Does Single Equal Lonely?

Last night I was watching a Chris Rock Special on HBO. The comedian was as usual in all his glory talking about the all-important issue. Relationships. Rock plainly stated that there are only two options or routes when it comes to relationships. You can either be married and miserable, or single and lonely. He went on to say that when you are married, you always want to kill the other person but when you are single you always want to kill yourself. Is that really true? Does single really equal lonely?

As a single gal with a few dates scattered here and there, that thought always crosses my mind. Especially when your friends are all in couples. You go to dinner, they are in a couple, you are alone; you go to a club, they are dancing away with their special someone and you are trying to get away from some annoying guy who does not understand the meaning of ‘no I do not want to dance with you, ever!’ Let’s not even talk about special occasions like Valentine’s Day or some formal occasion where a date is as important and required as that perfect little black dress.

I must admit that it can get lonely sometimes. I repeat, only sometimes. It is of course great to be in a relationship with a cool guy but it is also great to be single as well. Sometimes. Like everything else, being single has its good and bad sides. It can be a lot of fun to be single especially in your twenties where the world is your oyster and you are free to do whatsoever you want to do. There is no guy to answer to. No explaining to do as to where you were with whom or what time you will be home.

As a single person, you can choose to do anything you want with your time especially on the weekends. If you choose to go to the club until four in the morning, wake up at 2pm the next day, then spend all day in bed eating chocolate ice cream and watching the Food Network, then so be it. It’s all up to you. The important thing to remember is that you must have a life, one that you enjoy.

And let’s not forget the all-important benefit to being single. You can date whomever you please. No jealous boyfriend to deal with. In that way you get to meet a lot of great and some not so great guys. Trust me, I know. You get to weed out the qualities that you love in guys and those that you would prefer to avoid. Oh and let me not forget girls, that if you are single, you have no worrying to do about where your man is with whom doing what until what time. Okay.

Now I am not saying that being single is any better than being in a great relationship. They both have pros and cons. I must admit that the last dates I went on were pretty incredible but I am still very much single and not at all lonely! So there! Until next week…

Compromise

A relationship is the union of two very different worlds, so there will always be differences in opinions, beliefs, views and lifestyles. Many love experts say that a healthy relationship is all about compromise but how much of ourselves should we be willing to give up in order to make a relationship work? Does commitment equal compromise?

When dating, most people usually look for a partner who has similar interests, values and lifestyles as they do but this does not guarantee that the couple will agree on everything. The guy may be perfect for you but you may have extremely different views on certain issues.

A friend of mine used to date this guy who she thought was absolutely perfect for her. Later on into the relationship he admitted that he did not approve of women wearing makeup and making a fuss over their appearance. Now let me just explain that this friend of mine was a fashion and beauty addict, so telling her that wearing makeup was wrong was a no no. She of course was taken aback by this revelation and asked the guy whether they could agree to disagree. He stood steadfast and stuck to his beliefs and she to hers, so in the end the two went their separate ways.

Should she have compromised and wear less or no makeup and change her wardrobe to suit the guy? I would say no because if it starts with the makeup and wardrobe who knows where it will end up? In five years he may strongly suggest that she stop working and remain barefoot and pregnant cooking his food in his kitchen. That is just my opinion and some may see it differently. If you are willing to give that up to make the relationship work then I say good luck to you.

So if everything else in a relationship is perfect but there is just one thing that that the couple disagrees on, should they compromise and work it out or should they call it quits? I think that it really depends on what that one thing is. If compromising means that you will not be true to yourself and that you are giving up part of your identity, then I say call it quits and find another guy or gal who will accept you for what you are, differences and all.

Some relationship gurus say that if we give up too much of ourselves in a relationship just to please the other person, then we may end up resenting that person down the line. I really do not think that it makes sense to be with someone who will not allow you to be yourself. We have to allow room in our relationships for each other’s beliefs and opinions and not try to control the person that you are with by pushing your point of view down their throats.

Just remember that communication is the key in a relationship and that sometimes compromising is good. Guys, if the woman wants you to help out by taking out the trash, then just do it! And women if the guy wants you to stop yelling at him for every little thing, then just stop yelling. But if someone wants you to totally change who you are to suit themselves, then say adios. Until next week…

Match.com

So my dear dear readers, get ready to crack open the bottle of champagne, release the fireworks and celebrate. There may be hope for this single gal after all. In last week’s column titled “The Setup”, I told you folks about my sister and her boyfriend setting me up with this guy. We had our first get together over the weekend with my sis and her boy looking on for their entertainment. I was really hoping that the date would go well and I would not have to write about ‘The Setup Disaster’. Alas my people, a disaster it was not!!!

So I’ll start from the very beginning. So I went out with my sister and boyfriend and planned on meeting this guy at one of my favorite hangouts, Castaways, in Rodney Bay Village. So I arrived before him, waited for a few minutes and then he entered the building. After taking him all in before even saying a word to each other, I knew that we would be fast friends. This may sound extremely shallow but the boy has mucho mucho style and definitely knows how to put an outfit together. He has this Euro-surfer boy thing going which I absolutely adore.

So enough about the clothes, we ate and chatted and laughed and after the first thirty minutes, I realized that this guy was the male me!!! Can you believe it? If I was born a man, I think that I would be him. We are into the same things, and have many similar interests. Ding, Ding, Ding. In other words we clicked perfectly.

So my sister may have a future in match making with her first effort being so successful. I must thank her for setting me up but now she is really taking this a bit too far. The girl has already begun calling in the favours. She has asked me to redecorate her room, do this and do that. She did do me a huge favour and this was the best date I have had in a looong time so I may have to oblige.

Anyway back to the date. It was so great that we decided to meet up again the next night. The second was even better than the first. If you were wondering why we had not met before this, it is because he is not from St. Lucia. He recently moved here from a neighboring Caribbean island. Isn’t regional unity a great thing?

So my dear readers, this single girl just may have a lot more to write about in the upcoming weeks. We have only had three dates, so I am just taking it slow and will see where it leads. So far so good but in the dating world, things may change in a nano second.

Anyway, this weekend, he is joining me for lunch at my father’s house. My dad’s cool so it should go well. I just hope that I will not be writing a third installment of ‘Meet the Parents’ movies where Ben Stiller meets his fiancé’s father, played by Robert Dinero and everything you can possibly think of goes wrong. I’m keeping my fingers crossed. Until next week…

The Setup

As a single gal, there are many risks you take when trying to find a date. I have gone out with guys I know who are not my type and rarely does it work out. Then there is the risk of all risks. The one that may cause rifts in friendships and family ties. The one that might break hearts and make grown men weep. This is the setup.

What exactly is a setup you may ask? This is where someone you know thinks that they have the perfect guy or gal for you and arrange for you two to meet on a date or get to know each other thing. If the person who arranges the setup knows you well, then the results may be fantastic but if they do not, you may be stuck with some guy you really do not want. And that could be disastrous!

So my dear readers, my sister and her boyfriend are getting tired of seeing me dateless. I think that they are just tired of me being the third wheel when I go out with them but they would deny it. Anyway, the sweet sweet couple is now feeling so sorry for me that they are trying to set me up with a gentleman. They have identified the guy, made sure that I would approve, and then went ahead and spoke to him. They both know him and think that he would be perfect for me.

I have met this guy and he is cute, interesting and woks in the same industry as I do so we do have some things in common. My sister and her boyfriend know him much better than I so I am hoping that they have chosen wisely. They are so excited about this whole setup thing and will even accompany me for the first meeting. I am now starting to wonder whether they really want to set me up with a great guy or they are just looking for some excitement and entertainment to amuse themselves. Will we be their puppets that they manipulate? Dance puppet, dance! Oh boy!

So I am hoping that this setup will actually work out but what do I do if it doesn’t? What if I know from the first minute that this guy is just a no no? What if the initial meeting goes horribly wrong? This is different from a normal date. If you meet a guy on your own and it doesn’t work out you only have to explain to him. But when it comes to a setup you have to explain your reasons why to the person or in my case persons who organized the whole thing.

Then, if you do not want to see the guy again, do you tell him or tell the setup organizers first? And would they carry the message? OYE!!! This is sooo confusing. I am trusting that my sister, who has known me for the past 25 years (all my life), would know which guy is right for me. Well I am trusting, hoping and praying that she does! If she does not, then we have some issues to deal with.

I must of course remember that this setup could be great for me. It could work out perfectly and then my sis and her boyfriend can pat themselves on the back. Hopefully next week, my article title will not be ‘The Disaster’.

The Handyman

What do women really want? For decades, we have fought for the right to vote, the right to equal pay and opportunity and the right to be treated just like a man. When it comes to love, the terms are a little different. Do we really want to be all equal in a relationship? Do we want to do everything that a man does like pick up the check and open the door? Do we want a guy that will let us? Or do we want a man’s man who will be there to save the day and be our knight in shining amour?

I was recently watching a segment on NBC’s ‘The Today Show’, which said that women today want a handyman; they want a man who will be their rescuer and fix things. So even though we have fought for the right to be equal when it comes to everything else, when it comes to love we still want the man to play the usual male role.

A few years ago, I really liked this guy. We hung out a lot and them I really got to know him. The traits that had attracted me in the beginning slowly began to irritate me. This guy was sensitive, loved to listen and really took care of himself. I’m talking about him paying very special attention to his wardrobe, hair and getting regular manicures. Soon I realized that I was becoming the ‘man’ in the relationship. This guy had more feminine traits that I did. I think he would avoid doing anything that would mess his nails up. My sister suggested that maybe he was still in the closet and didn’t realize that he was gay but I doubt it. It was during that time that I realized that I really do want a handyman. I love a guy who is sweet, likes to listen and cares about how he looks but he should also be able to change a tire, paint a wall or defend me in a fight. In other words I like a man’s man.

In recent years there has been a great shift in men’s behaviour and the term metrosexual has been used to describe guys who are really into fashion, beauty, skincare and taking care of themselves but who are not gay. These guys spend extra money and time on looking their absolute best. This changes the dynamics of a relationship as the guy is now showing some very obvious feminine traits and he is now the one having a spa day. I really do not see anything wrong with that. The problem arises when this guy is taking more time to get ready than I am or has more beauty and skin care products. In other words, the buck stops here. I don’t want to be worried that I will be the one who has to change the tire in my heels and dress.

This makes me wonder, if I had to pick between a man’s man who is very handy, very masculine but not very cultured or a metrosexual who doesn’t know a hammer from a screw, who would I choose? Wow that tough, the handyman may not be able to eat with a knife and fork but he can paint your house. And the metrosexual will happily go shopping with you but do not count on him when the sink’s clogged. So who do I choose? Hmmm. Well. Ok if there was a gun to my head and I was forced to choose, I would probably choose the metrosexual. I know many of you would disagree but I love to shop and as a beauty product junkie, I could discuss the latest ones with him. And I could always hire a plumber.

Too Boring To Mention

Well, well, well, it has come to this. I cannot believe that I am now at this point. My dear readers, after months of writing about my love life in this column, this week I have absolutely nothing to say. After dishing out everything about everything, I have no soaps to tell, no stories to relate. Has my love life come to this? My dating life is now too boring to even mention? How long will it be like this? Will I remain single forever?

The men just seem no where to be found. It’s like they have all scattered. Yes, I must admit that in the past few weeks, I have had some excitement, even a prime minister told me that I was beautiful and I meet some really great men when I left the island. But that’s just it; I met them, then nothing else. I guess it really does not help that they are not living here. Oh well. Woe is me.

Now let me investigate why this could be happening, why the men that I like now seem non-existent. The first thing I could think of is a little frightening. My mother warned me about this. Every week, after reading my column, she always says that I will never go on a date again because everything a guy tells me, I put in the paper. No guy will want to take you out or even speak to you after this, she says time and time again. Is mi Madre correcto? Have the boys all run off because a girl likes to write about them? I guess I could understand why a guy would resist asking me out. Who would want their most embarrassing moments published for all of the world or at least St. Lucia to see? Not many, if any!! But come on guys, I don’t mention any names, do I?

The second reason could be that I am just really not actively looking for them. Many dating experts say that you have to go out there and look for guys if you want to find them. I hardly go out now because it is just boring. Same places, same people, nothing new at all. So may be that’s it. If I stay at home, I won’t meet any cute, interesting men. But then, I really don’t want to be that desperate and go hunting for guys. Maybe I’ll work on that and see what happens.

Oh my, what if I grow old and become an ole maid. Oye! I will be 26 this year. Four more years until I am thirty, 20 until I am fifty, Oye, Oye Oye! Ok I must stop this. I am still young and there will be many other opportunities to meet guys. Whew.

My friends get so excited now when they see guy just wink at me. They too, I think, are starting to get a little worried about the state of my love life. My sister just reminded me that many people get married when they are in their fifties, so I still have many years to go. Hey, I'm not looking for a husband, just a date! Well she shouldn’t even talk; she is not going through this dilemma because she has a great boyfriend.

My dear, dear readers, do come back next week. I promise to go out this weekend, so that hopefully I can bring you some type of soaps. Maybe a guy will wink at me! Until next week…

Outside The Box

Well, well, well folks, something very strange is happening to me. I just can’t explain it, I can’t control it but it is happening. Just when I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, I realize that I do not at all. Just when I thought that I had a certain type of guy I was attracted to, things change dramatically. Does the type of guy we like change constantly and can we find love if we go outside of our well sealed boxes?

A couple of months ago, I met this guy who was here visiting and on business. He was a friend of a friend and we seem to hit it off. He was a great guy, very smart, cute, funny and we just seemed to click. But and this is a huge but, he was just not my type at all. There was nothing wrong with this guy, he was quite close to perfect but he was just not the type of guy that I would usually go for. One of my girlfriends, realizing what was going on, began to tease me constantly. I of course denied that I was even interested. I mean, how could I be? He did not fit my bill at all.

A few months ago, I wrote about my type of guy and questioned whether I was too picky. Many readers responded, some telling me to stick to what I wanted and not settle for less, others said that I was going to miss out because I was not thinking outside of the box. One woman even confessed that she had met her husband after she opened up her eyes and realized that he was standing right there in front of her.

Now let me just explain that I would not be settling if I dated this guy. He is a gentleman, has an MBA, makes me laugh, is sooo good looking BUT he is just not the type that I usually go for. I must admit thought that I am very interested in him. My girlfriend will have a field day after this but I have to be honest and admit the truth to myself.

I went to St. Kitts recently and this same guy was there as well. We spent some time together and this just cemented the fact that the kind of guy I like is changing. Some ‘love experts’ believe that the type of guy a woman like changes as she get older. As her focus in life changes, so does the guy that she goes for. Oh my! Am I getting old? I will be celebrating my 26 birthday in November this year, so maybe that explains it.

These ‘experts’ also say that the basic characteristics and personality traits that a woman is attracted to however does not change. So according to them, the candy that I want will remain the same, but the wrapper will change constantly. But maybe this was just a one- time thing. Maybe, this guy had something special that made me step outside of my box just this time. Well this is what I believe until I stumbled upon another similar guy and found him quite interesting as well!!

Ok now I’m really getting worried. Do I no longer have a type? Has the kind of guy that I am attracted to changed? Or do I now have a welcome sign on my back saying door open to all? Oye!!! Until next week…