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Esther Lee's Love Chronicles

These are my personal tales of love, life and sex. Love Chronicles is now an award winning column. It captured the Gold (1st) prize for Creative Journalism in the National Arts Awards 2006 in St. Lucia!

March 30, 2007

A Thin Line Between Love & Madness

We all have to admit that when it comes to love we can go a little nuts sometimes, especially when we’re trying to get someone to fall in love with us or to stay with us. Scientists have proven that chemicals released in our brain during the first stages of love actually cause us to suffer from symptoms of craziness. But how do we know when we have gone too far in our quest to capture the one? Or how much is too much when we are trying to impress our date?

As usual, I can pull out examples from my treasure chest of experiences. Many years ago, a guy wanted to let me know how he felt about me. We were both in this stage production together and it was a rehearsal day. The guy enters the building with a huge, and I mean huge bunch of balloons tied together with ribbons streaming down his hands. “For you, Esther,” he says dramatically as he hands them over. I smiled as best I could and accepted the balloons. For some reason, I really do not remember what happened after that. Did I leave them behind? Did I take them home? Did I trash them? That remains a mystery. Maybe I mentally blocked out the whole incident. Some of you may be thinking how sweet that guy was but at that time I just thought it was creepy. The whole balloon thing was just a bit much. I wasn't even going out with the guy or anything but he wanted to declare his love.

In my favorite book of all times, Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s Love in the Time of Cholera, one of the main characters falls and remains in love with a woman for about sixty years, even though she is with someone else. Everything he does in his life is for her and he never gives up hope that the two of them will end up living happily ever after. Now, is that a little crazy or what? How does it end? Go read the book!

How far can we go when trying to impress someone we are interested in? If you start thinking that your actions are a little crazy, then maybe they are. When you start stalking someone, calling them twelve times in a row (yes, a guy has done that to me!) or trying to harm the competition (as astronaut Lisa Nowark did a couple of months ago), then Houston, we have a problem.

The thing is that in our minds, what we are doing is completely normal. So how do we draw the line between showing our love and acting like a crazy person? If the person at the receiving end of your affections starts to stay as far away from you as possible, asks you to leave them the hell alone, pepper spray you or get a restraining order, then you have definitely crossed the line.

As the saying goes, every dog has his bone. So someone’s actions that may seem crazy to one person may be seen at as sweet by the next. A very good acquaintance of mine had a crush on a guy with a spider tattoo on his arm. She figured that he must really have an obsession with spiders so she invited him to her house one night for dinner. My dear friend had decorated her house with fake spiders and webs and even put on a T-shirt with a web on it. Result? The guy was out of there faster than you could say Spiderman. Now this girl is the sweetest person you will ever meet, and was simply trying to impress a guy she thought loved spiders. The guy just thought she was plum crazy!

This girl’s case is mild compared to some other situations I have heard about. So guys and gals, in an attempt to impress the ones we are attracted to, let’s not go overboard in the first two weeks. Save the craziness for later when we already have them in our spiderweb!

March 22, 2007

Tit for Tat



The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, is supposed to be the definition for honesty but when it comes to love and sex, the whole truth never applies. During the process of scouting for partners, dating and relationships, is honesty really the best policy? And are games between the sexes really necessary for love to blossom? With guys playing games and girls following the all-important rules, are we ever just being ourselves in the dating world?

For decades, well probably centuries, men and women have been taught how they should and should not act when being courted. Today there are countless books and how-to guides to find a mate. If we have to read a book to learn how to fall in love and meet Mr or Mrs Right, are we being honest with each other or just playing some role well laid out in a love manual. In the late nineties, a book called The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider was all the rage with copies flying off shelves, as women wanted to get the facts for dealing with and catching guys.

Let me share some of these rules with you. The writers recommend “showing up to parties and social events even if you do not feel like it because you may not meet Mr Right naturally, so therefore you must take social action immediately even if you don’t want to.” Another rule, “If you are in a long distance relationship, he must visit you at least three times before you visit him and you must remember that these are like three dates, so you must not sleep with him or have him stay over at your place.

The women also recommend “closing the deal because Rules women do not date men for more than two years, if it has been more than a year and he has not proposed, then start seeing less of him and think about dating others.” Some other popular ones include “Don’t call him and rarely return his phone calls, Always end phone calls first, Don’t accept a Saturday night date after Wednesday, Stop dating him if he doesn’t buy you a romantic gift for your birthday or Valentines day, Don’t see him more than once or twice a week and No more than casual kissing on the first date.”

Now guys are coming up with their set of rules to counteract the Rule Book. Oye! So are we all just playing each other, giving tit for tat and never being honest? I was having drinks with a few friends last night and a guy in the group was convinced that no one was ever completely honest during the first stages of dating. I disagreed with him at first but then realized that he was actually right.

We all want to show our good sides when we first meet someone and present ourselves in the best way possible. At this time, we all lie by omission, hiding all of our negative traits and bad habits. As the relationship progress, little white lies are always used. For example guys, your girlfriend asks you, “Honey, do I look fat in this?” Your answer, even though she has put on twenty or thirty extra pounds must always be “No honey, of course not. You look perfect!”

I really do not approve all of this game playing nonsense but while doing research for this column, I have found out that some of them do actually work! I guess it is all about psychology and understanding human behaviour. And no, I will not share what methods or rules I used!

March 05, 2007

Dedicated To All The Single Gals

I really just can’t wrap my head around this. What do married women, especially those with children, have against us single gals? There seems to be this unwritten, unspoken rule that pits the single against the not so single. I have realized that women who are attached or married treat you differently depending on your status. If you are free and single, there is a certain attitude and behaviour some of them display. It’s like dogs lifting their legs to mark their territory. Instead of doing their deed on tires or posts, these taken women hold on tight to their partners whenever single girls are around. On the other hand, if you are with a guy, they welcome you with open arms. I have been trying to understand this phenomenon and have come up with several theories for this behaviour.

A few weekends ago, I was at this event with my girlfriends. The crowd was mainly made up of married people with their kids. So we arrive and say hello, some people coming up to us to introduce themselves. One particular guy came over; we shook his hand and said hi. Out of nowhere, a woman comes running up to pull him away and gives us the evil eye. Yes, this woman was his wife. Now, why is she giving us attitude? He came up to introduce himself. Anyway, I’m rambling on but I believe that there are reasons for this.

The first theory I have come up with is that these women feel somewhat threatened. Here we are young, single, disengaged and usually having a great time. There they are married, running after little kids while keeping their other eye on the husband who may not be behaving as he should. Hello!!! Even though your partner has a wondering eye that does not mean that any single girl would be interested in him. As I have said before, if you have a problem with your man, talk to him instead of making a fool of yourself, and behaving in a hostile manner towards other women! Oh, I’m in trouble now.

My second theory is that these married women miss their single life and wish that they could recover some lost time when their life was truly theirs. Maybe they are looking at us single gals and thinking, ‘Oh if only, I could be like them for one day. To be free and single and just have fun with my friends.’ So, I could be misinterpreting their behaviour thinking that they have something against me when truly they just want to be single again. Well, it’s only my theory.

The stark difference in behaviour depending on your status has been confirmed by many single girls I know. Recently one of friends reported how one particular woman’s treatment of her had changed since she said adios to her boyfriend. While in the relationship, this woman always wanted to be her friend and spend time as couples. As soon as she was single, she became the enemy.

I wonder if this happens in the guys’ world as well. Anyway, I hope I haven’t made too many enemies now. Some married women may think that I have insulted them or something and may begin to dislike me. Oh wait, they do already!

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