Shag Buddy

I recently spied one of my guy friends out with a new girl. Curiousity got the better of me and I sent him a text asking if she was his new girlfriend. ‘Oh no’, he texted back quickly: ‘She is my shag buddy.’

For the more conservative among us, I will translate. Other terms to describe this delicate arrangement between two people include ‘friends with benefits’, ‘sex friend’ and ‘f@*k buddy’. Yes, two friends or acquaintances that regularly get together for sex, no strings attached. It is all just for the physical pleasure. Or is it?

While this ‘shag buddy’ thing is nothing new to the dating world, there has been a steady increase of women initiating these connections. It appears to me that now, more than ever, women are taking control of their sex lives and making their own rules. But the truth is that women are naturally complex. So can we really just have casual sex with no strings?

Many experts agree that for women, even though the sex is meant for physical pleasure, that their heart cannot be left at the bedroom door. Others say that women do not have the biological makeup to have unemotional flings and may be wounded emotionally by the experience. This ‘friends with benefits’ thing happens a lot when people are single and in between relationships but do not want a serious relationship.

How does this work? Are there rules to the casual shag? Can the two persons involved shag other people as well or are they exclusive? Do you go out on regular dates with your f#%k friend like a normal couple? My guy friend had taken his shag buddy out and told me that he was not ashamed of the girls he slept with. Experts say that casual flings could work and have their benefits but both people involved have to understand and agree that the union is just a casual one.

It has been said that women cannot just have casual sex and not get attached. According to some, when sex occurs a certain chemical is released in the woman’s brain that makes her feel more attached to the man. So even though she would like to keep the arrangement casual, she cannot help but develop deeper feelings for the man. Many people admit to being freer sexually with someone that they are just hooking up with as opposed to a long term partner.

Now can a ‘shag buddy’ develop into a boyfriend or girlfriend? Well it all depends on the two people involved in the relationship and what they want out of the union. If both agree that it is time to make the relationship official and start being serious, then it could work out beautifully. If on the other hand one person would like to keep it casual but the other person wants something more, then the relationship will not work because no one will be getting what they want. Anyhoo be good kids!

Wall Building

We all remember the time when we were young and carefree and loved without abandon. The way we loved changed quickly when our heart was broken by the one we imagined was the perfect man or woman for us. We then had the difficult task of picking up the thousand broken pieces of our heart and trying to put them all back together. Getting your heart back exactly like it was before is near impossible. While we put the pieces together we also erect very sturdy walls around our heart to protect it and ourselves from the next missile. After being hurt, can we truly love again without all of our fences up?

As human beings it is only natural for us to try to learn from our mistakes and attempt to never repeat them. With love, we go the extra mile and swear to ourselves that we will never be hurt again. After that first blow, we build up walls that are supposed to protect us but usually only cause more harm than good. We soon forget that these walls are there and start wondering why we are not falling in love again.

A girlfriend of mine was so in love once. The guy was a bastard and constantly cheated on her. She found out, broke up with him and took a year plus to get over it. She vowed that she would never again let any guy get that close to her. She then returns to the dating world and seems to be only meeting idiots (according to her). She scrutinizes everything that the guys do and uses any possible excuse to break up with them. She really wanted to fall in love again but didn’t realize that her wall had become so high that she was not letting any other guy in. She now thought every man would cheat on her.

I have heard so many similar stories. A guy gets his heart broken so he becomes a player, tries not to fall in love again and goes around breaking hearts. Then the cycle continues. Is it possible to love as we used to without all of the armor and protection around our hearts? I do not think that something that is broken so badly can ever be the same again but we can learn to give other people a chance.

We must remember that no two people are alike and we cannot blame John for Jack’s behaviour. We cannot keep on believing that everyone is out to hurt us. Someone recently asked me how do they mend a broken heart. All I can say is that it takes time and if you allow yourself to be loved, then great things can happen in your life. Wow, I sound just like Dr Phil!

I really believe that even if your heart has been broken, you should love like you have never been hurt. Being in love is a great feeling and we should never deny ourselves that experience. I am not saying that you should ignore all warning signs if someone is not treating you the way that they should but just give people a chance. Judge everyone by his or her own behaviour and not that of your past loves. Good luck to you all!

Attraction

I was watching Oprah recently and the topic was mucho interesting. It was all about attracting your soul mate and how you go about finding the right man or woman for you. One relationship expert concluded that we are responsible for whomever we attract. If we keep on attracting jerks it is because of what we are putting out there.

She explained that the energy that we give off is attracting guys to us that we feel worthy of having. Let me break it down some more. So say that you have dated three different guys in one year and these guys are all abusive and treat you like dirt. The explanation is that you are giving off energy or signs that say that this is how you value yourself. Until you start believing that you deserve more in your life, only then will you attract a better guy.

Is that really true? Are we responsible for the people that come into our lives? Can we control the type of person that is attracted to us? I say definitely yes! Life is truly all about energy. If you allow yourself to you can definitely feel what other people are about. I am sure you have heard someone say that so and so just has so much negative energy. It’s the same with guys. If you believe that you are worth little, have no self esteem, you will obviously attract someone who will take advantage of you and use you like his or her doormat. On the other hand if you are a confident individual and think very highly of yourself then someone worthy will be attracted to you.

Some experts believe that you are what you think and I totally agree with that. This is something that I have learnt in my short twenty six years of living. You think, therefore you are. To attract the good guys and girls, work on yourself first and make yourself someone that you love and want to be around. Just forget about finding love for now, make yourself the number one priority and then you will attract all that you want.

A girlfriend of mine was telling me about her love life recently. She seemed to be dating and attracting men who were in the country for only a few months or so. Every time she met a great guy, it turned out that he was only working here for a while and then would return to his country. After great thought she realized that she was a bit afraid of commitment and this was her was of not dealing with it. If the guy was here for a short time there was no way she would be pulled into a long term commitment and she never had the hard task of breaking things off. Right now she is working on herself and I am sure that she will soon find a great guy.

Another expert suggested that to attract someone when you are out, just believe that you are hot, confident and sexy and other people will believe it as well. So even if you are having a bad hair day, feel down or are just fed up with your love life, put on your sexiest outfit, hold your head high and strut what your momma gave you. Remember ‘You are what you think!

The First Move

So I know that it is 2007 and all that and we women should be able to do everything that men do. When it comes to love and dating, should we act just like men and do everything that they do? Is it ok to ask a guy out or make the first move? Men have been dealing with rejection for centuries, is it our turn now? I wonder if men would prefer for us women to approach them? I am all for women power and all that but I really do not want the tables turned. I may ask a guy out once in a while, oh okay once in a blue moon but I would rather not do it all the time.

A friend of mine really liked this guy. He was a cool dude but he was extremely shy. This guy told a mutual friend that he was really interested in my friend but he could not make the first move. He would just talk to her a little but could not muster up the courage to ask her out. Armed with this important piece of information, she invited him to dinner and they have been together ever since. The story could have ended differently if she waited for him to make the first move. At least she was lucky and knew that he liked her. Some of us are not so lucky.

I am sure that we have all been in this situation. We like some guy and we think that he has some interest but we are not absolutely sure. So we keep on staring at him across the bar and he stares back. So what do you do in this situation? There are many benefits of living in a small island, one being the fact that everybody knows everybody. So you use your links and friends to gain intel.

There must be someone you know that knows him so let that person casually mention your name and find out what the guy thinks about you. Please make sure that the guy is not told that you are interested in him. The undercover agent you send in must say the following, ‘So man, you’re still single right? Well hey, what about (insert your name here)? She’s a great girl and I know that she is single too and she is here tonight. I could casually bring you over there to her.’ This is a no fail method of finding out what the guy thinks. Just make sure that the person you send in to do your dirty work can do it right.

This method has been tried and tested by yours truly so I know that it works! So after finding out that he is interested in you, then you can make the first move and invite him out for drinks or something. Now by all means, if you are one of the brave ones, just go for it and let him know that you are interested and see what happens. You may have to deal with a little rejection and it will be embarrassing at first but it is always worth the risk. This is what life is all about. Men have to deal with rejection all of the time, so maybe now we can take some of the burden off of them.

Another simple way is to just go up to a guy and say hello. Let’s avoid all of the bad pick up lines that men have been using for ages and just be straight. ‘Hello my name is (insert your name here), what’s yours?’ Simple and to the point.