W.W.I.T

I was walking with a friend of mine around the J Q’s mall at Rodney Bay when she heard someone calling out her name. Let’s call this friend Diane. ‘Diane, Diane, gimme a dollar,’ the voice said again. She spun around to see a homeless looking young man with his arm stretched towards her. ‘Do I know you?’ She asked curiously. ‘Yes, it’s me Trevor. I went to school with you. You doh remember me,’ he answered. Diane looked extremely shocked and reached quickly into her wallet to give Trevor five dollars. ‘Who was that?’ I asked. ‘That was a major W. W. I. T. moment’. Huh? Ladies and gents, let me introduce you to this very important term which we have all used or will use in the very near future when it comes to our dating or love life. W.W.I.T. or ‘What Was I Thinking’.

Diane later explained to me that Trevor had been one of the cutest and most popular boys at her school who she had a huge crush on for years. He would never give her the time of day because all the girls just threw themselves at him. I am sure that we have all had these moments. We have been soooo in love with someone and a few years later you bump into them and can’t remember what you ever saw in them. A W.W.I.T moment at its best. I always wonder what the reasoning is behind this when it happens to me. Have I changed the type of guy I am attracted to, has the guy himself changed drastically over the years or have I just grown up? Research has shown that the type of guy a woman is attracted to changes as they get older until they finally settle on a particular type when they are in their late 20s to early 30s. (Not all women!) So I have been through my bad boy stage, the older man, the artist stage, the player type, the pretty boy….. Okay, I better stop talking.

Sometimes the W.W.I.T moments do not take years to happen. It can occur over night or within one hour. I remember a couple of years ago when I had this major crush on a guy. I thought about him day and night. (Hahahaha). Then one morning I woke up thinking what the hell was I thinking. Just like that, the crush and all of the ‘lovey dovey’ feelings about this guy were gone. No explanation. Maybe I had a nightmare about him or something. I dunno.

The moment also strikes some people when they are in the middle of a date. Yes! So imagine you are there on the date, talking away, getting to know the other person when you realize that you are just not interested. I remember, and have written about a first date disaster that happened to me. I expected one thing, and then this guy turned out to be ill-mannered, rude, don’t know how to use a knife and fork, not on time, uninteresting and a bad dresser. No, No, No, No, No. I even passed on a chocolate dessert to end the dinner date early! All I could think of was W.W.I.T.

So dear readers, take note that the person you are madly in love with now may just be the same one that you are saying W.W.I.T. about a few years, days, hours or even seconds from now!

The Law of Zafe Moun

In life and in love, one fact always remains, one truth always stands, and one law is always upheld above all else. This is the no fail law of Zafè Moun (translation: other peoples’ business). It does not take a village to go on a date or to have a relationship, so why does it seem like all the residents are involved? It is because of the law of Zafè Moun.

Last weekend, I was out with the girlfriends and a date (yes, I actually had one) at a hotel in Rodney Bay Village for a little event. We were hanging around the bar area, talking, laughing and having a good ole time when I realized something happening. Three ladies, literally three steps away from me, were actively and passionately practicing the law of Zafè Moun. One girl then proceeded to elbow her friend and say, ‘Who is that man Esther Lee with there?’ Her friend then spun around and inspected me and my date, until she had gathered all of the information she needed. ‘I have no idea, who is that man?’ Girl number two responded. Oye!!! These girls were three steps away, yes three steps away and they were minding my business and talking about me like there was no tomorrow. I had no idea who they were and don’t remember ever meeting or seeing them. Now honestly, we all talk about other people (oh just admit it!) and alert our friends about recent happenings but hopefully we have the sense to do it when we are not right next to the subject in question. Maybe these ladies are readers of this column and couldn’t believe that this single girl actually had a date!

Now the law of Zafè Moun does not stop there at all. Some persons take it further and want to produce, direct and write the script for your dating life or relationship. We all know the story. A guy and a girl get together; they are going along their merry way, having a great time with each other when they encounter major interference. Family, friends, acquaintances and even strangers all want to play a part in the relationship. They observe what is happening, discuss it with the board and then hand out their recommendations. In other words, give you advice about your love life that you never ever asked them for. These people want to tell you want they think about your significant other, what they think about you and what you should be doing in your relationship. Now I am not saying that you should say nothing if a close friend of yours is in a very unhealthy or abusive relationship. By all means be a friend but just be sure that you are doing it for the right reasons.

The law of Zafè Moun goes even one step further. This is when strangers or mere acquaintances keep track of your relationship and of your significant other, and then make contact with you to let you know what they think or what they have heard. Sometime ago a friend of mine received a phone call from one such person. Let’s call my friend Diane. So Diane is sitting at home when her phone rings. The woman on the other end of the line just wanted to inform Diane that she had just seen her (Diane’s) boyfriend out with another woman. Diane said thank you, laughed and put down the receiver. ‘Who was that?’ Diane’s boyfriend asked her, as he was sitting on the couch next to her! This communication also comes in the form of emails, text messages and passed by friends of friends of friends.
Oh wait my cell phone just rang. It’s a very good acquaintance telling me that she heard that I was out with a guy last weekend and wanted to know who he was. WOW!! The law of Zafè Moun wins again!!

The Art of Flirting

I saw him across the room, stared for two seconds, smiled and then looked away. In less than ten seconds, he was at my side introducing himself. This thing called flirting is such a tricky thing and raises many issues and questions in the dating world. How do you flirt? Who can you flirt with? Where do you do it? What is flirting anyway and how do you prevent someone from mistaking friendliness for love?

The dictionary describes a flirt as someone who coquets for amusement, usually a woman. Huh? Coquet? This is the attempt to attract admiration without serious affection. Scientists have found that the art of flirting is actually a basic instinct in human beings and an essential part of human interaction. According to research, like everything else to do with love and dating, flirting is all tied in to the need for Homo sapiens to reproduce and to prevent extinction of the human race. Whew! And I thought all I was doing was winking at the guy!

Now according to countless websites, dedicated to teaching us all how to do the art, there are two types of flirting. One: Flirting for fun and Two: Flirting with intent. The first one is something that we all do subconsciously usually at social gatherings or functions where flirting is not only allowed but it is expected. Think about it. Your friend’s grandpa approaches you at the family Christmas party. He winks at you and says that you are the sexiest woman he’s ever seen. What do you do? Wink back at him and tell him that he is the sexiest man you’ve ever seen. The two of you share a laugh, maybe dance a bit and then go on your merry separate ways. Then there is the flirting with the intent to attract a member of the opposite sex. (This sounds like a criminal charge or something) This is when we all bring out our charm, make sweet eyes and laugh at any stupid joke the subject in question makes. This is all in an attempt to show our interest and may be start something going.

This reminds me of a popular saying that ‘people sometimes mistake good manners for love.’ Now this is something that will occur frequently when one is engaging in the art of flirting. Someone may just mistake your ‘flirting for fun’ or politeness as ‘sweetness’ or interest in them. Research has shown that men are more likely to mistake friendly behaviour for flirting because they tend to see the world in more sexual terms than women. The researches also concluded that women are more socially skilled than men, so they are better at interpreting behaviour and responding accordingly. Hmmm…Something to think about!

It's a Size Thing

St. Lucia is only 238 square miles. Yes, ONLY 238 square miles. You may be wondering why I am putting such an emphasis on that number. Well THAT number affects not only the real estate industry, the tourism industry, the size of the population, the economy blah, blah, blah but also this single girl’s dating life. What’s a gal to do when there are limited available men, limited places to go and let’s not forget running into your past at every corner? That means the probability of finding a date is low and the possibility of seeing your ex is high.

The first issue I have with the small size of my homeland is what I like to call the ‘Venn Diagram Factor’ (yes, I liked Mathematics at school). We all seem to be going around in circles. Dating circles that is. With the number of available men in the low numbers, sooner of later our circles will overlap with someone we know. For those not into Math, let me break it down for you. I am saying that my next date may be the ex-boyfriend of my friend’s cousin’s father’s brother’s sister’s friend or someone who you see out and about on a regular basis. Not a friend, but a sort of acquaintance. So if you like this guy, sooner or later someone will tell you that he was dating so and so girl that you know. That’s just great! If I start dating this guy, I may always have to deal with the dagger- throwing stares from his ex every time we go out. If she doesn’t see us out, I am certain that a friend of a friend of hers will take pleasure in informing her of the progress of the relationship. Yes I know that it is a free country and I am sure that I too have engaged in such behaviour but I just prefer not to deal with ex-girlfriend drama. In this small country, that is usually unavoidable.

Issue number two. In St. Lucia, you can never completely let go of your past relationships because they seem to run into you every time you turn the corner. My social life revolves around Rodney Bay Village, so I will more than likely bump into a guy that I used to like, used to date or am trying to avoid. I walk into the Blue Martini and there he is, I go for a drink with friends at Castaways and there he is playing pool or I stop to buy jerk chicken at 3 am and he is ordering the same thing next to me. Oye! This is such a predicament. Imagine flirting with a cute guy sitting next to you only to realize that an old dating partner is sitting two bar stools over on the left.

Someone asked me recently about how to deal with the fact that everywhere you go and everything you do will remind you of an ex because you have been there or done that with this person. Well, all I can say is that life goes on and time will heal the pain. This sounds like a country and western song but it is true. Just remember that this is what life is all about, and a few months from now (it may take longer for others) it will be easier to go out and enjoy yourself without any feelings of guilt or sadness.

I also seem to be experiencing déjà vu when I go out. It’s like I have done this already, seen these exact people at this exact place. Oh wait, I have! It was last weekend. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I love going to a place and knowing most of the people there but I would also love to meet some new people. Two days ago, a friend told me that I should try socializing in another part of the island and that I would have better luck meeting great guys if I changed my location once in a while. Until next week dear reader. Oh I won’t forget to send y’all a postcard from Vieux Fort!

Photo: Damien Evans

Types, Choices & Lovemaps

Everybody at one time or another gets ask the question. ‘What type of guy/girl do you like?’ We all have our lists of requirements (some longer than others), our likes and dislikes, our deal-breakers and pet peeves. Some women like the strong silent type while others go for the loud talking bad boy. How do we choose whom we choose?

As with everything else to do with love, there are many studies promoting many, many theories. Now let’s talk about me. I usually go for the lean and tall guys (I am five feet nine and three quarter inches, without heels, so there!). I also like those who have a sense of humor, have lots of in use brain matter and heaps of ambition. Hey, that sort of sounds like a male version of me! Do we attract or fall in love with people who are mirror images of us? That is one theory of attraction. Some studies report that persons with similar core values, beliefs and personality traits usually attract each other and stay together longer. Others say that we fall for people that also have similar educational levels, intelligence, religious beliefs and financial status. It seems that we understand each other better if we have backgrounds that look the same. Now that’s only one theory.

There is a saying that opposites attract. Why are there so many movies based on the good catholic school girl falling for the motorcycle riding, leather wearing bad boy? Another study shows that we fall for someone who is apparently opposite to us. Now back to me. I am also attracted to guys who have different interests or hobbies than I and who are from another part of the world. I got a lot of heat for saying that some time ago. I am not saying that St. Lucian guys are not wonderful but I think that it is so much more interesting when you can share things that are foreign to the other person. It seems that opposites attract because we look for personality traits to complement or complete our own personality. So if a woman is soft spoken and shy, she may be attracted to an outspoken, social guy. That may also explain why beautiful, broke women and unattractive, wealthy guys seem to stick together like crazy glue.

I am sure we have all said or heard someone say, that so and so guy is being spoilt by his mother, and he will expect the same thing from his girlfriend or wife. That, dear readers, is sooo true. Even more researchers have reported that men and women look for partners with similar personality traits of their parent. If men have mothers who are strong-willed, these men will look for women with strong personalities. There is however a downside to this. In studies of abusive households, researches found that women with alcoholic abusive fathers are usually attracted to men who are also alcoholic and abusive. The way our parents behaved when we were growing up may also affect the way we deal with the opposite sex.

Now I must not end without telling you about this professor of medical psychology and pediatrics at John Hopkins University, John Money. During his research, he developed the term ‘lovemap’. This, he explains, is a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. This ‘lovemap’ shows what we like and dislike in the opposite sex in terms of physical appearance and personality traits. So according to Mr. Money, we look for mates who fit that map and that it is also developed during childhood. He theorizes that by the age of eight, we already have the idea of our ideal mate encoded into our love map. So that explains why I am still in love with Harrison Ford after seeing him all these years ago in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade! Until next time…

Playing Games

Something dawned on me when I was out with the girls on the weekend. As Oprah would say, I had an ahah moment. As I looked around the club at men and women interacting I began to wonder about how many of them (or maybe I should say us) are being themselves or are they just playing a game and following some rulebook. Can we actually just be ourselves, go with our gut instinct and react naturally when it comes to the opposite sex? Or must we play the game and play it well in order to win the jackpot?

Now for us to play the games of the dating world well, there are many guidebooks out there willing to show us the way to the perfect relationship and how to decode the man or woman. Some of these include ‘How to Survive Dating’, ‘The Five Love Languages’, ‘He’s Just Not that into you’, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, ‘Date or Soul mate’, ‘50 Secrets of Blissful Relationships’, ‘Men are like Fish’, ‘Seven Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life’, ‘Stop Getting Dumped’, ‘Why Men Love B!$@hes’, and let’s not forget the guidebook of all love guidebooks; ‘The Rules: Time Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right’, and of course, ‘Rules II: More Rules to Live and Love by’. Ok, ok enough already. And this is just a tip, no, a drop of the iceberg of relationship and dating books available. Then there are the websites. While doing research for this column, I searched the Internet to find out what advice the guys were getting, when it came to understanding women. Like the books, there was information on everything from ‘how to pass her tests’, ‘the moody clues and understanding PMS’ to ‘five ways to get inside her head’ and ‘the player: make your dates fall for you’. Oh my!

So is everybody just playing the games of love or are we truly falling in love? Imagine you are on this date and you have read one of the above mention books and he has gotten his own stash of advice columns at home. This means that you are not really enjoying the other person’s company, listening to what they have to say or being your true self. You are too busy trying to decode his behavior, wondering if he’s that into you by analyzing the way he moves his hands and thinking about what ‘The Rules’ said about first dates. Then you are both trying to remember the list of do’s and don’ts you got from your friends. After the date the guy is waiting four days to call you because this book said so, and you are not calling him because this other book insisted that he must call you first, and then you only answer when he calls the second time. Oye! I’m getting a headache!

Can you believe that there is even a guidebook that teaches you how to be yourself while dating? It’s called ‘Truth in Dating: Finding Love while Getting Real’. On a popular men’s site there are guides and advice on how to handle women according to what dating book she is reading! I must admit that I have, in the past, followed rules or played the game instead of going with my gut instinct. I can’t really say if it helped the dating situation or not. Now back to the club. I met this guy who told me that guys are afraid of women like me. “What type of woman am I?” I asked, ready to defend myself from whatever nonsense he was going to dish out. He responded, “Well just the type that understands guys a little too well. You can detect those who are playing games from a mile away.” Really? Hmmm. Maybe that’s why I am single, but I don’t think I understand guys at all. Maybe I should read ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’. I wonder what ‘The Rules: Time Tested Secrets to Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right’ has to say about this. Until next time…