Monogamy, Polygamy & Polyandry

Monogamy is usually described as having only one spouse or romantic partner at a time. This topic, as with any other relating to love, dating or relationships, causes heated discussions and arguments among persons with different views. Scientists and relationship experts are constantly researching and trying to answer the question of monogamy. Is it realistic for human beings to be with only one person at a time?

I was recently discussing monogamy with an acquaintance and he reported the tale of one straying husband. That husband in question had informed his wife that he wanted a divorce because she didn’t want to understand that he wanted to be with other women. YES, dear readers, you read right. He wanted to divorce his wife because she did not want to accept the fact that he wanted to be with other women, while still married to her. (Let’s pause here to take a deep breathe.). Some of us may be appalled at the above story but it that not the norm in St. Lucia? I have heard so many tales of persons having multiple boyfriends or girlfriends and everybody is just fine with it.

A local DJ was taking to me recently about his girlfriends and I being as curious as usual, asked him how many. “How many girlfriends do you have?” I asked. “Well, I have four main girls and about six to nine others,” he answered. WHAT???? “Do they all know about each other?” I continued asking. “Yes they do and it is ok with them,” he responded. Ok, let’s leave that one alone for another article. So if being with more than one person at a time is so widely accepted, is being with only one or being monogamous really realistic? Have we been programmed to think that having only one mate is the right thing to do and what do the research scientists have to say about it?

This is what scientific researchers have to say. Is monogamy natural in human beings? No. They also say that monogamy in the animal world, especially in mammals is very, very rare. So in the animal kingdom, the creatures really cannot help doing what comes naturally. Biologically they are supposed to be with more than one creature at a time. They do not have a choice, do they? As one scientist put it, “The animals do not have a choice, but humans do.” So there you go. Even if it is not natural for human beings to be monogamous, we have a choice whether we are or not.

The father of psychoanalysis, Sigmund Freud, once argued that civilization is founded on the repression of instincts. In other words, society is based on the fact that human beings do not act naturally. I am sure we all know that things are much easier if we are with only one partner or spouse at a time.

History researchers also say that polygamy (having more than one partner or spouse at the same time) was practiced in many areas of the world before the rules of European civilization spread. In many developing countries around the world, polygamy is still a common practice with men having many wives. In the Toda tribe of India and some other Hindu societies, the practice of polyandry occurs. Polyandry is where one woman has several husbands. Oh my!! I wonder if polyandry is legal in St. Lucia. Ummm... Just kidding! Until next week…

Cheap Dates

Recently a guy made a comment that had me fuming for a couple of hours, appalled that he would think such things about me. He suggested that I would never date a guy like him because he could not afford to take me to expensive dinners and fancy restaurants. He also said that a girl like me needs a guy with lots of money to spoil me. &%#@*&^!!
I, of course, had to set him straight immediately, asking him not to judge before getting to know me. I further explained that I can ‘spoil’ myself by myself, and that the thought is really what counts when it comes to planning dates. So what’s a guy to do when he wants to take a girl out and his pockets are lined with cobwebs? And how do we girls separate the cheap, selfish guys from the sweet, broke ones?

Now let’s get the cheap selfish guys out of the way first! My friend ‘Diane’ was dating this guy many years ago when she was still a youngster and was blinded by young love. So Diane and this guy went to a performance at Pointe Seraphine. The guy said that he did not have much money so Diane paid for the entrance fee of five dollars for the two of them. During the performance the guy says to Diane, “Diane, aren’t you thirsty?” “Yes, I am,” said Diane smiling, thinking that her guy was offering to buy her a drink. “Well I am thirsty too, so get me a Heineken when you go to the bar,” he responded. WHAT!!!! Well Diane, blinded by love, went to the bar and bought this guy a beer. Dear readers, I was present at the above incident and I must tell you that it was the way in which this guy spoke to Diane that had me reeling. But it did not end there. When the couple left the show, the guy stopped to buy another beer, pulled out a 20-dollar bill and never asked Diane whether she wanted something as well. Now that is the cheap, selfish, disrespectful type that we all should stay away from.

Now there are the guys, who are absolutely great, interesting and well mannered, that just cannot afford the extravagant things while dating. They may be ambitious and hard working but there is just not enough money left over to wine and dine a lady after the bills and other obligations are settled. Guys, that is OKAY. All you have to do is be creative when planning dates and remember that it really is the thought and effort you put into it that counts.

I remember that the best date I ever went on was when this guy cooked for me. He found out what I liked to eat and made a special at home dinner for the two of us. I still remember that time with fondness because it was absolutely thoughtful, and he put so much effort into it. He even decorated the table with candles and flowers. AAWWWW. So guys, imagine that you can have a girl so impressed with you by spending under 30 or 40 dollars. Let me break it down for you. Go to the supermarket or meat place and buy two legs of chicken, two pieces of fish or whatever your girl likes. Buy some rice, some cucumbers and tomatoes. Pick some peppers from your neighbour’s garden (with permission of course) and some flowers from the other neighbour. Go to S & S and buy two coloured candles. Voila! You have a fabulous date all arranged. Your date will be blown away by your effort.

If cooking is not your thing, why not invite her to watch you play basketball or football and even offer to teach her a thing or two about the game. Going to the beach is also great. Just remember that if you are with the right person, where you go on a date really does not matter, spending time getting to know each other is the important thing. Anyway y’all, until next week…

Dating Myths

In the dating world of a single gal there are many things you hear about but really do not believe. Your couple friends always tell you about these things but seeds of doubt have already been planted in your brain. I am even starting to believe that a good first date is an urban legend. Oh alright, I am exaggerating a bit but is there really something called ‘love at first sight’ or does each person really have a ‘soul mate’? How does a single gal separate the truth from the myths?

A guy sees a girl across a room, the girl turns to look at him, their eyes lock and they fall instantly in love with each other. Dear readers, I present dating myth number one. Love at first sight. Is there even such a thing? How can two people just look at each other and know that they are in love? I think that ‘love at first sight’ is just really ‘lust at first sight’. That instant attraction two people feel is probably all about the physical attraction. The girls look at the guy and thinks, ‘Oh what nice eyes you have’ and the guy looks at the girl and thinks ‘Oh my, what nice ________ you have’ (fill in the blanks yourself). Anyway, I once believed in love at first sight but after many incidents of asking what was I thinking, I am no longer a believer.

I am sure that the following has happen to you as well: I was at a party a few years ago and I saw this gorgeous guy a few feet away. After staring at each other, falling in love across the room, he finally came over. ‘Hi, I’m Esther,’ I said, in my most seductive voice. A soon as the first word came out of his mouth the attraction was gone. I can’t really explain it, but it was just not the voice I was expecting and he really was an airhead!

Dating myth number two is the phenomenon of soul mates. Are we to believe that on this earth with a gazillion people that there is one person out there for each of us? Only one? So do we go roaming the world in search of ‘the one’ who we are destined to spend the rest of our lives and eternity with? Oh please. I am sure that that couples who are now madly in love with each other, want to slap some sense into me, to get me to believe that there is that one guy out there for me. Sorry, but at this moment, I just don’t.

However, there are some popular phrases that I do whole-heartedly believe in. The first is ‘Love is blind’. Yes, scientists have actually proven that being in love makes people ‘blind’ or unaware of the facts. Researchers have found that certain chemicals releases in the brain when a person in ‘in love’ makes them think and act like a crazy person! They also say that similar endorphins are released when ‘in love’ and when someone takes crack! Yes that crack! That explains a lot. Anyway the second one I believe is that ‘fools rush in’. More on that later. Until next week…..

Dazed & Confused

Sometimes, something so mind boggling, so head turning, so perplexing, puzzling, baffling and so bewildering happens that you are just left dazed and confused. No it is not another government scandal, bank robbery or West Indies Cricket Team loss. It is the behavior of the opposite sex, the male Homo sapiens, these residents of Mars. Could we women ever understand the mind of the man and should we even try???

There is a huge misconception, which we have all subconsciously learned, and heard over and over again. Women are confusing, men are straightforward. Dear readers, I beg to differ! I have constantly heard men say that women are just so hard to understand, that we say one thing but really mean something else. Women are always being referred to as the complicated sex and men are called simple. Are they really that simple? Even so called ‘love experts’ get in on the action of perpetuating that untruth. One of these experts, called Doc Love, insists that ‘women have an innate understanding of men, but men do not understand women at all.’ Hey, we (women) are probably the smarter sex, but when it comes to dating, men demonstrate just as confusing behaviour as women, sometimes even more.

The first question all women want answered is, ‘Why do men never call when they say they will call?’ For the answer to this question, I consulted several of my male friends, did extensive research and dug deep into the male psyche to uncover the answer. Do you want to know what I found out? Different men have very, very different reasons why. And they say we women never agree!! Just kidding guys. Anyway, one guy informed me that he would tell a girl whom he is dating that he will call later, but will wait for a few days. Why? Is he not interested? Of course he is, but he just does not want to seem too eager or too needy by calling when he says he will call. He wants to seem a little unavailable and therefore more desirable. Huh? On the other hand, an online ‘dating guru’ decoded this similar behaviour in an entirely opposite way. This guru stated that the guy who is not calling when he says he will is just not interested in the woman in question. Okay, I’m still confused, and where are guys getting their dating advice!

Sometimes men say one thing, them do another. A woman recently told me that she was dating this guy; things were going great and the guy constantly made plans for the two of them. Then one day, he just vanished! He stopped calling, stopped texting, stopped email and never asked her out again. She saw him now and then but he never gave her an explanation. I again consulted my testosterone panel for the answer. One guy reported that he had done this once because he had another girlfriend, juggling two women was becoming too difficult, and he didn’t know any other way to break it off easily with the other girl. A ‘dating expert’ analyzed this behaviour as a way that immature guys let a woman know that he is just not interested or just not that into her. Yet another guy reported that he once disappeared from a girl’s life because he felt that he was not good enough for her and didn’t feel confident when he was around her. Huh? I am again confused.

I recently asked a guy a simple question. ‘What’s wrong?’ His answer, ‘Nothing’s wrong.’ It was obvious that something was but he probably expected me to be a mind reader or something. Hey, what’s going on here, have the tables turned? Women normally say nothing’s wrong when something’s wrong. Maybe guys are just like us after all! Okay, now I’m really confused!!!