really does not help that they are not living here. Oh well. Woe is me.

Now let me investigate why this could be happening, why the men that I like now seem non-existent. The first thing I could think of is a little frightening. My mother warned me about this. Every week, after reading my column, she always says that I will never go on a date again because everything a guy tells me, I put in the paper. No guy will want to take you out or even speak to you after this, she says time and time again. Is mi Madre correcto? Have the boys all run off because a girl likes to write about them? I guess I could understand why a guy would resist asking me out. Who would want their most embarrassing moments published for all of the world or at least St. Lucia to see? Not many, if any!! But come on guys, I don’t mention any names, do I?

The second reason could be that I am just really not actively looking for them. Many dating experts say that you have to go out there and look for guys if you want to find them. I hardly go out now because it is just boring. Same places, same people, nothing new at all. So may be that’s it. If I stay at home, I won’t meet any cute, interesting men. But then, I really don’t want to be that desperate and go hunting for guys. Maybe I’ll work on that and see what happens.

Oh my, what if I grow old and become an ole maid. Oye! I will be 26 this year. Four more years until I am thirty, 20 until I am fifty, Oye, Oye Oye! Ok I must stop this. I am still young and there will be many other opportunities to meet guys. Whew.

My friends get so excited now when they see guy just wink at me. They too, I think, are starting to get a little worried about the state of my love life. My sister just reminded me that many people get married when they are in their fifties, so I still have many years to go. Hey, I'm not looking for a husband, just a date! Well she shouldn’t even talk; she is not going through this dilemma because she has a great boyfriend.

My dear, dear readers, do come back next week. I promise to go out this weekend, so that hopefully I can bring you some type of soaps. Maybe a guy will wink at me! Until next week…

Outside The Box

2006-08-07T09:59:00.000-05:00

Well, well, well folks, something very strange is happening to me. I just can’t explain it, I can’t control it but it is happening. Just when I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, I realize that I do not at all. Just when I thought that I had a certain type of guy I was attracted to, things change dramatically. Does the type of guy we like change constantly and can we find love if we go outside of our well sealed boxes?

A couple of months ago, I met this guy who was here visiting and on business. He was a friend of a friend and we seem to hit it off. He was a great guy, very smart, cute, funny and we just seemed to click. But and this is a huge but, he was just not my type at all. There was nothing wrong with this guy, he was quite close to perfect but he was just not the type of guy that I would usually go for. One of my girlfriends, realizing what was going on, began to tease me constantly. I of course denied that I was even interested. I mean, how could I be? He did not fit my bill at all.

A few months ago, I wrote about my type of guy and questioned whether I was too picky. Many readers responded, some telling me to stick to what I wanted and not settle for less, others said that I was going to miss out because I was not thinking outside of the box. One woman even confessed that she had met her husband after she opened up her eyes and realized that he was standing right there in front of her.

Now let me just explain that I would not be settling if I dated this guy. He is a gentleman, has an MBA, makes me laugh, is sooo good looking BUT he is just not the type that I usually go for. I must admit thought that I am very interested in him. My girlfriend will have a field day after this but I have to be honest and admit the truth to myself.

I went to St. Kitts recently and this same guy was there as well. We spent some time together and this just cemented the fact that the kind of guy I like is changing. Some ‘love experts’ believe that the type of guy a woman like changes as she get older. As her focus in life changes, so does the guy that she goes for. Oh my! Am I getting old? I will be celebrating my 26 birthday in November this year, so maybe that explains it.

These ‘experts’ also say that the basic characteristics and personality traits that a woman is attracted to however does not change. So according to them, the candy that I want will remain the same, but the wrapper will change constantly. But maybe this was just a one- time thing. Maybe, this guy had something special that made me step outside of my box just this time. Well this is what I believe until I stumbled upon another similar guy and found him quite interesting as well!!

Ok now I’m really getting worried. Do I no longer have a type? Has the kind of guy that I am attracted to changed? Or do I now have a welcome sign on my back saying door open to all? Oye!!! Until next week…

CSME Love

2006-07-24T14:21:00.000-05:00

I have always loved to travel but after my recent trip abroad, I am now becoming an advocate of inter-Caribbean travel. Last weekend, I went to the island of St. Kitts for the 10th Annual Music Festival and I not only met some great superstar performers like Beenie Man, Shaggy and Morgan Heritage but there was also a huge spike in my life where the boys are concerned. It had me thinking of the great benefits that CSME will have for me. Not only will I be able to work in other islands, it will also be easier for me to date guys from there as well. Ding, Ding, Ding!!!

Now let me start from the beginning. My girlfriends and I stayed at the Marriott Hotel where all of the performers from the festival were staying as well. So it was only natural for us to come up close and personal with them. Chris Brown kept staring and the guys from Morgan Heritage made sweet eyes at us. But it did not stop there. I have to say again that traveling to other Caribbean islands can do wonders for a single girls dating life.

In the past I have spoken about how the size of St. Lucia negatively affects my love life. You see the same people over and over again, there is nobody new to meet and when you do date someone, he last dated a friend of a friend of a friend so it is uncomfortable for everyone. So my ladies, if you want to meet some interesting, cute, funny guys, just look up or down the Caribbean Sea and you will find oh sooo many of them. These governments in the region need to finalize this CSME thing so that we all can benefit.

So, let’s get back to St. Kitts. One night after the concert, we went out to the BET Soundstage for the after party. While there we met up with some medical students from the US who were studying in St. Kitts. One of them in particular seemed very interested in me and at the end of the night asked me out on a lunch date for the day after. Alas, he seemed interesting and did call the day after to set up the date but unfortunately my schedule did not permit. Oh well.

Then there was guy number two. He was the sound engineer for one of the big acts at the festival and I meet him back stage at the media tent while I was waiting to interview Shaggy for my TV show Access Caribbean. I had seen him earlier with some of the other members of the band. I was walking by and one of his friends called me Tyra Banks. I smiled and laughed as I walked away. Anyway, he finally got the courage and came over to me. This guy was truly very interesting and I really wanted to find out more about him. Alas, he was leaving the next day and wanted to maybe meet after the concert or for breakfast. I was so tired that I crashed and woke up after he checked out of the hotel to fly to Miami for another show. When I woke up, I realized that he had left a very sweet note under my hotel room door saying what a pleasure it was to meet me. AAAWWWW. How sweet!

Guy number three. This guy I had met before through a friend of a friend who visited St. Lucia on business. I had met him during the Jazz festival and he suggested that we come to St. Kitts to film the festival. He also had business interests there and would be on the island at that time. There were a few sparks when we meet in St. Lucia, so of course we had to meet up again in St. Kitts. I must say that this guy is truly intriguing and I hope that we spend more time together in the very near future.

Now the last incident happened on my last day in St. Kitts when I was getting ready to check out of the hotel. The Caricom Heads of Government meeting was taking place on the island and all of the Prime Ministers of the region were checking into the Marriott. So as I was sitting, waiting in the lobby, a Prime Minister of a neighboring island (who shall remain nameless) came up to me and said, “Woman, you are beautiful. Why are you so beautiful? What’s your name, your full name?” The PM kept staring and then said that he hoped that I preferred his country to St. Lucia because it was better by far and wide. As he said the far and wide he kept on motioning around his stomach area. I am still trying to guess what he was talking about.

Well, well, well, time for CSME to be in full effect. Who knows, I might be dating a Caribbean national from another island soon or maybe even a PM!

Love vs Career

2006-07-24T13:49:00.000-05:00

A couple of weeks ago my sister asked me a very interesting question. She asked, “If you had to choose between having an extremely successful career, someone like Condoleezza Rice, the Secretary of State of the United States or having a very very ordinary career with a great love life, which would you choose?” I didn’t hesitate when I choose the amazing career over the love life. My sister tried to explain that maybe the love life would be better to choose because that could bring me more happiness. I beg to differ. I also had to wonder, does my quest to be the best at work interfere with my love life?

I am only twenty five years right now and for me, being a successful writer and building my TV production business is much more important right now that having a boyfriend. If I were forced to choose, I would always choose the career. Maybe ten years from now, having a great love of my life and a family may be more important, but right now I really can’t think along those lines.

Women have been battling this dilemma for decades. In the fifties, a lot of women were satisfied with being a great housewife and mother and their family was their number one priority. Things started to change in the sixties and women began to rebel. By the seventies and eighties, it was all about the high-powered positions as women flocked to the boardroom. In the nineties, the ladies wanted it all and tried to balance family and career. Today, a lot of women are choosing to leave the office to become pregnant cooking housewives, something I could not be. Now, I am not insulting anybody’s choice, it would just not be mine.

Now back to the important question. Does my drive and ambition to have a successful career interfere with my love life? I have always said that my boyfriend would have to understand how important work is to me for us to have a successful relationship. The fact that I work a lot even in my free time would affect the amount of time I spend with him and he would have to understand. Some guys would just not be able to deal with that.

A guy once admitted to me that he could never date someone like me because he would feel a little intimidated by my ambitious nature. Is that also a problem? Are guys running scared because a girl wants to be successful? Well if that the case, they wouldn’t be worth it anyway. Guys have to get that cave man mentality out of their heads and realize that women can bring home the bacon as well and they (the guys) can cook it. Haahaha. I will surely never get a date now!!!

After reading my column last week, my mother told me that no guy would ever want to talk to me again. They would all be too afraid. Oh boy!! So what do I choose, having a popular (award-winning!!!) column or having a guy? You know my answer.

Enough Already!

2006-07-10T09:55:00.001-05:00

I have really had enough! Enough of the bad pick up lines, the irritating guys who still do not get the message after you tell them to leave you alone, and the men invading your personal space when you are out trying to have a good time. I have concluded that all of this happens to me because I am single. Think about it. If I had a man at my side, would these idiotic creatures still pounce? I do not think so and I have all of the evidence to prove it!

Incident one. I was at a party a few weeks ago and I seem to be the only single gal there. Why did I come? I thought to my self as I looked around and saw almost everyone else in a twosome. I will blame it on my sister who dragged me out and who was also not alone. So I’m there, just bouncing my head to the music, eating some fried chicken, when this guy who had been staring at me for the last half hour approached. “Hey, are you a model?” he asked while coming way too close to me. “Well sometimes I model,” I answered being as polite as possible. “Well, I just knew it. You have this different look, I just can’t explain it, a different face, yes, body, uhum, yes,” he continued to babble as he surveyed the area a.k.a. me!

I looked around for someone to save me, someone who would come to my rescue or even my sister but they were all otherwise occupied with their husbands, wives, boyfriends or girlfriends. As he continued to drop every chat line available, I just knew that all this torture could have been avoided if I was part of a couple. The guy would probably have never approached me, or my boyfriend would scare him off for me. HAHAHA.

Incident number two. I was filming something for my television show Access Caribbean, when a guy at the location started acting really chummy. Now I am usually a friendly person and my sister says that I flirt without realizing it, so maybe I am to blame for all of this. Anyway, when I was leaving, I reached across to shake the guy’s hand. Instead he reached over and kissed me on the cheek and handed me a piece of paper. “Why don’t you put your number on there so I can take you out,” he said seductively, smiling and staring into my eyes. I didn’t want to be rude and just tell him no, so I quickly scanned my reserve of excuses stored in the brain and came up with the following. “Well, I have a boyfriend and I don’t think he would like other guys taking me out on dates,” I said, hoping that he had never read the Love Chronicles column, where I plainly state that I am single.

“How long have you had that problem?” he answered quickly. “Well for a year and a half now,” I responded. “Oh ok, well that’s too bad,” he said backing off instantly. Ahah! Problem solved. So you see, I mention that I have a boyfriend, the guy back off and does not pursue. I can only imagine how different the situation would have turned out if I had said that I was single. In the past, when some guys heard the magic ‘single’ word, they take that as a license to try to convince me that the are the perfect guy for me and are convinced that I will believe that too if they just bug me enough.

Incident three. I was at a club in Dominica sometime ago, dancing away when this guy asked me to dance. I told him that my boyfriend was coming right back, so no I could not dance with him. The guy told me that he was sure that I had no boyfriend and that I just did not want to dance with him. Humm, smart guy. But I was out with a male friend, so when he returned to dance with me, I smiled over at the guy to show him that I indeed had a boyfriend. Oh my! The things a single gal has to go though everyday. I have truly had enough, so I am now accepting applications from guys who want to play the role of my boyfriend! Until next week…

Long Distance Love

2006-07-04T12:44:00.000-05:00

Recently a friend of mine asked for some advice concerning her relationship. Her boyfriend of two years was moving away indefinitely for business purposes. He had asked her to join him but her commitments in St. Lucia prevented her from doing so. She admitted that she was truly in love with him and wanted to know if she should try to save the relationship regardless of the distance (he would be moving to Europe). Can love survive the long distance?

Many persons all around the world are now dealing with long distance relationships for several reasons. Some move for work and others for school. Other couples have to deal with their partner being away for several weeks at a time and we all know the horror stories about the traveling salesman with two wives and families who know nothing about each other. So what options does a couple, getting ready to deal with long distance love, have?

In an article by Andre Cross for Askmen.com, he talks about three basic options. The first is that the couple can decide to remain faithful to each other and keep the relationship as is. The second option is that the couple can agree to date other people, have an open relationship and see what happens. The third is that they can call it quits and start dating other people right away. So what is the best option? It all depends on what is best for the particular couple.

The couple has to decide whether the relationship is worth saving and must agree on how they will deal with the separation. So many issues arise with all of the options. If a couple decides to stay together regardless of distance, then trust issues come into play. When people live in different countries or even on different continents there is no sure way of knowing what they are up to. This reminds me of an incident that happened to one of my guy friends. He and his then girlfriend had decided to stay together even if they attended university in different states in the US. They communicated very often and the guy remained faithful. One holiday weekend, he decided to surprise her and flew over to see her. He went straight to her apartment from the airport, knocked on her door, expecting her to answer. She wasn’t home, but a guy claiming to be her boyfriend was and wanted to know who the hell he was. Well, well drama followed and he broke it off with the girl and took his depressed self back home.

Stephen Blake, author of the best selling ‘Loving Your Long Distance Relationship’ series is more positive about the survival of these types of relationships. He says that distance is not the end of the world in a relationship and that distance cannot and will not hurt a bond between two people, which is based on mutual respect, trust, commitment and love. Mr. Blake is rather optimistic but hey I guess it works for some people. Until next week…

Leave My Man Alone!

2006-06-26T09:49:00.000-05:00

Well, Well, Well, ladies and gents, I have been threatened by a woman for… a man! My life as I know it may come to an end because of a man. Now, dear readers, before you get ahead of yourselves, let me just explain that, NO, I did not steal another woman’s man, I did not mess around with some girl’s boyfriend or anything like that.

Ok, I’ll start from the very beginning. I have not been going out for about two or three weeks now. There is just nothing new to do and I have no desire to waste a great outfit and makeup, so I have just been hanging out at home or with my girls. So, all of the excitement when it comes to boys has died down a bit or so I thought. Well, my dear, dear readers, it was exactly 12:30 am (that’s half past midnight), I was laying in front of the television watching Lindsay Lohan on Saturday Night Live when my cell phone rang. “Who is calling?” I thought. Checked the caller ID and it was a private call. “Hello,” I answered expecting it to be one of my friends on the other end. Well it was definitely not. Get ready for this. “You better back off you f_ _ _king b@*ch and leave my man alone or I will kill you!” an icy female voice said. Then there was silence as the phone went dead.

I was so stunned by this that I had no time to react and engage the caller before she hung up. Leave her man alone? What man? As far as I and all of you reading this column know, I am very much single right now and I have no interest whatsoever in anybody! So what exactly was this woman talking about? I thought about the guys I had contact with recently or had called. Humm. Only two. One guy friend had called earlier that night and I had called an acquaintance the day before to discuss a business proposal. His voicemail on his cell phone came on so I left a message with my cell phone number asking him to give me a call. Ahah maybe that was it. Did some girlfriend of his check his messages and decide to set me straight. Well if that was the case, she just cost him some good business!

So why do women behave like that when it comes to men? Why should a woman degrade herself in that way? I am sure that we have all heard about the stories, cat fights and fists drawn all because of some man. I’m sure we have all seen it on the Maury Show and Jerry Springer. Two women hating each other just because some guy (who is usually never worth it) is two timing them. My advice ladies, confront the man!! If you think that your boyfriend, husband or partner is cheating, you need to ask him about it, not the other woman. If you find out that he is really lying to you, then quarrel with him. The other woman didn’t cheat on you, he did. And sometimes your suspicion may just be wrong and you might end up calling some woman at 12:30 in the night who doesn’t even know who your boyfriend is!!!

So I say again to all of the ladies (especially the one who called me) who think that it is right to threaten another person, have some dignity and self respect and I do believe that threatening someone’s life is against the law!!! Until next week…

Photo:Rick Wayne

Friends & Lovers

2006-06-19T12:00:00.000-05:00

I was thinking about having a party recently so I decided to make a list of people that I would invite. After writing down about 50 names I realized a certain trend. There was an unusual balance between the number of girls and guys on the list. My friends and acquaintances who were guys greatly outnumbered the girls. There were 42 guys and 8 girls on the list. Now, I started to wonder, with all of these guy friends, was one not suitable to become more than that? Do friends make the best boyfriends or girlfriends? And should a single gal dip into her friendship pool to get a mate?

Going way way back into my vault of love, I realized that the first guy that I really liked was actually a very good friend first. We realized that there was something more, so we started dating. It was really a great experience because I really knew almost everything about him and we were just extremely comfortable with each other. But then there are some guy friends who I would never consider dating because I know almost everything about them. I know about all of the girls, the player moves and the two girlfriends who know nothing about each other.

Some people believe that men and women cannot be just friends and that there is always a natural progression towards something else. (Warning: All attached women stop reading now!!) So anyway, the great comedian Chris Rock once said (well I had to edit it alot) that women and men can never be just friends. He went on to state all women’s male friends are like extras in a glass case; break in case of emergency. In other words if a women needs a man she will get just get one from the male friends that she has. OH, Ahah. So should I be going that route? I dunno.

So then, what happens if a friend likes another friend but then that love is not returned? A popular excuse to gently let someone down is: “I don’t want to ruin the friendship.” Note well, if a friend who you are in love with tells you this, then they are not interested in anything more. So let it go and move on!

Then another issue arises with this friends and lovers thing. What if the two friends actually do get together for a while and then the relationship thing does not work out. Can they then return to their original state; as close friends? Or has the love ruined the friendship for good. I guess it all depends on the reason for the breakup. If it was painful, then friendship may be a hard thing afterwards but it all depends.

Like with anything else in love, some things work for some people some of the time. So if you have a great friend who you think could become more then go for it. Anyway until next week… Where did I put that party list? I need to go through the names of the guys one more time.

The Unintentional Flirt

2006-06-12T10:35:00.000-05:00

Last week I learnt something about myself that I had never noticed before. This thing that I suddenly realized, is somewhat troubling and really not a good thing for a single girl to be. I was told that I flirt without meaning to or without knowing that I do. Am I an unintentional flirt?

Okay, so let’s start from the beginning. Last week I was walking through Castries with my sister when I saw this guy coming towards us and staring at me intently. Only when we got really close I realized that he was an acquaintance who I had not seen in years because he was away studying. I of course got excited, hugged and kissed him (on the cheek) and spoke to him for a while. After we parted, my sister gave her observations. “Esther,” she said. “If anybody was watching that exchange with you and that guy they would probably think something was going on between you two.” “What do you mean?” I asked confused. She went on to explain that the way I looked at him, smiled at him and touched his arm while speaking may give out the wrong impression to other people and most importantly to him. OYE!!! She went on further to point out that I behaved like this frequently, and that I may be flirting without realizing it or my very open and friendly attitude would be mistaken for a love connection. OYE!!!

I tried explaining to her that I just felt comfortable talking to most people and that my looking directly into the eyes just meant that and nothing else. Furthermore if I’m happy to see someone, I smile and I sometimes touch people when I’m talking to them. No flirting going on here. Just friendly behaviour. During this week, I started to really think about what my sister had said. Was she right? Did my friendly attitude come across as flirtations? Oh my! Maybe that explains the uninvited gestures of love that I have been getting recently. Was I misleading guys and was it my fault that I had been receiving these unwanted advances?

My unintentional flirting brings up another very important issue. Guys that I am really interested in may think that I am interested in someone else. A couple of weeks ago I was at Mangos Bar and Grill in Rodney Bay Village hanging out with some friends. A guy I knew came over and we stared talking and laughing. I of course was my usual self and smiled and laughed and hit his arm when he made a joke (I was not interested in him in anyway whatsoever). Mid way through the conversation I glanced across the bar and saw this guy staring and frowning at me. Now let me explain that this other guy across the bar is someone that I do have a great interest in. This guy continued staring and frowning until the guy who was talking to me left. Looking back on that situation now, I have to wonder if the guy across the bar thought that I had some sort of interest in the one (guy) I was talking to because of my behaviour (which I now know looks like flirting). Oh boy. So if someone who I actually like thinks that I like someone else, they may just back off. Oh my, Oh my, Oh my. Then maybe, he could have just had a headache and I am analyzing the situation way too much.

Now, I did some research online and realized that I am certainly not the only person with this dilemma. It seems that many, many persons have this challenge as well. One website stated that the unintentional flirt does not know that he or she is sending out mixed signals and that they are completely unaware of the depth of their flirtations. So I just may be reading guys the wrong way as well. So if some guy who is also an unintentional flirt is just being nice, I may read that as interest in me and I may give unwanted advances. Oh my, Oh my, Oh my. Until next week…

Love & Loss

2006-06-06T14:29:00.000-05:00

With this thing called love, we sometimes question our choices and decisions. When things do not turn out how we want or expect them, we sometimes regret that the situation happened at all. A famous saying comes to mind. “It is better to have love then lost than to have never loved at all?” So what’s the answer? Do we fall in love knowing that our heart may be broken into a million little pieces at the end or do we avoid love all together?

During the St. Lucia Jazz festival last week, international performers were not the only ones flying into the country to make our week a more exciting one. Old flames and love interests were here as well, making me question my decisions and love life. This one guy in particular who things didn’t end too well with would be on island. We hadn’t really spoken for a while and I question whether I even wanted to (speak to him). I became extremely nervous and anxious about the whole situation and questioned whether I should have started dating him in the first place. Yes, I did learn a lot about myself, about love and life but wouldn’t everyone be happier and wouldn’t things be easier if I had never dated him?

Anyway, this is of course a small island, so we bumped into each other during all of the jazz festivities in Rodney Bay. I was across the bar and felt my girlfriend elbowing me (very hard) in the ribs. “What?” I asked her. “There he is, over there, blue shirt. Do you see him?” she asked. I looked across and there he was laughing and talking with some friends. “Are you going to say hello,” my friend asked. “Well should I? I don’t know,” I answered. Last time we had seen each other, we had both been angry, so I didn’t know how he or I would react. I finally mustered up all the courage I could and walked over to him. “Hi there,” I said rather casually, pretending I had not rehearsed the conversation in my head. “Hi, how are you?” he said smiling. We spoke for a few minutes and I realized that all of the angry feelings that I had felt had somehow vanished. We had grown up, learnt a lot and moved on. Well that wasn’t so bad after all. While talking to him, I realized how much I had changed since we dated. I had learnt a lot from the situation and realized that I would have been a different person without it. The love and loss was well worth it.

Sometimes, a relationship must come to an end, not because the people want it but because it has too if someone has to move away for work, school or another important factor. Earlier this week, one of my friends was telling me about her own dilemma. Her boyfriend of three years was leaving the island in two months to go back to school. She had hoped that they would have a future together but now she was not sure at all. Could she last three years without him? Ok there might be the occasional Christmas vacation but that would be it. She began to question whether she should have ever fallen in love in the first place and started to point out all of her boyfriend’s flaws. After we spoke for a bit, she realized that she should be thankful for the time that they spent together even if it might come to a premature end.

I recently read an article, which said that we must fall in love with about ten persons before we find the one. Ten! Ouch! So we better be prepared to love and lose and love and lose again and again and again. Until next week…

Makeover Madness

2006-05-29T12:14:00.000-05:00

Last weekend I spent a few days with my girlfriends and another friend who I had not seen in three years. We of course had to exchange three years worth of stories, dramas and juicy gossip. As it usually happens, the topic of conversation centered on our love lives and the men involved. All of my friends were all discussing their boyfriends and love interests, well that is until it was my turn.

“So Esther, you haven’t told me. Who is the hot boyfriend now?” my friend asked, waiting to hear the soaps. “Well I don’t have one now,” I muttered under my breath. “What, you have no man, why?” she asked confused. I then proceeded to explain, to my bewildered friend, that I really was not interested in anyone right now and there really was none of my type of guy around (that I could see). “What do you mean, your type of guy?” she asked. “Well none that are perfect for me, none that I really want’” I answered. She then went on to set me straight, and explained that I would never ever have a boyfriend, if I was planning on waiting around for my type or someone that was perfect for me.

“What you have to do is find a man who has the basic set of morals and values that you want, then you fix or makeover the other stuff that you don’t like. So if he is a nice guy but he really does not know how to dress or something like that, then you simply give him a makeover and dress him how you want to,” she said. Wow, does that mean that men can be our personal Ken dolls. Do we go around shopping for the basic look that we want and then ‘dress him up’ the way we like? Should we accept someone who is just partly what we want then make him over to be our perfect man? Can we really ever change a man? Now dear male readers, I was not the one who said it, so please send your hate mail somewhere else!

My girlfriend then went on to share several stories of her other friends and their boyfriends. She explained that you have to be subtle about making these changes in your boyfriend so that they do not even realize what is happening. One of her friends detested a pair of shoes that her man wore, so one day when he was not around, she threw them out. When the man asked if she had seen his shoes, she of course said that she had no idea where they were. Her problem was solved. She went out shopping with him and helped pick out a pair that she liked. Another friend of hers thought that her boyfriend was a little too big around the belly, so she gave him a gym membership as a gift. Oye! So is that how it works? She also assured me that all men needed was a good woman to steer them in the right direction and that I should start looking around for the man that I could fix to be perfect for me.

I have been thinking of this issue for a few days now. Maybe that’s my answer to getting a man. I have been turning down some dates and a marriage proposal because the guys did not fit into my bracket. Should I accept an offer, and then go to work on creating my perfect man by changing what I do not like about that person. I really don’t know if I could. From all reports it has worked for a lot of women but could I manipulate someone into changing? Some have said that this process never works because a woman cannot change a man if he does not want to be changed. Some also say that these ‘makeovers’ last for only a while then the man gets tired and returns to his old ways. A woman once told me that she gave a man an extreme makeover, he dated her for a while then left her for another woman. It seems that a lot of other women appreciated the changes as well and threw themselves at him constantly. I think I will avoid that route for now! Until next week…

I Won!!!

2006-05-23T13:25:00.000-05:00

I submitted a collection of my Love Chronicles articles for the Literary Arts Section in the National Arts Awards of St. Lucia, organised by the Cultural Development Foundation. Formerly called the M & C Arts Awards, the competition and exhibition recognizes writers and artists of all genres including Visual, Performing and Literary. So, the awards ceremony was held last Saturday and I won the Gold (1st) prize for Creative Journalism. Who knew writing about my love life could win me a literary award!!!

Here with my daddy John Robert Lee, who is a great author/poet. Some of the writing genes rubbed off on me. One day I will be published, just like him! LOL

Will You Marry Me?

2006-05-22T11:37:00.000-05:00

I knew the day would come sooner or later. I thought it would be later but you never know with these things. I got asked the important question. That vital question that most women hope and pray and cross their fingers for. The question that changes lives and make most women weep with joy. Will you marry me? Now dear readers don’t get too excited thinking that this single gal will be single no more or that your invitation will be in the mail.

Ok, let’s start from the beginning. It was 7am on a Saturday morning, when my cell phone rang, waking me up. Anybody who knows me will never call me that early on a Saturday! If I am not filming for the TV show or covering a story, my bed is my friend until the very late hours of the morning, especially if I went out the night before. So the cell phone rings and I drag my tired body out of bed to answer it. “Hello,” I said still half asleep. “Hello, it is me,” the voice answered back. “Who?” I asked getting ready to hang up and return to bed. “It is me (insert name here),” he answered. “What’s up?” I asked wondering what the emergency was at this early hour. “Am, well, there is something that I wanted to tell you ever since the first time I saw you,” the guy said.
“Yes,” me becoming impatient. “Well I wanted to tell you that I love you and want you to marry me,” he dropped the bombshell.

WHAT!!!! I of course got fully awake instantly, and then started to wonder whether I was dreaming. “What did you say?” I asked. “I want you to marry me,” he said again. I reminded the guy in question that we hardly knew each other so the marriage question was a little strange. “Why do you say that?” he asked. Ok I had had enough, so I told him I had to go and I would have to speak to him later.

Now dear readers, this guy is not my boyfriend (as you all know I have none right now) or even someone that I have been dating, have dated or ever will date. I met this guy a few weeks ago, I can’t really go into detail, but we spoke briefly. I hired him to do something for me, so we had to meet up again. That was our only contact. After I had hung up the phone, I began to wonder. Had I sent the wrong signals? Did he misinterpret my warm and sunny disposition as interest in him? Where did it all go wrong?

I related this story to one of girlfriends and she came to two conclusions. One. This guy had severe mental problems. Two. He mistook my good manners for love. I really did not know what to conclude. The day after, he called me about eleven times in a one hour period. And the day after that as well. I finally answered and asked him what was up. He wanted to know when we could meet. I told him that I was busy and had to go because my boyfriend (the imaginary one) was waiting for me. Well, well dear readers, hopefully I will be asked that question again one day, later instead of sooner I hope. And until then I will try not to give out the wrong signals. Until next week…

To Like or Not To Like

2006-05-11T09:22:00.000-05:00

Growing up, I, like a lot of others had to learn that you can not have everything you want. No, I could not have a third ice cream cone or another doll. As you get older, you start having more control over what you want and what you can get. At twenty-five I can get that third ice cream cone if I want, or buy another pair of heels, but when it comes to love, sometimes the choice is not up to you at all. What do you do if you want something or someone but they do not want you back? What do you do if someone wants you but you do not want them? To like or not to like. That is the question.

Earlier this week one of my girlfriends called me at work and shared some very interesting news. She had found out through a mutual friend of ours that this guy (who we both knew) was extremely interested in me, and hoped that we could go out sometime. This information caused quite a distraction and I instantly got writer’s block just as I was trying to finish an article. Oye!! I got a little flustered, not because I was interested in him as well but because I was not.

Don’t get me wrong, this guy was perfect (well that I could see). He was good looking, educated, funny; I could have great conversations with him and I am sure that he would be a fun date. I had spoken to him a few times in the past, and we had mutual friends so we saw each other out and about. But, and this is a huge but, he was just not for me, just not my type. I have tried thinking outside the box and not really dating ‘my type’ but that just does not work for me. I always end up saying ‘I knew I was not interested!’ after the first date and have the task of telling the guy that this will be the last date. So this time, what am I to do? This guy has not asked me out yet but I am sure that the time is near. So what do you do? Do you go ahead and try to like this person because they like you? Or do you stick to your gut feeling and let them down, gently of course.

Another troubling situation arises, when the opposite is true. What if you are soooo in love (or in like) with someone but they just do not share the same feelings? I remember, years ago when I was a youngster at school, I had this huge crush on a guy. Major crush. We were in all of the same classes and had all of the same friends, so he was always around. So one day, I finally got enough courage to admit to one of my girlfriends that I was really interested in this guy. So she agreed to pass the message along and let the guy know how I felt. So she did and came back to let me know that he wanted to talk to me. I was sooo excited and expected him to profess his undying love for me. Did he do that? Oh no he didn’t. Instead he told me that he was not interested in me in that way but thought that I was a great friend. Then he went on to admit that he was really in love with my friend, the same one who came to him about me!!! And further more could I let her know that he liked her. WHAT???? This guy had been so gentle with his let down that I could not help but agree to assist him with his crush. But alas, she was not at all interested in him. Well I guess we both learnt a valuable lesson that day, you do not always get what you want and someone does not always like you just because you like him or her.

So what am I going to do about the guy who likes me? Right now, I am guessing that I will let him down very gently or use some lame excuse like ‘I’m always busy.’ But who knows, when the time comes I may just give him a chance and like him back. Let me know what you think. Until next week…

All In The Past?

2006-05-02T15:07:00.000-05:00

We have all said or heard someone say the following: “I will never get hurt by any guy/girl again.” This statement is usually uttered after the person has experienced a broken heart caused by some ex-boyfriend or girlfriend. This person then carries all of that baggage into another relationship and does not open up to the next person he or she dates, to ensure that their heart is never broken again. Some would deny that their past relationships affect new ones but the evidence sings a different tune. Is our past really all in the past?

A few days ago an acquaintance confessed what she had done. The day before she was at her boyfriend’s house when he left to get some soda at the supermarket, and then she started snooping. She admitted that she did not plan on going through his things, his drawers or his papers but it just happened. It was like some spirit just took over and she could not help herself. Then she realized that he had left his cell phone on the table so she went through all of his dialed calls, received calls and text messages. She was so engrossed in her search that she did not realize that her boyfriend had returned home and he caught her playing in his phone.

Before I asked her about the man’s reaction, I wanted to know what she was looking for or hoping to find in his things or on his cell phone. She responded that she really did not know what she was looking for but could not help looking. How did he react? When he confronted her about snooping, she explained to him that a past boyfriend had carried on another relationship while he was with her and that she now had a problem trusting men. Voila! Do we let what happens in a past relationship affect the present one? Yes we do. It’s a sad fact but it is true.

Sometimes we expect all guys or girls to be the same, and after getting deceived by one, we think that we will get deceived by the other. So we go along carrying all the baggage from one relationship into the next and let it affect how we relate to our new love. Many persons admit to being less open in new relationships after having their heart broken and are more weary and afraid of falling in love. Even though the past cannot always be forgotten, we really should not make our new boyfriend or girlfriend pay for what someone else did to us. That would just be unfair. I am not saying that we should completely forget past relationships but we should learn from the mistakes, know what bad traits to look for if they ever pop up in someone else but not let the past control our lives.

A guy friend once told me that he was having trouble trusting his girlfriend now because she had cheated on him in the past. I wanted to be optimistic and tell him that he should concentrate on the present and just forgive her but there really was no assurance that she would not cheat on him again or was with someone else at that moment. What do we do when the cause of our past heartbreaks is still present in our lives? Do we just forgive and forget and live happily ever after with that person? That’s the question my guy friend asked me that day and I really did not have an answer. All I could tell him was that every situation is different and that he has to do what’s right for him. Some say that this is how players are made. They get their hearts broken really badly once and never recover. So they build up walls and just have lots of casual flings to ensure that their heart is never broken again. So all of these bad-boy players are just scared little boys trying not to get hurt. AWWWW. Until next week…

Monogamy, Polygamy & Polyandry

2006-04-26T15:17:00.000-05:00

Monogamy is usually described as having only one spouse or romantic partner at a time. This topic, as with any other relating to love, dating or relationships, causes heated discussions and arguments among persons with different views. Scientists and relationship experts are constantly researching and trying to answer the question of monogamy. Is it realistic for human beings to be with only one person at a time?

I was recently discussing monogamy with an acquaintance and he reported the tale of one straying husband. That husband in question had informed his wife that he wanted a divorce because she didn’t want to understand that he wanted to be with other women. YES, dear readers, you read right. He wanted to divorce his wife because she did not want to accept the fact that he wanted to be with other women, while still married to her. (Let’s pause here to take a deep breathe.). Some of us may be appalled at the above story but it that not the norm in St. Lucia? I have heard so many tales of persons having multiple boyfriends or girlfriends and everybody is just fine with it.

A local DJ was taking to me recently about his girlfriends and I being as curious as usual, asked him how many. “How many girlfriends do you have?” I asked. “Well, I have four main girls and about six to nine others,” he answered. WHAT???? “Do they all know about each other?” I continued asking. “Yes they do and it is ok with them,” he responded. Ok, let’s leave that one alone for another article. So if being with more than one person at a time is so widely accepted, is being with only one or being monogamous really realistic? Have we been programmed to think that having only one mate is the right thing to do and what do the research scientists have to say about it?

This is what scientific researchers have to say. Is monogamy natural in human beings? No. They also say that monogamy in the animal world, especially in mammals is very, very rare. So in the animal kingdom, the creatures really cannot help doing what comes naturally. Biologically they are supposed to be with more than one creature at a time. They do not have a choice, do they? As one scientist put it, “The animals do not have a choice, but humans do.” So there you go. Even if it is not natural for human beings to be monogamous, we have a choice whether we are or not.

The father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, once argued that civilization is founded on the repression of instincts. In other words, society is based on the fact that human beings do not act naturally. I am sure we all know that things are much easier if we are with only one partner or spouse at a time.

History researchers also say that polygamy (having more than one partner or spouse at the same time) was practiced in many areas of the world before the rules of European civilization spread. In many developing countries around the world, polygamy is still a common practice with men having many wives. In the Toda tribe of India and some other Hindu societies, the practice of polyandry occurs. Polyandry is where one woman has several husbands. Oh my!! I wonder if polyandry is legal in St. Lucia. Ummm... Just kidding! Until next week…

Cheap Dates

2006-04-18T12:23:00.000-05:00

Recently a guy made a comment that had me fuming for a couple of hours, appalled that he would think such things about me. He suggested that I would never date a guy like him because he could not afford to take me to expensive dinners and fancy restaurants. He also said that a girl like me needs a guy with lots of money to spoil me. &%#@*&^!!
I, of course, had to set him straight immediately, asking him not to judge before getting to know me. I further explained that I can ‘spoil’ myself by myself, and that the thought is really what counts when it comes to planning dates. So what’s a guy to do when he wants to take a girl out and his pockets are lined with cobwebs? And how do we girls separate the cheap, selfish guys from the sweet, broke ones?

Now let’s get the cheap selfish guys out of the way first! My friend ‘Diane’ was dating this guy many years ago when she was still a youngster and was blinded by young love. So Diane and this guy went to a performance at Pointe Seraphine. The guy said that he did not have much money so Diane paid for the entrance fee of five dollars for the two of them. During the performance the guy says to Diane, “Diane, aren’t you thirsty?” “Yes, I am,” said Diane smiling, thinking that her guy was offering to buy her a drink. “Well I am thirsty too, so get me a Heineken when you go to the bar,” he responded. WHAT!!!! Well Diane, blinded by love, went to the bar and bought this guy a beer. Dear readers, I was present at the above incident and I must tell you that it was the way in which this guy spoke to Diane that had me reeling. But it did not end there. When the couple left the show, the guy stopped to buy another beer, pulled out a 20-dollar bill and never asked Diane whether she wanted something as well. Now that is the cheap, selfish, disrespectful type that we all should stay away from.

Now there are the guys, who are absolutely great, interesting and well mannered, that just cannot afford the extravagant things while dating. They may be ambitious and hard working but there is just not enough money left over to wine and dine a lady after the bills and other obligations are settled. Guys, that is OKAY. All you have to do is be creative when planning dates and remember that it really is the thought and effort you put into it that counts.

I remember that the best date I ever went on was when this guy cooked for me. He found out what I liked to eat and made a special at home dinner for the two of us. I still remember that time with fondness because it was absolutely thoughtful, and he put so much effort into it. He even decorated the table with candles and flowers. AAWWWW. So guys, imagine that you can have a girl so impressed with you by spending under 30 or 40 dollars. Let me break it down for you. Go to the supermarket or meat place and buy two legs of chicken, two pieces of fish or whatever your girl likes. Buy some rice, some cucumbers and tomatoes. Pick some peppers from your neighbour’s garden (with permission of course) and some flowers from the other neighbour. Go to S & S and buy two coloured candles. Voila! You have a fabulous date all arranged. Your date will be blown away by your effort.

If cooking is not your thing, why not invite her to watch you play basketball or football and even offer to teach her a thing or two about the game. Going to the beach is also great. Just remember that if you are with the right person, where you go on a date really does not matter, spending time getting to know each other is the important thing. Anyway y’all, until next week…

Dating Myths

2006-04-12T12:31:00.000-05:00

In the dating world of a single gal there are many things you hear about but really do not believe. Your couple friends always tell you about these things but seeds of doubt have already been planted in your brain. I am even starting to believe that a good first date is an urban legend. Oh alright, I am exaggerating a bit but is there really something called ‘love at first sight’ or does each person really have a ‘soul mate’? How does a single gal separate the truth from the myths?

A guy sees a girl across a room, the girl turns to look at him, their eyes lock and they fall instantly in love with each other. Dear readers, I present dating myth number one. Love at first sight. Is there even such a thing? How can two people just look at each other and know that they are in love? I think that ‘love at first sight’ is just really ‘lust at first sight’. That instant attraction two people feel is probably all about the physical attraction. The girls look at the guy and thinks, ‘Oh what nice eyes you have’ and the guy looks at the girl and thinks ‘Oh my, what nice ________ you have’ (fill in the blanks yourself). Anyway, I once believed in love at first sight but after many incidents of asking what was I thinking, I am no longer a believer.

I am sure that the following has happen to you as well: I was at a party a few years ago and I saw this gorgeous guy a few feet away. After staring at each other, falling in love across the room, he finally came over. ‘Hi, I’m Esther,’ I said, in my most seductive voice. A soon as the first word came out of his mouth the attraction was gone. I can’t really explain it, but it was just not the voice I was expecting and he really was an airhead!

Dating myth number two is the phenomenon of soul mates. Are we to believe that on this earth with a gazillion people that there is one person out there for each of us? Only one? So do we go roaming the world in search of ‘the one’ who we are destined to spend the rest of our lives and eternity with? Oh please. I am sure that that couples who are now madly in love with each other, want to slap some sense into me, to get me to believe that there is that one guy out there for me. Sorry, but at this moment, I just don’t.

However, there are some popular phrases that I do whole-heartedly believe in. The first is ‘Love is blind’. Yes, scientists have actually proven that being in love makes people ‘blind’ or unaware of the facts. Researchers have found that certain chemicals releases in the brain when a person in ‘in love’ makes them think and act like a crazy person! They also say that similar endorphins are released when ‘in love’ and when someone takes crack! Yes that crack! That explains a lot. Anyway the second one I believe is that ‘fools rush in’. More on that later. Until next week…..

Dazed & Confused

2006-04-04T15:09:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, something so mind boggling, so head turning, so perplexing, puzzling, baffling and so bewildering happens that you are just left dazed and confused. No it is not another government scandal, bank robbery or West Indies Cricket Team loss. It is the behavior of the opposite sex, the male Homo sapiens, these residents of Mars. Could we women ever understand the mind of the man and should we even try???

There is a huge misconception, which we have all subconsciously learned, and heard over and over again. Women are confusing, men are straightforward. Dear readers, I beg to differ! I have constantly heard men say that women are just so hard to understand, that we say one thing but really mean something else. Women are always being referred to as the complicated sex and men are called simple. Are they really that simple? Even so called ‘love experts’ get in on the action of perpetuating that untruth. One of these experts, called Doc Love, insists that ‘women have an innate understanding of men, but men do not understand women at all.’ Hey, we (women) are probably the smarter sex, but when it comes to dating, men demonstrate just as confusing behaviour as women, sometimes even more.

The first question all women want answered is, ‘Why do men never call when they say they will call?’ For the answer to this question, I consulted several of my male friends, did extensive research and dug deep into the male psyche to uncover the answer. Do you want to know what I found out? Different men have very, very different reasons why. And they say we women never agree!! Just kidding guys. Anyway, one guy informed me that he would tell a girl whom he is dating that he will call later, but will wait for a few days. Why? Is he not interested? Of course he is, but he just does not want to seem too eager or too needy by calling when he says he will call. He wants to seem a little unavailable and therefore more desirable. Huh? On the other hand, an online ‘dating guru’ decoded this similar behaviour in an entirely opposite way. This guru stated that the guy who is not calling when he says he will is just not interested in the woman in question. Okay, I’m still confused, and where are guys getting their dating advice!

Sometimes men say one thing, them do another. A woman recently told me that she was dating this guy; things were going great and the guy constantly made plans for the two of them. Then one day, he just vanished! He stopped calling, stopped texting, stopped email and never asked her out again. She saw him now and then but he never gave her an explanation. I again consulted my testosterone panel for the answer. One guy reported that he had done this once because he had another girlfriend, juggling two women was becoming too difficult, and he didn’t know any other way to break it off easily with the other girl. A ‘dating expert’ analyzed this behaviour as a way that immature guys let a woman know that he is just not interested or just not that into her. Yet another guy reported that he once disappeared from a girl’s life because he felt that he was not good enough for her and didn’t feel confident when he was around her. Huh? I am again confused.

I recently asked a guy a simple question. ‘What’s wrong?’ His answer, ‘Nothing’s wrong.’ It was obvious that something was but he probably expected me to be a mind reader or something. Hey, what’s going on here, have the tables turned? Women normally say nothing’s wrong when something’s wrong. Maybe guys are just like us after all! Okay, now I’m really confused!!!

W.W.I.T

2006-03-29T13:35:00.000-05:00

I was walking with a friend of mine around the J Q’s mall at Rodney Bay when she heard someone calling out her name. Let’s call this friend Diane. ‘Diane, Diane, gimme a dollar,’ the voice said again. She spun around to see a homeless looking young man with his arm stretched towards her. ‘Do I know you?’ She asked curiously. ‘Yes, it’s me Trevor. I went to school with you. You doh remember me,’ he answered. Diane looked extremely shocked and reached quickly into her wallet to give Trevor five dollars. ‘Who was that?’ I asked. ‘That was a major W. W. I. T. moment’. Huh? Ladies and gents, let me introduce you to this very important term which we have all used or will use in the very near future when it comes to our dating or love life. W.W.I.T. or ‘What Was I Thinking’.

Diane later explained to me that Trevor had been one of the cutest and most popular boys at her school who she had a huge crush on for years. He would never give her the time of day because all the girls just threw themselves at him. I am sure that we have all had these moments. We have been soooo in love with someone and a few years later you bump into them and can’t remember what you ever saw in them. A W.W.I.T moment at its best. I always wonder what the reasoning is behind this when it happens to me. Have I changed the type of guy I am attracted to, has the guy himself changed drastically over the years or have I just grown up? Research has shown that the type of guy a woman is attracted to changes as they get older until they finally settle on a particular type when they are in their late 20s to early 30s. (Not all women!) So I have been through my bad boy stage, the older man, the artist stage, the player type, the pretty boy….. Okay, I better stop talking.

Sometimes the W.W.I.T moments do not take years to happen. It can occur over night or within one hour. I remember a couple of years ago when I had this major crush on a guy. I thought about him day and night. (Hahahaha). Then one morning I woke up thinking what the hell was I thinking. Just like that, the crush and all of the ‘lovey dovey’ feelings about this guy were gone. No explanation. Maybe I had a nightmare about him or something. I dunno.

The moment also strikes some people when they are in the middle of a date. Yes! So imagine you are there on the date, talking away, getting to know the other person when you realize that you are just not interested. I remember, and have written about a first date disaster that happened to me. I expected one thing, and then this guy turned out to be ill-mannered, rude, don’t know how to use a knife and fork, not on time, uninteresting and a bad dresser. No, No, No, No, No. I even passed on a chocolate dessert to end the dinner date early! All I could think of was W.W.I.T.

So dear readers, take note that the person you are madly in love with now may just be the same one that you are saying W.W.I.T. about a few years, days, hours or even seconds from now!

The Law of Zafe Moun

2006-03-27T10:31:00.000-05:00

In life and in love, one fact always remains, one truth always stands, and one law is always upheld above all else. This is the no fail law of Zafè Moun (translation: other peoples’ business). It does not take a village to go on a date or to have a relationship, so why does it seem like all the residents are involved? It is because of the law of Zafè Moun.

Last weekend, I was out with the girlfriends and a date (yes, I actually had one) at a hotel in Rodney Bay Village for a little event. We were hanging around the bar area, talking, laughing and having a good ole time when I realized something happening. Three ladies, literally three steps away from me, were actively and passionately practicing the law of Zafè Moun. One girl then proceeded to elbow her friend and say, ‘Who is that man Esther Lee with there?’ Her friend then spun around and inspected me and my date, until she had gathered all of the information she needed. ‘I have no idea, who is that man?’ Girl number two responded. Oye!!! These girls were three steps away, yes three steps away and they were minding my business and talking about me like there was no tomorrow. I had no idea who they were and don’t remember ever meeting or seeing them. Now honestly, we all talk about other people (oh just admit it!) and alert our friends about recent happenings but hopefully we have the sense to do it when we are not right next to the subject in question. Maybe these ladies are readers of this column and couldn’t believe that this single girl actually had a date!

Now the law of Zafè Moun does not stop there at all. Some persons take it further and want to produce, direct and write the script for your dating life or relationship. We all know the story. A guy and a girl get together; they are going along their merry way, having a great time with each other when they encounter major interference. Family, friends, acquaintances and even strangers all want to play a part in the relationship. They observe what is happening, discuss it with the board and then hand out their recommendations. In other words, give you advice about your love life that you never ever asked them for. These people want to tell you want they think about your significant other, what they think about you and what you should be doing in your relationship. Now I am not saying that you should say nothing if a close friend of yours is in a very unhealthy or abusive relationship. By all means be a friend but just be sure that you are doing it for the right reasons.

The law of Zafè Moun goes even one step further. This is when strangers or mere acquaintances keep track of your relationship and of your significant other, and then make contact with you to let you know what they think or what they have heard. Sometime ago a friend of mine received a phone call from one such person. Let’s call my friend Diane. So Diane is sitting at home when her phone rings. The woman on the other end of the line just wanted to inform Diane that she had just seen her (Diane’s) boyfriend out with another woman. Diane said thank you, laughed and put down the receiver. ‘Who was that?’ Diane’s boyfriend asked her, as he was sitting on the couch next to her! This communication also comes in the form of emails, text messages and passed by friends of friends of friends.
Oh wait my cell phone just rang. It’s a very good acquaintance telling me that she heard that I was out with a guy last weekend and wanted to know who he was. WOW!! The law of Zafè Moun wins again!!

The Art of Flirting

2006-03-20T12:40:00.000-05:00

I saw him across the room, stared for two seconds, smiled and then looked away. In less than ten seconds, he was at my side introducing himself. This thing called flirting is such a tricky thing and raises many issues and questions in the dating world. How do you flirt? Who can you flirt with? Where do you do it? What is flirting anyway and how do you prevent someone from mistaking friendliness for love?

The dictionary describes a flirt as someone who coquets for amusement, usually a woman. Huh? Coquet? This is the attempt to attract admiration without serious affection. Scientists have found that the art of flirting is actually a basic instinct in human beings and an essential part of human interaction. According to research, like everything else to do with love and dating, flirting is all tied in to the need for Homo sapiens to reproduce and to prevent extinction of the human race. Whew! And I thought all I was doing was winking at the guy!

Now according to countless websites, dedicated to teaching us all how to do the art, there are two types of flirting. One: Flirting for fun and Two: Flirting with intent. The first one is something that we all do subconsciously usually at social gatherings or functions where flirting is not only allowed but it is expected. Think about it. Your friend’s grandpa approaches you at the family Christmas party. He winks at you and says that you are the sexiest woman he’s ever seen. What do you do? Wink back at him and tell him that he is the sexiest man you’ve ever seen. The two of you share a laugh, maybe dance a bit and then go on your merry separate ways. Then there is the flirting with the intent to attract a member of the opposite sex. (This sounds like a criminal charge or something) This is when we all bring out our charm, make sweet eyes and laugh at any stupid joke the subject in question makes. This is all in an attempt to show our interest and may be start something going.

This reminds me of a popular saying that ‘people sometimes mistake good manners for love.’ Now this is something that will occur frequently when one is engaging in the art of flirting. Someone may just mistake your ‘flirting for fun’ or politeness as ‘sweetness’ or interest in them. Research has shown that men are more likely to mistake friendly behaviour for flirting because they tend to see the world in more sexual terms than women. The researches also concluded that women are more socially skilled than men, so they are better at interpreting behaviour and responding accordingly. Hmmm…Something to think about!

It's a Size Thing

2006-03-15T14:11:00.000-05:00

St. Lucia is only 238 square miles. Yes, ONLY 238 square miles. You may be wondering why I am putting such an emphasis on that number. Well THAT number affects not only the real estate industry, the tourism industry, the size of the population, the economy blah, blah, blah but also this single girl’s dating life. What’s a gal to do when there are limited available men, limited places to go and let’s not forget running into your past at every corner? That means the probability of finding a date is low and the possibility of seeing your ex is high.

The first issue I have with the small size of my homeland is what I like to call the ‘Venn Diagram Factor’ (yes, I liked Mathematics at school). We all seem to be going around in circles. Dating circles that is. With the number of available men in the low numbers, sooner of later our circles will overlap with someone we know. For those not into Math, let me break it down for you. I am saying that my next date may be the ex-boyfriend of my friend’s cousin’s father’s brother’s sister’s friend or someone who you see out and about on a regular basis. Not a friend, but a sort of acquaintance. So if you like this guy, sooner or later someone will tell you that he was dating so and so girl that you know. That’s just great! If I start dating this guy, I may always have to deal with the dagger- throwing stares from his ex every time we go out. If she doesn’t see us out, I am certain that a friend of a friend of hers will take pleasure in informing her of the progress of the relationship. Yes I know that it is a free country and I am sure that I too have engaged in such behaviour but I just prefer not to deal with ex-girlfriend drama. In this small country, that is usually unavoidable.

Issue number two. In St. Lucia, you can never completely let go of your past relationships because they seem to run into you every time you turn the corner. My social life revolves around Rodney Bay Village, so I will more than likely bump into a guy that I used to like, used to date or am trying to avoid. I walk into the Blue Martini and there he is, I go for a drink with friends at Castaways and there he is playing pool or I stop to buy jerk chicken at 3 am and he is ordering the same thing next to me. Oye! This is such a predicament. Imagine flirting with a cute guy sitting next to you only to realize that an old dating partner is sitting two bar stools over on the left.

Someone asked me recently about how to deal with the fact that everywhere you go and everything you do will remind you of an ex because you have been there or done that with this person. Well, all I can say is that life goes on and time will heal the pain. This sounds like a country and western song but it is true. Just remember that this is what life is all about, and a few months from now (it may take longer for others) it will be easier to go out and enjoy yourself without any feelings of guilt or sadness.

I also seem to be experiencing déjà vu when I go out. It’s like I have done this already, seen these exact people at this exact place. Oh wait, I have! It was last weekend. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I love going to a place and knowing most of the people there but I would also love to meet some new people. Two days ago, a friend told me that I should try socializing in another part of the island and that I would have better luck meeting great guys if I changed my location once in a while. Until next week dear reader. Oh I won’t forget to send y’all a postcard from Vieux Fort!

Photo: Damien Evans

Types, Choices & Lovemaps

2006-03-10T14:46:00.000-05:00

Everybody at one time or another gets ask the question. ‘What type of guy/girl do you like?’ We all have our lists of requirements (some longer than others), our likes and dislikes, our deal-breakers and pet peeves. Some women like the strong silent type while others go for the loud talking bad boy. How do we choose whom we choose?

As with everything else to do with love, there are many studies promoting many, many theories. Now let’s talk about me. I usually go for the lean and tall guys (I am five feet nine and three quarter inches, without heels, so there!). I also like those who have a sense of humor, have lots of in use brain matter and heaps of ambition. Hey, that sort of sounds like a male version of me! Do we attract or fall in love with people who are mirror images of us? That is one theory of attraction. Some studies report that persons with similar core values, beliefs and personality traits usually attract each other and stay together longer. Others say that we fall for people that also have similar educational levels, intelligence, religious beliefs and financial status. It seems that we understand each other better if we have backgrounds that look the same. Now that’s only one theory.

There is a saying that opposites attract. Why are there so many movies based on the good catholic school girl falling for the motorcycle riding, leather wearing bad boy? Another study shows that we fall for someone who is apparently opposite to us. Now back to me. I am also attracted to guys who have different interests or hobbies than I and who are from another part of the world. I got a lot of heat for saying that some time ago. I am not saying that St. Lucian guys are not wonderful but I think that it is so much more interesting when you can share things that are foreign to the other person. It seems that opposites attract because we look for personality traits to complement or complete our own personality. So if a woman is soft spoken and shy, she may be attracted to an outspoken, social guy. That may also explain why beautiful, broke women and unattractive, wealthy guys seem to stick together like crazy glue.

I am sure we have all said or heard someone say, that so and so guy is being spoilt by his mother, and he will expect the same thing from his girlfriend or wife. That, dear readers, is sooo true. Even more researchers have reported that men and women look for partners with similar personality traits of their parent. If men have mothers who are strong-willed, these men will look for women with strong personalities. There is however a downside to this. In studies of abusive households, researches found that women with alcoholic abusive fathers are usually attracted to men who are also alcoholic and abusive. The way our parents behaved when we were growing up may also affect the way we deal with the opposite sex.

Now I must not end without telling you about this professor of medical psychology and pediatrics at John Hopkins University, John Money. During his research, he developed the term ‘lovemap’. This, he explains, is a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. This ‘lovemap’ shows what we like and dislike in the opposite sex in terms of physical appearance and personality traits. So according to Mr. Money, we look for mates who fit that map and that it is also developed during childhood. He theorizes that by the age of eight, we already have the idea of our ideal mate encoded into our love map. So that explains why I am still in love with Harrison Ford after seeing him all these years ago in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade! Until next time…

Playing Games

2006-03-02T13:17:00.000-05:00

Something dawned on me when I was out with the girls on the weekend. As Oprah would say, I had an ahah moment. As I looked around the club at men and women interacting I began to wonder about how many of them (or maybe I should say us) are being themselves or are they just playing a game and following some rulebook. Can we actually just be ourselves, go with our gut instinct and react naturally when it comes to the opposite sex? Or must we play the game and play it well in order to win the jackpot?

Now for us to play the games of the dating world well, there are many guidebooks out there willing to show us the way to the perfect relationship and how to decode the man or woman. Some of these include ‘How to Survive Dating’, ‘The Five Love Languages’, ‘He’s Just Not that into you’, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, ‘Date or Soul mate’, ‘50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships’, ‘Men are like Fish’, ‘Seven Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life’, ‘Stop Getting Dumped’, ‘Why Men Love B!$@hes’, and let’s not forget the guidebook of all love guidebooks; ‘The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right’, and of course, ‘Rules II: More Rules to Live and Love by’. Ok, ok enough already. And this is just a tip, no, a drop of the iceberg of relationship and dating books available. Then there are the websites. While doing research for this column, I searched the Internet to find out what advice the guys were getting, when it came to understanding women. Like the books, there was information on everything from ‘how to pass her tests’, ‘the moody clues and understanding PMS’ to ‘five ways to get inside her head’ and ‘the player: make your dates fall for you’. Oh my!

So is everybody just playing the games of love or are we truly falling in love? Imagine you are on this date and you have read one of the above mention books and he has gotten his own stash of advice columns at home. This means that you are not really enjoying the other person’s company, listening to what they have to say or being your true self. You are too busy trying to decode his behavior, wondering if he’s that into you by analyzing the way he moves his hands and thinking about what ‘The Rules’ said about first dates. Then you are both trying to remember the list of do’s and don’ts you got from your friends. After the date the guy is waiting four days to call you because this book said so, and you are not calling him because this other book insisted that he must call you first, and then you only answer when he calls the second time. Oye! I’m getting a headache!

Can you believe that there is even a guidebook that teaches you how to be yourself while dating? It’s called ‘Truth in Dating: Finding Love while Getting Real’. On a popular men’s site there are guides and advice on how to handle women according to what dating book she is reading! I must admit that I have, in the past, followed rules or played the game instead of going with my gut instinct. I can’t really say if it helped the dating situation or not. Now back to the club. I met this guy who told me that guys are afraid of women like me. “What type of woman am I?” I asked, ready to defend myself from whatever nonsense he was going to dish out. He responded, “Well just the type that understands guys a little too well. You can detect those who are playing games from a mile away.” Really? Hmmm. Maybe that’s why I am single, but I don’t think I understand guys at all. Maybe I should read ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’. I wonder what ‘The Rules: Time Tested Secrets to Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right’ has to say about this. Until next time…

Mr. Nice Guy

2006-02-27T14:22:00.000-05:00

There is a popular phrase, which says that the good guy always wins. In the action movies, that saying is always almost true. In the dating world however, good guys may find themselves at the bottom of the feeding chain when it comes to women. Yes, yes, I know that a lot of women say that they want the nice guy, but are we always telling the truth? Do we really want a guy to spoil us rotten, bring us candy and flowers every week, be caring, sweet, sensitive, always at our beck and call, and always available? Yes and no.

Now guys, I know that this answer may confuse you, and yes I know that women are already too complicated to understand, but that’s the most honest answer you will get. When I say yes, that I do want a nice guy who’s caring and spoils me, I mean that it’s great to be with someone who cares about you and surprises you with flowers or candy occasionally. When I say no, I mean that I do not want a guy who is toooo nice, sweet or as a friend of mine would say, saccharine. (dictionary meaning: of sickly sweetness). Yes believe it or not, a guy can be too nice, when he makes himself too available by calling you ten times a day. A guy once called me fourteen times in a row. I stopped answering after call number three. If he always buys you gifts or flowers, or does any of these thoughtful gestures too much, then the intended meaning is lost, and it all just becomes way too much.

Some women, like myself, want a guy who challenges them, who can hold his own in a disagreement, and not concur with every single thing we say. In other words, we do not want a doormat, a ‘pushover’ or a ‘yes man’. Now guys, I beg of you, this is not a license to become insensitive, uncaring, ill-mannered, argumentative jerks. This is just to advise you that too much of a good thing is not necessarily a great thing. This situation can be compared to delicious chocolate cake. If you eat a slice or two, you will enjoy it and definitely come back for more. On the other hand, if you eat the cake all at once, you may get physically sick and not want any more chocolate cake for a very long time.

A few years back, a guy who was interested in me constantly wrote love poems and even brought me a huge bunch of balloons. It was sweet but I had had enough of the overly gushy and romantic gestures. I do applaud him for putting all his feelings out there but it was just too much. A female friend reported that while at college, a guy who she really liked started laying it on thick. He would bring her chocolates every day, write love notes during class, call her constantly and even bought her jewelry. After two months of this behavior, she began avoiding him and then broke it off. Sad, but true. She remembers that she felt suffocated and just got tired of the guy, because he was always around.

Another form of the too nice guy is Mr. Sensitive. It is great when a guy can display compassion and show that certain things affect him. Many say that it takes a man to cry, but do women want someone who literally cries and bawls at the drop of a hat? A friend of a friend once dated a guy who just loved watching romantic movies. Sweet, you say. He cried all throughout the films!

Now guys please do not stop being nice, well-mannered gentlemen but take it easy with the sugar! As with everything else, overdoing the Mr. Nice Guy routine may backfire and have the opposite effect. I also sometimes wonder if these guys are for real or are just playing a role. Anyway, do let me know what you think.

The Checkout Counter

2006-02-20T12:44:00.000-05:00

There is one important, very very important question that every single gal asks constantly. Where do I sign up to meet the cute guys? (Or at least I do) We always want to know the best possible place to meet our next date. Guys do not even shake your heads at me, because I am pretty sure you wonder the same thing about women! So where are these ‘hook up sites’ located?

Surveys show that one of the most popular places to meet guys is at the supermarket. Yes you read right, the supermarket. That may explain my extra trips to JQ’s in Rodney Bay! On my recent excursions there, I have really noticed the high numbers of really ridiculously good-looking men shopping there. Now think about it, what better place can you meet a great guy, and find things out about his life, without even talking to him or asking the village gossip. One little peek into his shopping basket and you can find out everything you need to know. Don’t believe me? Then let me explain. I present, ladies and gentlemen, the analysis of the grocery cart. Let’s begin. Tampons. Check. Probably has a wife or girlfriend at home. No guy buys feminine stuff for his mother! Little juice boxes and mini anything. Check. Must be shopping for the kids. Steak, sausages, ham. Check. I’m pretty sure he is not vegetarian. Fruits, Vegetables, water. Check. He must be interested in healthy living. If he is spending a little extra time looking at the seasonings and spices, he probably knows how to cook his lady a good dinner. So the check out counter at the supermarket can really become the CHECK HIM OUT counter. Get it? Hahaha. Now please do not sue me if this backfires. This study is not a scientific one.

If you are not the type to ‘make sweet eyes’ in the household cleaning aisle, then you can always meet your dream guy on television for the whole world to see. Earlier this week, I caught an episode of the Bachelor on ABC. The premise of the show is this: One successful and handsome bachelor gets a chance to meet 25 available women, who will all be staying in the same house. He gets to know them better, goes out on group dates, and then gets to pick and choose who stays and who goes home. Lucky guy! He picks those he likes, says bye bye to those he has no chemistry with, until one girl is left standing. Supposedly, he proposes to her and they live happily ever after. Yeah, sure. Even though this shows a little of what goes on in the real world, where women and even men compete for the hearts of the most eligible, most of us would prefer not getting rejected in front of millions of television viewers. So, for some of us who are less adventurous and smarter (I think), there are many other places reported to be the site of successful ‘hook-ups’.

One of these is at church. You at least have an idea of what the person’s beliefs are and maybe, just maybe, you have the same moral values. Another great place is through friends especially other couples, because they seem to want everybody to have what they have. A significant other, long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, blah, blah, blah. I’m sure you get my point. Other places include social clubs and volunteer organizations. These create so many opportunities to meet up with potential dates. Surprisingly, many say that the bar or club is NOT a good place to meet. Why? Think about it. Doesn’t everyone look good at 2 am after you have had a few martinis? Anyway, that’s all for now folks. Got to go pick up an application for the Rotary Club! Until next week….

Dating 101

2006-02-15T14:25:00.000-05:00

The world of dating is tres confusing. There are many rule books and guides out there to help ease the pain, but they sometimes give very different advice, so that just makes matters worse. Let’s start from the beginning. What is dating anyway? The Oxford dictionary describes a date as ‘to make a social engagement with’. In layman terms, I like you, you like me, lets get together and see if we really like each other. (Sounds like a song from the TV show Barney, not that I watch it.) The comedian Jerry Seinfeld once described dating as a job interview that you may wind up naked at the end of. So true. Should we follow some form of dating rules or do we just go with the flow?

The first issue with dating is getting the first date. Say you meet this person at a club, you two have a great time dancing and flirting and you get his or her number. How long after that initial meeting should you wait to call? The answer to this question varies. Some women I asked say that the day after, in the evening time, is great. The guy doesn’t seem too desperate by calling early in the day but comes off as thoughtful and makes you know that he is very interested. Others expect some form of communication on the same night. A guy friend on the other hand said that if he really wants to date a girl he will wait a couple of days before calling, so that he does not seem desperate or overly eager. Other guys have reported that they would contact the girl that same night to show their interest and cement the initial connection. Now I’m more confused than ever. I guess that it really depends on the people involved and the situation. Personally I would prefer if a guy calls the day after, cause all I want to do, after I come from the club at three or four in the morning, is to go to sleep!

Question number two. Can you date more than one person at a time? Just like the first topic, this one receives a variety of answers. Some say absolutely not, others see nothing wrong with it. Remember that dating is just DATING. Dating someone means that you are spending time with them, sharing personal information and seeing whether they are the right person to be in a committed relationship with. (Or that’s what it supposed to be!) Although sometimes I prefer to reserve my time for only one, I see nothing wrong in dating multiple people at the same time. Just be honest about it! As one woman puts it, ‘If you do not have options, you do not have a choice.’ So feel free to fill up your calendar with suitable bachelors or bachelorettes until you both decide to date exclusively, i.e., only each other. An issue arising from this is whether one can book two dates in one night. I really think that one night should be reserved for one person. This of course, like everything else, is subject to debate. According to a guy friend of mine, ‘Think about it, why does a car have a spare tire?’ I will reserve my comments for a later date.

So now you have a first date. Where do you go, what do you do? First dates shouldn’t be overly extravagant or involve an activity that will prevent you from talking to the other person. Activities such as going to the cinema, seeing a play or going out in a group will take the attention away from each other and not give you enough time to really get to know the other person. Many say that a first date should informal, fun and interesting. No stress, no pressure. And just remember that what you do while dating all depends on the person and the situation, so sometimes we should really just stop analyzing love and go with the flow. Now I better get on with actually finding one, a date that is! Hahaha. Until next week…

Death to Valentines!!!

2006-02-07T13:12:00.000-05:00

It’s THAT time of year again when lovers, romantics and those obsessed with all things red, wake up everyday with a smile on their faces in anticipation of THE day. No it is not even their birthday or wedding day. It’s Valentine’s Day, February 14, the day everyone gets flowers and chocolates and special unmentionables from their sweethearts. Everyone except the single people!! Why must this day even exist? Can’t you couples buy flowers or chocolates and have that special dinner any ole time of the year?

Since I can’t wave my magic wand and make it all go away, I guess I will have to suffer through this year’s celebrations. Now, dear reader, please do not get me wrong. I love the fact that couples get a chance to show their appreciation for each other and that some businesses will be having a very good week, but that day is just a slap in the face of all the single people out there.

Even though some of us love being just one, Valentine’s Day is like a child waving his finger at you, taunting you and reminding you that YOU ARE ALL ALONE. Literally, everywhere you turn on every corner will have some sort of reference to THAT day. School children wearing their little paper cutout hearts pinned to their chests, every store window advertising some special or the other and let’s not forget the people who dress in red and white!! No, Non, Awa! Gimme a break people, do you have to dress in the red and white? I’ll be in black.

And then, there are the ads on the radio, television and newspapers advertising every kind of Valentine’s Day event. This year I have realized that the organizers of these parties and dinners are actually inviting the single people to join in on the fun. Now, think about it. Why would I, a single girl, want to come to a Valentine’s dinner and dance? Do I want to torture my weak heart by watching couples look at each other lovingly, dance closely and making out in all available corners, as I sit all by my lonesome listening to love songs? No, Non, AWA! Then, to add insult to injury, you have to pay more to attend if you are coming alone! I saw two events advertised on television where the entrance fee to the party is $20 for singles and $30 for couples (or $15 per person). So after I’m already feeling down about being alone on Valentine’s Day, I have to pay more than an attached person to enjoy myself and lift my spirits. Thanks a lot!

Wow, I must apologize if I sounded extremely angry or cynical or rude. I really could not help it. Just being honest. To all the couples, please enjoy that day and send each other lots of flowers, candy, perfumes and all things nice. But please forgive me if I look a little grumpy, snap at you or are dressed all in black on THAT day. Hmmm maybe next year I’ll be getting flowers or wearing red. Until next time…

Are Single Women the Enemy?

2006-02-06T13:28:00.000-05:00

There is a war waging here on earth, a war between two very different groups, a war that can affect lives and make grown men weep. I’m not taking about World War III, War of the Worlds or even the racial divide, although as much passion is given to it. Ladies and gents, the war I speak of is the one between single women and those not so single, married or otherwise. Sometimes I think that married and attached women want to return to the days when witches were burnt at the stake, but instead of witches, women with no men would be tortured and turned to ashes. “I heard so and so is alone. Let’s hunt her down and make her pay.’ This they would say, as all the villagers carry their torches and spears and prepare to spill blood. Are we single women the enemy?

Oh ok ok, my imagination has gone a little far this time but that’s how I feel sometimes. Show the evidence you say. I give you exhibit A. (I think I watched too many episodes of ‘Law & Order SVU’ during my time off). Anyway I have attended various functions or have had dinner at this couples’ only resort in the north of the island. If I am walking through the hotel alone or with my girlfriends, I instantly receive an extremely icy reception from the women who are with their men. They seem to pull their guys just a little closer to them as if to mark their territory and claim ownership. Maybe their husbands stare a little too long or a little too hard. I know its cliché but if looks could kill, I would be six feet under right now! Then on the other hand, if I am at this same hotel with a date or just a guy friend, these women seem to want to be my friend! They smile and allow their husbands to smile at me as well, and try to start up conversations.

Exhibit B your honor. I once work at this place that required me to travel to trade shows and conferences, and my boss was sometimes required to attend as well. So one time on this trip to the isle of reggae, the manager and I traveled together to attend this weeklong conference. Before I left, who should call me at work but the significant other of this boss in question. She wanted to get all the details of our trip because she was planning on surprising him there, yes people she was going to fly over during her partners business trip to ‘surprise’ him. Some of you may see absolutely nothing wrong with that, but you would have to know the individual in question to understand her motives. Well fly over there she did, to the sheer horror and embarrassment of her partner, who did not appreciate the gesture. He was convinced that I was the reason she had dropped everything, took time off work and flew many, many miles to see him. With regards to me she took the advice of keeping her enemies very close. Why she felt threatened I never knew, since I was not the least bit attracted to the guy, but I doubt she would believe me. If I had been married or attached, would she have done the same thing?

Maybe this war is all in my head but many other single gals have reported similar incidents. Even when my girlfriends and I go out to nightclubs in Rodney Bay, the same pulling the men a little closer and icy stares seem to happen. My sister though is now no longer on the list to be eliminated by the other side. Why? Well she and her boyfriend Damien, who make the cutest couple, are usually together when their go out. I dunno, maybe this war just my imagination. Until next time…
Let me know what you think, write to me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com

Single in 2006?

2006-02-06T12:38:00.000-05:00

This week I started making a mental list of my new year’s resolutions and goals for 2006. Become a better writer, expand my business, start some form of exercise, find a new man. Hold on now, did I just say find a new man? Oui, si, yes I did. Then I started to wonder, is that as important as my other goals? Will it make that much of a difference in my life? Will having someone to rub my feet and whisper sweet nothings in my ears actually make me a happier woman?

Studies have suggested that being one half of a couple actually prolongs someone’s life and make it more meaningful. Other studies also say the same thing about having dogs. If I really admit it, being single is not that bad at all. There are so many benefits to being just one. One of my married friends recently confessed that she missed her single days. She really is happy in her marriage but stressed that I should enjoy my time alone and that I had absolutely no one to answer to but myself. That is sooo true.

Another great benefit of this is being able to flirt with anybody you want and not have to deal with a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend after. And flirt I did in 2005! Going solo means that you are totally open to anyone interesting and the possibility of new romances. Whoopee!! You can also take the time to really find out what you want in life and in a partner. This year I realized that I do not want the younger guy, the way too old man, the recycled mate or the dude with really bad pick up lines. I am however open to guys from all races, cultures and nationalities if they are cute, interesting, smart and funny.

Having a man in the New Year would also mean that I would have to find the time and space in my life to fit him in. I really like doing lots of different things including producing and hosting a television show, working on my art, watching movies and so many other things which take up most of my weekends. The rest of that time is spent hanging with friends. So I just may end up penciling the guy into my schedule and that would never work.

During my research for this article I came across a study that was done on the health benefits of being single and was printed in an issue of Marie-Claire in November 2004. They found out that single people generally have the following traits:
1. You don’t get fat. Women generally gain five to eight pounds in the first two years of marriage. More if they are unhappy.
2. You look more in shape and fit. Singles are more likely to pay attention to how their bodies look. The increase in exercise lowers the risk of heart disease and diabetes. It also reduces symptoms of PMS!
3. You spend more time doing what matters. And less time on housework! Hahaha.
4. You sleep and think better.
5. You are less of a stress case
6. You have lower blood pressure and you’re happier.
Hey, people in a twosome, I didn’t say it, Marie-Claire did, so send them your hate mail. For those fabulous singles that agree, write to me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com. Until next year….

Should We Recycle?

2006-02-02T13:31:00.000-05:00

In the town known as “Singleton”, the residents sometimes face extremely difficult and mind-boggling questions. One at the top of all lists is ‘should we engage in the practice of recycling?’ Now to all those in the neighbouring village of “Couplesville”, when I speak of recycling, I am not referring to paper or plastics and being environment friendly, by reusing household waste. I am instead talking about the method of re-entering the dating world with someone who you have dated in the past. I am talking about reusing or recycling men or women, who you already have a colourful past with. When unable to get a new shoe, should we empty our closet to find an old one?

The answer to this question really lies in the past relationship and why it ended. Two people get together because they are attracted to each other or so we hope. When that relationship ends, there still may be some attraction remaining. After going their separate ways, growing and maturing, they may now be ready to date each other again. One has to remember, however, that the relationship ended for a reason. If the other person was a cheating liar or something far worse, a few months or years may not have changed them for the better. If the relationship ended because of unavoidable situation such as distance, then it can be a great experience to date each other again.

Another question in the recycling bin is ‘Should you date your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend’s friends?’ In a small country like St. Lucia, where the number of good available men and women is extremely limited, this question will come up sooner or later. I once dated a friend of guy I used to date. Well this guy was out of the country, I thought for good, so I agreed to go out on a date with his friend. Let’s call the first guy Sean, and his friend John. So I used to go out with Sean, he left the country and months after John asked me out. I was a bit hesitant at first, but John was persistent, so I finally gave in. A day after our third date, who should come flying back into the country, but Sean! John promptly called me and said that he could not see me again and he was terrified of what his friend Sean would say about us. Just imagine, the night before he was declaring that he would never run away if Sean came back! Well run he did.

Well Sean of course found out, this is St. Lucia after all where we have a side of gossip with our morning coffee, and was a bit upset with me. Oh dear readers, I was in a predicament. I had lost a date and possibly a friend. It all ended ok, I never dated John again, not because of Sean, but because I realized that he could talk a great talk but couldn’t walk a straight line to save his life! In situations like these we really have to take into consideration who the other person is, and weigh the pros and cons of the situation. I of course will empty my recycle bin to ensure that I never use it again! Until next week…

Let me know what you think. Email me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com

Pick-up Lines: The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

2006-01-30T15:48:00.000-05:00

As a single woman I really have a lot to deal with. Having no man at your side when you are out at a club or restaurant means that you are exposed! Exposed dear readers to the advances of less than desirable men. Some men seem to think that my being single is an open invitation for them to pounce and attack. I call it the attack of the lame, ridiculous and bad, bad pick-up lines. Trust me, I have heard them all.

One night at a club, I’m dancing and doing my thing, when this guy comes up to me and just begins to stare. He then makes his move and shouts into my ear, “I noticed you noticing me, and I’d like to notify you that I noticed you too.” HAHAHA. Yes he actually delivered that line with a straight face and felt mighty proud of himself. I of course did not take him seriously, laughed and continued dancing in another area of the dance floor. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Another guy a week later notified me that he had not taken his pills as yet but I worked just like Viagra, so he didn’t need them. Now that one just deserves a slap in the face. Wait, there’s more. A pleasant and older looking gentleman once approached me at a restaurant and said, “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a dirty mind like mine.” My response “Don’t worry. I just left.”

Now what’s the deal with guys just grabbing women on the dance floor or touching them when they walk by? To the guilty ones, you have no right. It doesn’t mean that a girl wants you just because you want her. And if she is single, she may want to be and you are not the answer to her prayers. That reminds me of a line delivered to one of my girlfriends. The guy actually said, “ Ok I’m here, what’s your next wish?” Give me a break. Can’t they come up with something more intelligent and more real to say? Someone even told my mother that she was so sweet that she was giving him a toothache. Oh please!

Now guys and some girls, you may be wondering about the right way to make someone know that you are interested or ‘pick them up’. Dating experts say that the best way is to just be you and be real. That means if the person is across the room, a simple smile will do. Ladies if you see a really hot guy a few feet away, give a little smile while looking into his eyes, turn away after a few seconds and touch your hair seductively. I’m not talking about flipping it over or anything, just move the few strands out of your eyes and pretend that you don’t know he is watching. Guys all you have to do when you get that signal is walk up to the girl; say hello my name is blah, blah, blah, what’s yours. That’s all it takes. I can’t promise you that you will find the girl of your dreams but I can assure you that she will definitely be more receptive to your advances.

Now I have to end this with one of my favourite pick-up lines. “ Baby you remind me of a parking ticket cause you have ‘fine’ written all over your face.” Until next week…

Let me know what you think. Email me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com

The Rules of Attraction

2006-01-30T15:40:00.000-05:00

I could not take my eyes off him. I was attending this pageant at the Cultural Center and turned around as I was exiting the building. There he was, a few steps behind me, the definition of male perfection, so handsome that I could not help but act like a man and look at him over and over again from head to toe. What makes us so attracted to other person? According to many scientists, it’s all chemical so it’s very right to say that you have good chemistry with a man or woman.

Ask women what type of man they find attractive and they usually say the tall, dark and handsome, and men would say a very beautiful woman with a great body. A study showed that certain physical characteristics in the opposite sex stimulate a part of the brain called the hypothalamus, which is then followed by sensations such as elevated heart rate, perspiration and a general feeling of attraction. I can attest to that! The study also showed that men have a preference for youth because it is linked to a woman’s reproductive capacity. Men tend to look for apparently healthier and more youthful women who are more likely to reproduce, take care of the children and continue the genes of the man. Hey, I didn’t say it, some scientist did! Women on the other hand are more likely to be attracted to an athletic and well-muscled man because in history he would be more likely to be a good hunter and provide for the family. He would also be able to provide physical protection for the woman. Today, some women still look for a man who can provide for a family, judging him on his financial status rather than his muscles.

Other studies suggest that facial symmetry in male and female features are related to attraction. The majority of people consider a more symmetrical face more attractive. If the two sides of the face were perfectly symmetrical that person would be considered extremely attractive. Please don’t try this study at home! Researchers at the University of St. Andrews Psychological Department in the United Kingdom created what they call the perfect man. No need to worry guys, this one is computer generated. This guy has large expressive eyes set in a smooth-skinned symmetrical face, with a rounded head and jaw line. The researchers admit that the final image looks slightly girlish but they say that this is what modern women want, caring feminine traits rather than macho ones. Sorry guys!
Tony Little, the principal research psychologist reported that strong masculine features are threatening and considered less attractive but women still want a combination of features involving masculine traits because they want the dominance as well. Ok then.

Back to that guy I saw at the Cultural Center, I never saw him again. Oh that’s too bad. That face was sooo symmetrical. What else do I find attractive in a man? Intelligence, sense of humour, great smile and a sexy butt! Until next time…
Let me know what you think. Email me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com

He's Just Not That Into Me

2006-01-30T15:34:00.000-05:00

One night, at my favourite spot in Rodney Bay, I was hanging out with my girlfriends, when we met up with a group of guys. Some of them I knew and one in particular I really wanted to know. We had met before at various functions, and he is just good-looking, intelligent and sweet. So anyway back to the night in question. He and I ended up dancing the night away and he asked me for my number at the end. Now, I hardly ever give out my number, but this guy was cute and a great dancer. (If you are reading this, please do not get a swell head cause I’m not finished yet!)

So a week passed and no call from this guy. My friends and I had a ‘round table’ discussion about the situation and concluded that he was just very busy or very shy. Two weeks later and still no call, my friends and I are at our favourite nighttime spot again, when who walks in but Mr. No phone-call, with a date!! Dear readers, I know that this guys’ dating life is absolutely none of my business, and I wasn’t even sure I was interested in him, but it still hurts the ego.

When we finally get a chance to chat, he makes up some sorry excuse about being very busy. Hey wait a minute, is this guy taking a cue from my book, because that’s the excuse I use. During our second ‘round table’ discussion about Mr. No phone-call, one of my friends recalled an episode of ‘Sex and the City’ when Miranda keeps waiting for a guy to call and he never does. One of her guy friends lets her in on a little secret. He’s just not that into you. So is that my problem, this guy is just not that into me. Talk about a further blow to the ego.

In a book entitled what else but ‘He’s just not that into you: The no-excuses truth to understanding guys’ two former ‘Sex and The City’ staffers, Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo wrote about this situation. In the book, the first chapter was written just for me. The title is ‘ He’s just not that into you if he’s not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.’ The book also explains other excuses that guys make including the one that I got. If a guy says that he’s too busy to call then he’s just not that into you. Think about it ladies, with all the new technology around, it’s impossible for a guy not to call you if he’s interested. The thing about guys is that they try to avoid any confrontation with a woman and will avoid telling the truth about their feelings.

Like all other women, my friends and I sit around and try to analyse the behaviour of men and ask our female friends for advice. This I have learnt is the wrong thing to do. We should instead ask a man, because they know guys best. Well this guy still hasn’t called and I have had to accept the fact that he would have called, no matter how busy he was, if he really was interested in dating me. Because when a man is interested, he pursues you and comes after you. Now the funny thing about this situation is that I still not sure whether I was ever interested but it just hurts the ego when you realize that he’s just not that into you!

Let me know what you think. Email me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com

First Date Disasters

2006-01-30T15:30:00.000-05:00

Some first dates are horrible from the moment they start. The minute he arrived for our first date, I knew that it would be a disaster. For the purpose of sparing his feelings, lets call him Arthur. Arthur asked me out on a first date to dinner at a great restaurant in Rodney Bay. He picked me up at home thirty minutes late and gave me some poor, poor excuse. I was so excited about the date that I forgave him.

Then we arrived at the restaurant, he got out of the car and for the first time I got a good look at what he was wearing. I, as usual, had worn one of my little black dresses with my fabulous red heels. He, on the other hand, had worn a beat up pair of jeans, dirty sneakers and a washed out, multicoloured t-shirt. Now I knew for a fact that this guy had better, much better clothes, because I had seen him at work in his European shirts and beautiful ties. So what was his problem now? Maybe he just didn’t know how to dress appropriately. Hey I felt sorry for the guy but that is one of my pet peeves. Guys who do not know how to dress.

The disaster did not end there. After we sat down in the restaurant, he snapped his finger at the waiter! Yes, he snapped his finger! Some of you dear readers may see absolutely nothing wrong with this, but I think that that’s just rude. Then the food came and he could not use a knife and fork. Guys, if you do not know how to use cutlery in the correct manner, teach yourself or ask someone to show you how.

Did I mention that he also wolfed down his food, like he had not eaten in days? This may sound like I am making a mountain out of a molehill or dust particle, but you needed to be there to understand. It was just so embarrassing and disappointing. I had expected someone refined and well mannered. Arthur also had no intelligent or interesting conversation and he tried to be sexy, but he was just not doing it for me. He ended up looking ridiculous.

I of course tried to be polite and counted down the seconds until the date ended. Five, four, three... The waiter asked if we wanted dessert and I of course declined. Two, one… Ah, it was finally over! As we headed to my house, Arthur asked me about ten times when he could see me again, and very time I came up with a brilliant excuse. To sit through this a second time would be TOURTURE. Well that was the end. I never went out with him again.

Maybe I could have been more tolerable and given him a second chance, but I really believe that the first date is also a sign of things to come. So people do we forgive first date disasters and give the person a second chance, or do we just walk away?

One day I’ll tell you about the time I got stood up and waited for forty five minutes at Razmataz for my date. His excuse? He fell asleep! Until next time…
What do you think? Email me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com

Jungle Fever

2006-01-30T15:16:00.000-05:00

I once fell in love with a blond blue-eyed boy from Sweden. I loved the fact that my brown Caribbean skin looked great against his ivory European body. The term jungle fever is used to describe the sexual attraction of a black person to a non-black person, usually of the Caucasian race. For centuries men and women have been falling in love with people outside of their own race. Cleopatra fell in love with Julius Cesar in 46 BC, Iman fell in love with David Bowie in the 1970s and now the supermodel Heidi Klum has fallen for the singer Seal.

What is it about the blond blue-eyed boys from Sweden that I like so much? I love the fact that they are different. The fact that I can cook him bakes and salt fish and he can teach me how to ski. The differences in our culture meant that we had so much more to talk about and countless things to teach each other. And truly after a few weeks the skin colour disappears and the person’s great personality remains.

Even though it is the year 2005, many persons still object to such unions and believe that the mixing of races is wrong, immoral or even evil. While doing research for this column, I came across so many websites and articles dedicated to the topic of interracial dating. Many were in favour of the practice, and websites such as ‘saltandpeppersingles.com and blackandwhitesingles.com provided a forum where ‘an ivory male seeking his ebony princess’ and a cocoa mama looking for her white chocolate big daddy’ could meet. On the other hand, I also stumbled across the Ku Klux Klan website which forbade the mixing of races for dating or marriage. They believe that the white race is superior and will be destroyed by those who date black people. I really cannot repeat some of the extremely ignorant and baseless information I found on this site.

Even in our lovely St. Lucia, where there are many black and white couples, some discrimination still occurs. When I go out with my white guy friends, people automatically assume that we are dating, and some St. Lucian guys take issue with that. Now before you guys start throwing daggers and spears, I am not saying this about all St. Lucian guys, just a very few. For more on this I spoke to what I call an expert on interracial dating, my own sister, whose ex-boyfriend is from Luxembourg and her current is from Australia. She said that even though the colour of their skin is a non-issue to family and friends, and that many of their friends are dating or even married to someone outside of their race, some strangers seem to object to their union. Other black women dating white men have been called traitors to their race. People why can’t we all just get along? As Sir Paul Mc Cartney and Stevie Wonder said in their song Ebony and Ivory, ‘Ebony and Ivory, live together in perfect harmony, side by side …’

Now think about it, if your rule is to date only people of your own race, imagine how many great, interesting and good-looking men and women of other races that you will never get the chance to know. I have had the privilege of having white, black, Hispanic, Chinese, Arab and yes, Swedish friends, and I realize that skin colour is just that, a colour, a descriptive word, nothing more. When you get to really know people, we are all basically alike, some good and some bad. So my caramel ladies, don’t ever pass up the opportunity to sample some white chocolate, and my brown skin men, take some time to add some milk to your coffee! And I’ll let you know how the ski slopes of Sweden look!!
Until next week…
Let me know what you think. Email me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com

The Older Man

2006-01-30T14:45:00.000-05:00

I have always had a thing for older men. It all started when I was ten, and saw Denzel Washington on the television screen and then Harrison Ford in ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade’. Oh I was so in love! For centuries women have been attracted to older men and vice versa, and there are many theories to explain this condition. The father of sexual psychology, Dr. Sigmund Freud, developed one theory called the ‘Electra Complex’. He described it as a condition, which is experienced by young girls during their developmental stages, that causes them to form a strong attraction to their father. Ok…, enough of that theory!

Now I have dated older men but they were still young, in their early thirties. I always wondered what it would be like to go ‘older’; I’m taking about twice my age or older. I’m sure that I will have little trouble getting candidates to volunteer for that task, as many older men admit to a preference for younger women. They say that it makes them feel rejuvenated, more energetic, more desirable and attractive. Some women admit to dating older guys because of the many benefits that it brings them. Benefits such as a fatter wallet! I on the other hand, would be interested in just dating someone mature, self-assured and interesting. Can you imagine the stories a fifty year old could tell? Oh my, I really hope my father isn’t reading this!

I actually know of a 21 year-old woman dating a 56 year-old guy. She admits that she has to deal with being called a ‘gold-digger’, rude stares from strangers and nasty comments from older women. Someone even mistook her for a prostitute once! Now that’s hard. She does however admit to enjoying the benefits of the relationship with an older and very financially stable guy, constantly receiving expensive gifts including a vehicle. Even though I do wonder what dating an older guy would be like, I have my reservations about going that old! The relationship may become more parent-child than man-woman. I would also be at a totally different stage of life than the man. When I’m ready to go out and party, he wants to go to bed. Or when I’m ready to have children, he is welcoming his fifth grandchild. And then I must question why he is interested in someone so much younger. An older man I know admitted that he has more control in a relationship with a younger woman, and that she allows him to make all the decisions. Well, that could never work for me.

Anyway, I guess my search for the perfect man continues. Even though I have ruled out the much older man, I will always be willing to date my first crushes, Denzel or Harrison. Until next week…

Let me know what you think. Email me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com

The Younger Man

2006-01-30T14:34:00.000-05:00

There is a new syndrome infecting the dating world. It’s called the ‘Demi Moore-Ashton Kutcher’ syndrome. This can be described as an older woman dating a much younger man, sometimes ten or even twenty years her junior. This growing practice is also called ‘May-December’. Now I know that I am only twenty-four, and would not be considered an old woman, but to a nineteen or twenty year old man, I would be described as the older woman.

As you found out last week, I am not meeting any suitable men to date in my age bracket, so I started to wonder about those below my bracket. Maybe I was ignoring a huge segment of the dating population, and just maybe my dream guy was a twenty year old. I decided to do an unofficial survey on the Demi-Ashton syndrome, and ask women whether they would be willing to date a younger guy. A woman in her forties told me that without a doubt she would date, and has dated younger men, and would even choose them before ones her own age. She added that she preferred to be a babysitter instead of a nurse. I can’t argue with that point. Another woman in her fifties said that she always dates younger, because those guys have the same interests as her and enjoy life. She went on to say that older men never want to do active things, and that the younger ones are better in bed. Hey she said it, I didn’t.

I wondered how common this practice was, and decided to do a search on the internet. Thousands of websites were listed, including Dateolderwomen.com. This site had many eighteen year olds looking for grandmas to love, and older women looking for junior! To each his own. So if this Demi-Ashton syndrome was so popular, would it be a choice for me?

So on Saturday night my girlfriends and I went to The Blue Martini in Rodney Bay, and to my delight the place was filled with nineteen and twenty year old men. Ah, perfect time to see if I should consider this age group even though my girlfriends call it cradle robbing. As we were enjoying our blue martinis, one of the young men approached our table and leaned in to whisper in my ear. ‘Can I tell you something?’ He said seductively.
He then started to sing the song that was playing. ‘You’re beautiful. I just want you to know that you’re my favourite girl.’ Was this guy serious? Apparently he was, as he continued singing, sounding more like Macy Gray than Usher. He then proceeded to deliver some of the worst pick-up line I have ever heard. I will not insult your intelligence, dear reader, by repeating them.

When we had exhausted all of our tolerance resources, we started to yawn and made a beeline towards the exit. I don’t know whether this guy was immature because of his age, or that was just the way he was regardless of age. Nevertheless, I am now cured of my Demi-Ashton syndrome and I will not be dating junior anytime soon. I will however make the rare exception for Prince William or Harry! Until next week….
Let me know what you think. Email me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com

Am I Too Picky?

2006-01-30T13:53:00.000-05:00

My two best friends insist that I am not too picky about the men I date. They say that I’m just choosy and have high standards. Now after a dateless existence for months, I think that I am indeed too picky. It’s not like I haven’t been asked out or anything. It’s just that I always find ways to get out of it. The more popular excuse is that I’m busy but in my defense it usually is true. Try balancing a television show, a job as a writer at a newspaper and other projects in development and then tell me if you’re not busy! Oh I forgot my very busy social calendar even though I’m dateless.

So why am I so picky? Is it too much to ask for an interesting, good-looking, intelligent, funny, ambitious, financially stable, versatile guy who has a great smile and dresses like he just stepped out of GQ Magazine? Oh all right I guess it is. The thing is that I approach my love life the way I do everything else. I truly believe that nothing is out of my reach and I must dream big in order to achieve it. Someone once told me that it’s rare to find the person that you have been dreaming of getting. Maybe my list is way too narrow and I need to start thinking outside of the box when it comes to guys. So does that mean I will not be dating Freddie Ljunberg of Arsenal any time soon?

Even though some of us do not admit it, we all have our dream guy or girl and try to get as close to that as possible. Guys, Halle Berry is out of your reach and girls, Orlando Bloom is taken, but is it so wrong to look for that ideal person. I’m sure that my high standards have cost me some interesting dates and experiences but as my mother always says, ‘Life is short’. So I really don’t want to waste any night on someone that I really don’t want to spend time with. I really prefer to stay home and watch reruns of Sex and the City or play with my puppy Coco.

Two weeks ago I used my busy excuse on a guy who has been asking me to go out on a date with him. His response was that if I really wanted to, I would make the time to see him. Hmmm smart guy, but just not for me. The guy’s good-looking, smart, funny but something just didn’t click. I asked my friends whether I should give him a chance and they both said hell no. Is that this single girl’s problem? Not giving guys who do not fit my perfect bill a chance? Or should I just keep hope alive that one day soon a great, good-looking, funning, smart, well-dressed guy or Freddie Ljunberg will just walk into my life? Or maybe I should just stop taking dating advice from my girlfriends!

Let me know what you think. Email me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com