Mr. Nice Guy

There is a popular phrase, which says that the good guy always wins. In the action movies, that saying is always almost true. In the dating world however, good guys may find themselves at the bottom of the feeding chain when it comes to women. Yes, yes, I know that a lot of women say that they want the nice guy, but are we always telling the truth? Do we really want a guy to spoil us rotten, bring us candy and flowers every week, be caring, sweet, sensitive, always at our beck and call, and always available? Yes and no.

Now guys, I know that this answer may confuse you, and yes I know that women are already too complicated to understand, but that’s the most honest answer you will get. When I say yes, that I do want a nice guy who’s caring and spoils me, I mean that it’s great to be with someone who cares about you and surprises you with flowers or candy occasionally. When I say no, I mean that I do not want a guy who is toooo nice, sweet or as a friend of mine would say, saccharine. (dictionary meaning: of sickly sweetness). Yes believe it or not, a guy can be too nice, when he makes himself too available by calling you ten times a day. A guy once called me fourteen times in a row. I stopped answering after call number three. If he always buys you gifts or flowers, or does any of these thoughtful gestures too much, then the intended meaning is lost, and it all just becomes way too much.

Some women, like myself, want a guy who challenges them, who can hold his own in a disagreement, and not concur with every single thing we say. In other words, we do not want a doormat, a ‘pushover’ or a ‘yes man’. Now guys, I beg of you, this is not a license to become insensitive, uncaring, ill-mannered, argumentative jerks. This is just to advise you that too much of a good thing is not necessarily a great thing. This situation can be compared to delicious chocolate cake. If you eat a slice or two, you will enjoy it and definitely come back for more. On the other hand, if you eat the cake all at once, you may get physically sick and not want any more chocolate cake for a very long time.

A few years back, a guy who was interested in me constantly wrote love poems and even brought me a huge bunch of balloons. It was sweet but I had had enough of the overly gushy and romantic gestures. I do applaud him for putting all his feelings out there but it was just too much. A female friend reported that while at college, a guy who she really liked started laying it on thick. He would bring her chocolates every day, write love notes during class, call her constantly and even bought her jewelry. After two months of this behavior, she began avoiding him and then broke it off. Sad, but true. She remembers that she felt suffocated and just got tired of the guy, because he was always around.

Another form of the too nice guy is Mr. Sensitive. It is great when a guy can display compassion and show that certain things affect him. Many say that it takes a man to cry, but do women want someone who literally cries and bawls at the drop of a hat? A friend of a friend once dated a guy who just loved watching romantic movies. Sweet, you say. He cried all throughout the films!

Now guys please do not stop being nice, well-mannered gentlemen but take it easy with the sugar! As with everything else, overdoing the Mr. Nice Guy routine may backfire and have the opposite effect. I also sometimes wonder if these guys are for real or are just playing a role. Anyway, do let me know what you think.

The Checkout Counter

There is one important, very very important question that every single gal asks constantly. Where do I sign up to meet the cute guys? (Or at least I do) We always want to know the best possible place to meet our next date. Guys do not even shake your heads at me, because I am pretty sure you wonder the same thing about women! So where are these ‘hook up sites’ located?

Surveys show that one of the most popular places to meet guys is at the supermarket. Yes you read right, the supermarket. That may explain my extra trips to JQ’s in Rodney Bay! On my recent excursions there, I have really noticed the high numbers of really ridiculously good-looking men shopping there. Now think about it, what better place can you meet a great guy, and find things out about his life, without even talking to him or asking the village gossip. One little peek into his shopping basket and you can find out everything you need to know. Don’t believe me? Then let me explain. I present, ladies and gentlemen, the analysis of the grocery cart. Let’s begin. Tampons. Check. Probably has a wife or girlfriend at home. No guy buys feminine stuff for his mother! Little juice boxes and mini anything. Check. Must be shopping for the kids. Steak, sausages, ham. Check. I’m pretty sure he is not vegetarian. Fruits, Vegetables, water. Check. He must be interested in healthy living. If he is spending a little extra time looking at the seasonings and spices, he probably knows how to cook his lady a good dinner. So the check out counter at the supermarket can really become the CHECK HIM OUT counter. Get it? Hahaha. Now please do not sue me if this backfires. This study is not a scientific one.

If you are not the type to ‘make sweet eyes’ in the household cleaning aisle, then you can always meet your dream guy on television for the whole world to see. Earlier this week, I caught an episode of the Bachelor on ABC. The premise of the show is this: One successful and handsome bachelor gets a chance to meet 25 available women, who will all be staying in the same house. He gets to know them better, goes out on group dates, and then gets to pick and choose who stays and who goes home. Lucky guy! He picks those he likes, says bye bye to those he has no chemistry with, until one girl is left standing. Supposedly, he proposes to her and they live happily ever after. Yeah, sure. Even though this shows a little of what goes on in the real world, where women and even men compete for the hearts of the most eligible, most of us would prefer not getting rejected in front of millions of television viewers. So, for some of us who are less adventurous and smarter (I think), there are many other places reported to be the site of successful ‘hook-ups’.

One of these is at church. You at least have an idea of what the person’s beliefs are and maybe, just maybe, you have the same moral values. Another great place is through friends especially other couples, because they seem to want everybody to have what they have. A significant other, long walks on the beach, romantic dinners, blah, blah, blah. I’m sure you get my point. Other places include social clubs and volunteer organizations. These create so many opportunities to meet up with potential dates. Surprisingly, many say that the bar or club is NOT a good place to meet. Why? Think about it. Doesn’t everyone look good at 2 am after you have had a few martinis? Anyway, that’s all for now folks. Got to go pick up an application for the Rotary Club! Until next week….

Dating 101

The world of dating is tres confusing. There are many rule books and guides out there to help ease the pain, but they sometimes give very different advice, so that just makes matters worse. Let’s start from the beginning. What is dating anyway? The Oxford dictionary describes a date as ‘to make a social engagement with’. In layman terms, I like you, you like me, lets get together and see if we really like each other. (Sounds like a song from the TV show Barney, not that I watch it.) The comedian Jerry Seinfeld once described dating as a job interview that you may wind up naked at the end of. So true. Should we follow some form of dating rules or do we just go with the flow?

The first issue with dating is getting the first date. Say you meet this person at a club, you two have a great time dancing and flirting and you get his or her number. How long after that initial meeting should you wait to call? The answer to this question varies. Some women I asked say that the day after, in the evening time, is great. The guy doesn’t seem too desperate by calling early in the day but comes off as thoughtful and makes you know that he is very interested. Others expect some form of communication on the same night. A guy friend on the other hand said that if he really wants to date a girl he will wait a couple of days before calling, so that he does not seem desperate or overly eager. Other guys have reported that they would contact the girl that same night to show their interest and cement the initial connection. Now I’m more confused than ever. I guess that it really depends on the people involved and the situation. Personally I would prefer if a guy calls the day after, cause all I want to do, after I come from the club at three or four in the morning, is to go to sleep!

Question number two. Can you date more than one person at a time? Just like the first topic, this one receives a variety of answers. Some say absolutely not, others see nothing wrong with it. Remember that dating is just DATING. Dating someone means that you are spending time with them, sharing personal information and seeing whether they are the right person to be in a committed relationship with. (Or that’s what it supposed to be!) Although sometimes I prefer to reserve my time for only one, I see nothing wrong in dating multiple people at the same time. Just be honest about it! As one woman puts it, ‘If you do not have options, you do not have a choice.’ So feel free to fill up your calendar with suitable bachelors or bachelorettes until you both decide to date exclusively, i.e., only each other. An issue arising from this is whether one can book two dates in one night. I really think that one night should be reserved for one person. This of course, like everything else, is subject to debate. According to a guy friend of mine, ‘Think about it, why does a car have a spare tire?’ I will reserve my comments for a later date.

So now you have a first date. Where do you go, what do you do? First dates shouldn’t be overly extravagant or involve an activity that will prevent you from talking to the other person. Activities such as going to the cinema, seeing a play or going out in a group will take the attention away from each other and not give you enough time to really get to know the other person. Many say that a first date should informal, fun and interesting. No stress, no pressure. And just remember that what you do while dating all depends on the person and the situation, so sometimes we should really just stop analyzing love and go with the flow. Now I better get on with actually finding one, a date that is! Hahaha. Until next week…

Death to Valentines!!!

It’s THAT time of year again when lovers, romantics and those obsessed with all things red, wake up everyday with a smile on their faces in anticipation of THE day. No it is not even their birthday or wedding day. It’s Valentine’s Day, February 14, the day everyone gets flowers and chocolates and special unmentionables from their sweethearts. Everyone except the single people!! Why must this day even exist? Can’t you couples buy flowers or chocolates and have that special dinner any ole time of the year?

Since I can’t wave my magic wand and make it all go away, I guess I will have to suffer through this year’s celebrations. Now, dear reader, please do not get me wrong. I love the fact that couples get a chance to show their appreciation for each other and that some businesses will be having a very good week, but that day is just a slap in the face of all the single people out there.

Even though some of us love being just one, Valentine’s Day is like a child waving his finger at you, taunting you and reminding you that YOU ARE ALL ALONE. Literally, everywhere you turn on every corner will have some sort of reference to THAT day. School children wearing their little paper cutout hearts pinned to their chests, every store window advertising some special or the other and let’s not forget the people who dress in red and white!! No, Non, Awa! Gimme a break people, do you have to dress in the red and white? I’ll be in black.

And then, there are the ads on the radio, television and newspapers advertising every kind of Valentine’s Day event. This year I have realized that the organizers of these parties and dinners are actually inviting the single people to join in on the fun. Now, think about it. Why would I, a single girl, want to come to a Valentine’s dinner and dance? Do I want to torture my weak heart by watching couples look at each other lovingly, dance closely and making out in all available corners, as I sit all by my lonesome listening to love songs? No, Non, AWA! Then, to add insult to injury, you have to pay more to attend if you are coming alone! I saw two events advertised on television where the entrance fee to the party is $20 for singles and $30 for couples (or $15 per person). So after I’m already feeling down about being alone on Valentine’s Day, I have to pay more than an attached person to enjoy myself and lift my spirits. Thanks a lot!

Wow, I must apologize if I sounded extremely angry or cynical or rude. I really could not help it. Just being honest. To all the couples, please enjoy that day and send each other lots of flowers, candy, perfumes and all things nice. But please forgive me if I look a little grumpy, snap at you or are dressed all in black on THAT day. Hmmm maybe next year I’ll be getting flowers or wearing red. Until next time…

Are Single Women the Enemy?

There is a war waging here on earth, a war between two very different groups, a war that can affect lives and make grown men weep. I’m not taking about World War III, War of the Worlds or even the racial divide, although as much passion is given to it. Ladies and gents, the war I speak of is the one between single women and those not so single, married or otherwise. Sometimes I think that married and attached women want to return to the days when witches were burnt at the stake, but instead of witches, women with no men would be tortured and turned to ashes. “I heard so and so is alone. Let’s hunt her down and make her pay.’ This they would say, as all the villagers carry their torches and spears and prepare to spill blood. Are we single women the enemy?

Oh ok ok, my imagination has gone a little far this time but that’s how I feel sometimes. Show the evidence you say. I give you exhibit A. (I think I watched too many episodes of ‘Law & Order SVU’ during my time off). Anyway I have attended various functions or have had dinner at this couples’ only resort in the north of the island. If I am walking through the hotel alone or with my girlfriends, I instantly receive an extremely icy reception from the women who are with their men. They seem to pull their guys just a little closer to them as if to mark their territory and claim ownership. Maybe their husbands stare a little too long or a little too hard. I know its cliché but if looks could kill, I would be six feet under right now! Then on the other hand, if I am at this same hotel with a date or just a guy friend, these women seem to want to be my friend! They smile and allow their husbands to smile at me as well, and try to start up conversations.

Exhibit B your honor. I once work at this place that required me to travel to trade shows and conferences, and my boss was sometimes required to attend as well. So one time on this trip to the isle of reggae, the manager and I traveled together to attend this weeklong conference. Before I left, who should call me at work but the significant other of this boss in question. She wanted to get all the details of our trip because she was planning on surprising him there, yes people she was going to fly over during her partners business trip to ‘surprise’ him. Some of you may see absolutely nothing wrong with that, but you would have to know the individual in question to understand her motives. Well fly over there she did, to the sheer horror and embarrassment of her partner, who did not appreciate the gesture. He was convinced that I was the reason she had dropped everything, took time off work and flew many, many miles to see him. With regards to me she took the advice of keeping her enemies very close. Why she felt threatened I never knew, since I was not the least bit attracted to the guy, but I doubt she would believe me. If I had been married or attached, would she have done the same thing?

Maybe this war is all in my head but many other single gals have reported similar incidents. Even when my girlfriends and I go out to nightclubs in Rodney Bay, the same pulling the men a little closer and icy stares seem to happen. My sister though is now no longer on the list to be eliminated by the other side. Why? Well she and her boyfriend Damien, who make the cutest couple, are usually together when their go out. I dunno, maybe this war just my imagination. Until next time…
Let me know what you think, write to me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com

Single in 2006?

This week I started making a mental list of my new year’s resolutions and goals for 2006. Become a better writer, expand my business, start some form of exercise, find a new man. Hold on now, did I just say find a new man? Oui, si, yes I did. Then I started to wonder, is that as important as my other goals? Will it make that much of a difference in my life? Will having someone to rub my feet and whisper sweet nothings in my ears actually make me a happier woman?

Studies have suggested that being one half of a couple actually prolongs someone’s life and make it more meaningful. Other studies also say the same thing about having dogs. If I really admit it, being single is not that bad at all. There are so many benefits to being just one. One of my married friends recently confessed that she missed her single days. She really is happy in her marriage but stressed that I should enjoy my time alone and that I had absolutely no one to answer to but myself. That is sooo true.

Another great benefit of this is being able to flirt with anybody you want and not have to deal with a jealous boyfriend or girlfriend after. And flirt I did in 2005! Going solo means that you are totally open to anyone interesting and the possibility of new romances. Whoopee!! You can also take the time to really find out what you want in life and in a partner. This year I realized that I do not want the younger guy, the way too old man, the recycled mate or the dude with really bad pick up lines. I am however open to guys from all races, cultures and nationalities if they are cute, interesting, smart and funny.

Having a man in the New Year would also mean that I would have to find the time and space in my life to fit him in. I really like doing lots of different things including producing and hosting a television show, working on my art, watching movies and so many other things which take up most of my weekends. The rest of that time is spent hanging with friends. So I just may end up penciling the guy into my schedule and that would never work.

During my research for this article I came across a study that was done on the health benefits of being single and was printed in an issue of Marie-Claire in November 2004. They found out that single people generally have the following traits:
1. You don’t get fat. Women generally gain five to eight pounds in the first two years of marriage. More if they are unhappy.
2. You look more in shape and fit. Singles are more likely to pay attention to how their bodies look. The increase in exercise lowers the risk of heart disease and diabetes. It also reduces symptoms of PMS!
3. You spend more time doing what matters. And less time on housework! Hahaha.
4. You sleep and think better.
5. You are less of a stress case
6. You have lower blood pressure and you’re happier.
Hey, people in a twosome, I didn’t say it, Marie-Claire did, so send them your hate mail. For those fabulous singles that agree, write to me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com. Until next year….

Should We Recycle?

In the town known as “Singleton”, the residents sometimes face extremely difficult and mind-boggling questions. One at the top of all lists is ‘should we engage in the practice of recycling?’ Now to all those in the neighbouring village of “Couplesville”, when I speak of recycling, I am not referring to paper or plastics and being environment friendly, by reusing household waste. I am instead talking about the method of re-entering the dating world with someone who you have dated in the past. I am talking about reusing or recycling men or women, who you already have a colourful past with. When unable to get a new shoe, should we empty our closet to find an old one?

The answer to this question really lies in the past relationship and why it ended. Two people get together because they are attracted to each other or so we hope. When that relationship ends, there still may be some attraction remaining. After going their separate ways, growing and maturing, they may now be ready to date each other again. One has to remember, however, that the relationship ended for a reason. If the other person was a cheating liar or something far worse, a few months or years may not have changed them for the better. If the relationship ended because of unavoidable situation such as distance, then it can be a great experience to date each other again.

Another question in the recycling bin is ‘Should you date your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend’s friends?’ In a small country like St. Lucia, where the number of good available men and women is extremely limited, this question will come up sooner or later. I once dated a friend of guy I used to date. Well this guy was out of the country, I thought for good, so I agreed to go out on a date with his friend. Let’s call the first guy Sean, and his friend John. So I used to go out with Sean, he left the country and months after John asked me out. I was a bit hesitant at first, but John was persistent, so I finally gave in. A day after our third date, who should come flying back into the country, but Sean! John promptly called me and said that he could not see me again and he was terrified of what his friend Sean would say about us. Just imagine, the night before he was declaring that he would never run away if Sean came back! Well run he did.

Well Sean of course found out, this is St. Lucia after all where we have a side of gossip with our morning coffee, and was a bit upset with me. Oh dear readers, I was in a predicament. I had lost a date and possibly a friend. It all ended ok, I never dated John again, not because of Sean, but because I realized that he could talk a great talk but couldn’t walk a straight line to save his life! In situations like these we really have to take into consideration who the other person is, and weigh the pros and cons of the situation. I of course will empty my recycle bin to ensure that I never use it again! Until next week…

Let me know what you think. Email me at lovechronicles@hotmail.com