Race Relations

During a recent lunch with two girlfriends the conversation got around to love, marriage and race. None of us could not wrap our brains around the fact that in many cultures love between two people of different races or religions are forbidden. As I looked around the table, I realized that we were all from a different race. I had long become oblivious of their skin colour and I never really thought about it before then. When it comes to matters of the heart, does race really matter? Should our skin colour be a barrier to love?

Of course not. I may sound naive but it seems to me ridiculous that in 2006 many people see race as a factor even when it comes to love. My personal philosophy is that people are people. Skin colour should matter only when you are trying to choose the right shade for your hair. Okay, let’s get serious here. For centuries men and women have been falling in love with people outside of their own race.

Cleopatra fell in love with Julius Cesar in 46 BC, Iman fell in love with David Bowie in the 1970s and now the supermodel Heidi Klum has fallen for the singer Seal. So, what exactly is the issue with race and love? Why can’t we all just love who we love and judge others not on their shades or tones but on their characters and personalities.

In many countries, including our sweet St Lucia, dating someone from another race attracts stares, frowns and sometimes nasty comments form strangers. I mean, come on people, why can’t we all just get along? As Sir Paul Mc Cartney and Stevie Wonder said in their song: “Ebony and Ivory, live together in perfect harmony, side by side …” For more on this I spoke to someone I regard as an expert on interracial dating: my own sister, whose ex-boyfriend is from Luxembourg and her current from Australia. She said that even though the colour of their skin is a non-issue to family and friends, and that many of their friends are dating or even married to people outside their race, some strangers seem to object to their union. Other black women dating white men have been called traitors to their race.

Now people, I am not telling you who to date but if your rule is to date only people of your own race, imagine how many great, interesting and good-looking men and women of other races that you will never get the chance to know. I have had the privilege of having white, black, Hispanic, Chinese, Arab friends, and I realize skin colour is just that: a colour, a descriptive word, nothing more. When you get to really know people, we are all basically alike. Some good and some bad.

Good Grief It's Raining Men

My love life always seems to go in weird cycles. I dunno if it’s the moon, rain or alignment of the planet Jupiter, but at times life’s like the Sahara desert; no men in my line of vision for miles and miles and then suddenly there’s a monsoon and I’m flooded out. Seriously.

A few months ago, my dating calendar was soo empty that I was forced to write about how boring my love life was. My mother and a couple of my girlfriends placed all of the blame squarely on this column. “No man will ever ask you out again,” my mother said. “Why would he, if you are going to write about it in the papers for all of St Lucia and the world to read,” my girlfriend added.

“But I never mention any names,” I responded, in an attempt to defend my good name. Okay, so I admit that was a pretty lame defense. But then how to explain those monsoon seasons; when men seem to pop up from every crevice on this earth’s surface; all entering my life all at the same time. What a lucky lady, you say? Well, I am but I must tell you that too much of a good thing is never great. Take chocolate, for example, which I absolutely love. Eat one bar and it’s terribly fulfilling; eat ten and what you’ll end up with is a very bad stomach ache. So, what to do when many good offers are lined up on the table and you have no idea which to pick?

The first option is to accept them all and hope that your juggling skills are excellent. This reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte had two dinner dates in one night. She pretended to be sick on the first date so that she could make it in time for the second. Hummm . . . good idea. Could that ever work for me? Well, that show is based in New York city where there are many more restaurants, bars and nightclubs to go to and the chances of running into the guy from your first date when you are with your second are low. In St Lucia where the options are limited, your first date’s cousin’s brother’s wife’s friend may just see you out with the second guy and rat you out.

Now do not get me wrong, I think in the early stages of the dating game it is fine to date more than one person at a time until both of you decide to be exclusive but it is usually best to avoid having two dates on one night or things may become a wee bit problematic. The second option is to carefully sift through all the offers, pick the best of the lot and work with that one guy for as long or as little as you like. In this way you can give your full attention to that one person.
Alas! There is also the option of saying no thank you to all of them and go on enjoying your single and sometimes dateless experience. Uhhh, I don’t think so. I’ll go with option one or two and hope that it continues to rain.

To Love, Lust or Like?

The world of dating and relationships is a quagmire of confusion. One major bog is the question: ‘Is this love or lust?’ How can you tell if you are truly, madly, deeply in love with someone or you are just filled with lust for his or her beautiful body? What is the difference anyway and how do you know when you are in love? And can you really fall in love at first sight? Questions, questions . . .
Some long time ago, I met this guy through a mutual friend. We seemed perfect for each other and soon I felt that I was truly in love with him. I, being an extremely analytical person, could not accept that I had fallen in love so quickly. Could I just abandon all logic, all good common sense and let my heart take over? We soon realized that we had some major personality and lifestyle differences and said adios to each other.
All of the loving feelings were replaced by indifference and I couldn't remember why I had been so in love. If it really was love wouldn't I be hurting, crying or missing him? I wasn't doing any of the above, so I concluded that had only been lust or a deep liking.
Two days ago, a friend met me and gushed, “Esther, I am in love!” I, of course, wanted to know every single detail. Did she have some secret fellow that she was hiding somewhere? “Who is this guy?” I asked. “Well I met him yesterday when I was downtown!” she answered. What! Yesterday! Was I hearing correctly? This normally levelheaded girl had fallen in love overnight?
“You are in love just after one day?” I asked in disbelief. “No, it didn't take one day. It was love at first sight. We locked eyes and I knew that he was the one for me. I can’t explain it, but I just feel ditzy, childish and are at a loss for words whenever I am with him,” she continued.
She went on to say that she had never felt this way before and she knew that it was more than just a crush or lust. I refrained from mouthing the cynical thoughts that swirled around in my head. I do wish her luck! The question still remains. How do you know if it is love? Are there specific symptoms, clues, and factors that signal this emotion? And what does being in love mean? I searched for the meaning of love in the Oxford dictionary online and it explained love as “to feel love for.” Huh?
I searched some more and the online dictionary also stated that love is “an intense feeling of deep affection” and “to like very much.” Okay, I still haven't found the answers to any of my questions about love, lust or deep liking. Maybe I should just stop thinking and rambling so much . .

Wedding Bliss

Before I even start anything, let me just clarify one thing—no, I am not getting married. I know how the St Lucian grapevine works. Someone sees the title of this article and before even reading the piece a cousin in Brooklyn is telling all Looshans up there how they hear Esther Lee getting married. Then my mother will get a whole-ton a calls, everyone wanting to know who’s the lucky man. Then my mother will be calling me to find out how come folks in Brooklyn know I’m getting hitched and she doesn’t! Yes, it has happened before!
So anyway, I recently attended a wedding at a local hotel for a feature in Tropical Traveller. I had planned to interview the couple and observe the ceremony. The bride and groom seemed so in love. Both were teary eyed during the exchange of vows and couldn’t take their eyes off each other. Later I heard how the newly married man had fallen in love with his bride the day he met her. Awww! How sweet is that?
While watching the happy couple promise to love each other for life, I couldn’t help but feel a little pang of jealousy, wishing that one day I would experience the same thing. But then I really don't know when or if I could ever get married. Yes, just like most young women, I sometimes dream about walking down the aisle in my Vera Wang wedding dress to meet my groom at the altar. But this whole marriage thing is just not that important to me right now. While some of my schoolmates are now married, running a household and having babies, I remain very satisfied putting my energy into my career and other activities I enjoy.
My puppy Coco is trouble enough to care for and I can't imagine having a husband and kids. Heck, I still live with my Mama! I choose to be a bit selfish with my life and time right now.Even when I get older, I wonder if marriage will be that important or necessary. With the divorce rate so high, saying ‘I do’ is a real risk. Why can’t I just be like Oprah? She and Stedman have been together forever and choose not to take that all-important trip down the aisle. I could just have a boyfriend or boyfriends. Why not? I know that marriage purists are wondering what’s wrong with me but that’s how I feel right now; ten years down the line, I may feel differently.
Lately, I have been thinking about kids as well. I really do not know if I want any. I recently interviewed a very successful magazine publisher who’s been married for several years and they’ve decided not to have kids. Going against all pressure from family and friends, this woman admitted that her work was her baby and that she was just too busy and happy with her life to fit kids in. I totally admired her for being so honest because a lot of women feel pressured to follow the ideal family picture. I totally understood her.
I spoke to my wise mother recently about my to- have-children-or-not dilemma and she spoke of the joys of motherhood. But hey, this is life and you never know what may happen. Come find me in five years and I may just be barefoot and pregnant, cooking in some man's kitchen!