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Esther Lee's Love Chronicles

These are my personal tales of love, life and sex. Love Chronicles is now an award winning column. It captured the Gold (1st) prize for Creative Journalism in the National Arts Awards 2006 in St. Lucia!

June 27, 2007

Dutch Treat

The things we women have to deal with when dating was a hot topic recently when one of my girlfriends called me at midnight recently. I was already on my third dream about George Clooney when my cell phone rang. I got up immediately because I knew only a crisis had happened to make her call at this hour on a weekday! Let’s call this friend Susan.

I answered the phone and before I could say hello, Susan started. ‘Esther, he made me pay for half of the bill!!’ Let me explain this situation. This guy had asked Susan out on a first date and told her that he wanted to treat her to dinner. So they went to a lovely Rodney Bay Village establishment and had a fantastic meal. They chatted, laughed, flirted and stared longingly into each other’s eyes. And then the bill came.

‘Esther, he got the bill and was just staring at the thing for the longest while! So I made a joke about it and asked him whether he need help with that. Do you know what he said?’ she screamed into the phone. ‘Yes! He said yes!’ she continued. So Susan ended up paying half the bill even though she had only an appetizer for dinner and the guy had ordered the whole menu! Now before guys start throwing knives at me and say that there is nothing wrong with a woman paying, let me state my case.

It is of course ok for a woman to pay for dinner but when it comes to a first date, the accepted rule is that whoever asks, pays for the date. So if the guy asks the girl out, he pays, if she invites him out she pays. Simple! When the relationship is further along, then the couple can share the responsibility of paying for the dates. If you cannot afford to take a girl to let’s say Ku De Ta, then take her to KFC! There is no going dutch on a first date.

Anyhoo, we were very curious as to where this ‘going dutch’ or splitting the bill phrase came from so we googled it. On the online encyclopedia Wikipedia, this is the explanation we found ‘The phrase "going Dutch" probably originates from Dutch etiquette. In the Netherlands, it is not unusual to pay separately when dating. English rivalry with The Netherlands especially during the period of the Anglo-Dutch Wars gave rise to several phrases including Dutch that promote certain negative stereotypes. Examples include Dutch courage, Dutch uncle and Dutch wife. The particular stereotype associated with this usage is the idea of Dutch people as ungenerous and selfish.’
Research has found that most marriages end because of financial issues. Money causes so many problems and many questions arise in relationships. I was recently having a very lively discussion with some colleagues about men giving their girlfriends money. One, who was a guy was completely opposed to it and the girl thought that there was nothing wrong with it, she expected the guy that she was dating to hand over the cash. My take on this is that I really do not want a guy handing me cash. If you want to get me a lovely gift, then that’s fine. The relationship would feel too much like parent-child and not man-woman if I took cash from a guy. Anyhoo until next time

June 18, 2007

Are Men Becoming Women

There seems to be a strange phenomenon occurring within the male population or at least the men that I am in contact with. They suddenly seem to be evolving into women. Not, ofcourse, in the physical sense but in their manner and way of acting. This phenomenon is now affecting my love life as well. Are the men becoming more like women or are we becoming more like men?

First of all, men seem to be more emotional than ever. Maybe it’s an increase in the hormones put in the fried chicken or something. I dunno but it is just becoming way too much. I know that women always say that they want a man who is sensitive, who can talk about their feelings, blah, blah, blah but sometimes we really do not want too much of that. I love a man being sensitive and romantic and all but when it gets to the point of getting a love letter everyday, then it just needs to stop. I have had enough of the sensitive men! Please, let’s return to the rough, tough, manly man who hates chick flicks.

Second, I though only women got PMS. Nope, I was very wrong. Some of my male friends seem to be displaying symptoms of PMS every month around a certain time. They are very on edge, get irritated by anything and will bite your head off if you crack a joke. What is going on? Women having PMS is more than enough, we really do not need men acting up like that as well. I pointed this out to a male friend of mine recently and he gave me a ‘I will strangle you’ look. I should have been more sensitive though because it just happened to be his time of the month!

This annoying phenomenon is now affecting my love life. The roles have somehow been reversed and the men are now acting like the female in the relationship. Now if you think that I am just imagining things, I need to point out that other women have reported very similar occurrences. The men are the ones being all lovey dovey and calling us ten times a day. I really should not be complaining about this because I have experienced the other end of the spectrum when the guy might call every three days and it aint pretty. There just needs to be a balance.

Even the way some men communicate have changed. A male friend of mine looked upset one day and I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing and gave me a look that said everything was wrong. Isn’t that the typical female answer?

Maybe the men seem to be becoming more like women because we women have evolved to be more like men. We are taking charge of our love lives like never before and are making decisions that are good for us. Maybe it is for the best that we are starting to behave like each other. This may just bring about better understanding between the sexes. We may even start living on the same planet! Anyhoo, until next time…

The Ex Factor

When it comes to a relationship, there is one certain fact; it more than likely will come to an end. Ofcourse there are the very unusual couples who spend fifty plus years together but for the majority it is bye-bye. What happens when breakups occur? Do we remain friends with that person or go out separate ways? Do we rekindle the relationship lower down the road and do we keep jumping into each others beds. When it comes to our exes, whatever do we do with them?

What happens after a relationship is over all depends on what happened in the relationship and how the breakup occurred. If it is amicable and both parties agree that it is time to go their separate ways, then maybe some sort of connection can be salvaged. On the other hand, if the end was bitter and painful, the best thing might be to avoid each other until things have calmed down considerably.

I saw a guy recently who I had dated in the past. He no longer lives on the island and came back to visit. After we had ended our relationship, we were both bitter and I refused to talk to him for a long while after. This time around, things were completely different. We had grown up, matured and learnt a few lessons about love and heart break. We were friends again and no longer had these early bitter feelings. It is said that time and distance are great healers so I guess it worked for us.

When breakups occur, there are several options or routes that the couple can take. Your ex can become your friend, if you two still want to maintain some sort of civil relationship but as I pointed out before, it all depends on how things ended. If you cheated or set fire to his car, I suggest you wait one year or maybe ten before trying to have a friendship again.

Another option is the practice of recycling. This is the method of reentering the dating world with someone who you have dated in the past. So our exes then become our not so exes anymore. We get together again and rekindle the old flame. I would say be very careful with this one. The reason the relationship ended may still be present. If the person is a cheating liar, a few months or years may have not changed then for the better. On the other hand if you two are now in a better place to be with each other than you were before, then why not. Go for it!

Some ex couples keep on jumping in and out of each others beds. Hey, I’m not saying that this is wrong but just know what you are getting out of it. A situation like this is a recipe for additional heartbreak.

Ofcourse you can always say ‘adios hombre’ and never speak to each other again. That would be unfortunate but it that it what works for you then leave that person in your past and move on.

June 04, 2007

Reality vs Fantasy

If you write about love and sex every week, many people start to believe that you are an expert of sorts, a love doctor, a relationship fixer or an advice giver. One of my girlfriends came to me recently to ask me about her love life. She wanted to find out, how someone knows when they are truly in love. How do you separate reality from fantasy, love from lust and infatuation? Do you ever really know if love is true?

This girlfriend of mine had met this guy out and she instantly felt connected to him. They started going out, talking on the phone three times a day and seem to be madly in love with each other. She wanted me to advise her on the relationship and tell her if this love that she felt was reality. I must admit that even though I write about love, I am no expert. Love and relationships are some of the most confusing things I know. I believe that you can never be one hundred percent certain about love. Some may disagree with me but just take a look at the rate of divorce all over the world, the constant relationship breakups.

Love to me means taking a leap of faith, going somewhere with someone even though you have no idea what is ahead. Love is all about following your heart and opening up your life to someone else. I asked a 27 year old male colleague of mine who has been married for almost two years, how he knew that his wife was the one. He said that he knew he loved her and had to marry her when he realized that he loved everything about her, her smell, her smile, her laugh, her face, her personality. He smiled whenever he heard her name and thought about her constantly. He put her needs over his own and wanted to be with her forever. Wow! That’s some heavy stuff.

Now back to my girlfriend. I told her that she had to find out on her own. She needed to listen to her gut and follow her heart. Life is all about taking chances and if your heart gets broken, then that’s life. We pick up the pieces and then move on.

In my love life, I am facing a bit of a predicament. I like someone alot but we have certain challenges. First the distance and then I have to find out whether what I feel is real. I am in the same predicament as my girlfriend and I should really be taking my own advice. Take a giant leap and see what happens. What’s life like if we do not open up our hearts and let love in? Absolutely boring! Makeups and breakups are sometimes painful but ultimately they make life much more interesting and enjoyable.

So how do you know if your love life or relationship is reality or absolute fantasy, true love or infatuation? I think that sometimes you just know, you feel it. Hey, sometimes you may get it wrong but what’s the worst that can happen. The relationship ends and you move on. Hopefully you learn something from the relationship that will ultimately help you out in the next. I asked another girlfriend of mine about love, how she knows when it is real. Her response? She does irrational things, behaves in ways that she does not usually and just is completely free with the person that she is in love with.

June 01, 2007

What's In a Title

A girlfriend of mine and I were discussing relationships recently and we were wondering how a couple knows when it is time to give a certain title to a relationship. So let’s say you are dating this guy for three, four months. Is it ok to assume that he can be called your boyfriend and you his girlfriend? Do titles have to be discussed by a couple before they are used publicly? Or is it just a natural progression after you have been together for a certain time?

A few years ago I was working at this company where the manager’s girlfriend was also an employee. If anyone introduced the two of them as boyfriend and girlfriend, she would swiftly and loudly correct them. ‘He is my partner,’ she would say with a sneer on her face and extra emphasis on the r. What exactly is a partner? Is that a step up from boyfriend and how do you graduate to being a partner? Many gay couples use partner as a title because they are not allowed to get married in many countries. Maybe this was her way of saying that they were almost married.

Dating is already a confusing activity and it can be made even more difficult when terms of the relationship are not made clear. Experts agree that when starting a relationship, it should be discussed whether it is just a casual date, a fling or if you are looking for a serious relationship. I don’t know if I completely agree with that. Imagine being on a first date and asking a guy, ‘so what exactly do you want out of this relationship because if you are just looking for a fling, then I am not your girl. I want to settle down and I am looking for a life partner.’ Slow down there. Even if the guy was looking for something serious, I think that he would hit the road running after that!

My advice is to give it some time and see what develops before putting a definite title on the bond. I am not saying to go out with someone for two years and not know where you stand, but I would avoid the first date inquisition.

Some love experts say that in the beginning if both persons are dating other people at the same time, then the dating is just casual. As soon as the couple agrees to be exclusive and date only each other, then titles should be given to avoid any confusion. This would be the appropriate time to call each other boyfriend and girlfriend. Maybe the partner thing comes after a few years. I dunno. A male colleague told me that most guys want to avoid commitment and would rather not put a label on any relationship. I beg to differ but hey, I’m not a guy so I really do not know how they think.

Some couples are very fussy when it comes to titles. Get it wrong and hell will follow. Like the woman I mentioned above, she would stay angry with you for days after if you made the mistake of calling her partner her boyfriend. I think we should all relax already and enjoy our relationships. Anyhoo until next time…

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